Love is patient, love is kind. — I Corinthians 13:4

I’m not sure that communication in marriage comes easily for anyone, but I got some good advice early on which has served me well. If I were to summarize what I learned in one word it would be kindness . . . . during two critical times:

1. “Hello”

The first lesson I got in communication kindness was from one of the few books on marriage available in those early days, Letters to Karen by Charlie Shedd. Written from a loving Dad to his soon-to-be-married daughter, Dr. Shedd tells Karen to be intentional about the “hellos” when her husband came home:

“Do greet him with gladness when he first comes home. One husband made this picturesque statement: ‘She throws the garbage in my face first thing when I open the door.’ Then he went on to explain that she had a knack for saving the worst news of each day and giving him this promptly on his arrival. You will recognize that he was a master with words as he mimicked her patter: ‘Junior broke the neighbor’s bird bath!’ . . . .’That left rear tire on the station wagon is flat again!’ . . . ‘Won’t you please fix my kitchen faucet?’ . . . ‘I understand the Watsons are getting a divorce!’ . . . and so on in woeful detail. These evil tidings are strictly no good for his homecoming. Occasionally there must be exceptions, but every good meeting of minds will lay certain items aside for later consideration  . . . . From what I’ve seen, it’s a good idea to now and then check your words of greeting.” (p. 49,50)

What I learned was that the first few moments we spent back together after a day of work apart were “the most important five minutes of the day.” It set the tone for the evening, and was a way of reminding each other that they were missed, valued, and appreciated and loved! It was so easy to “dump” all of the details of the day on him when he first walked in . . . . and that just isn’t kind.

Recently I heard a talk about this very subject, and the speaker recommended that a suitable greeting for a couple coming back together after time apart (even a short time) was a “twenty-second kiss.” He cited a story of a couple whose relationship was strained but decided to try this one seemingly little gesture to try restoring their once-vibrant romance. The couple was amazed at how simple this one act of kindness in a greeting was at getting them back on track.

Stop . . . . look  . . . . listen . . . . and a nice, long kiss makes for a wonderful greeting, no matter who gets home first and gets to welcome the other. It is a beautiful way to show love to your spouse.

2. “Good-bye”

The second thing I learned that was so helpful in practicing good communication skills was to always make sure that my “good-bye” was a sweet one, followed by “I love you.” Granted it was a psychologist who instructed our squadron wives on this principle (yes, I was that ignorant), but it was true then and true now. Training accidents and enemy actions happen, and you never know what a day is going to bring—so the advice penetrated my heart. If something tragic happened to either one of us while apart I wanted our last words to be kind. I realized this one practice was not just an attempt to assuage guilt, but was a purposeful approach to maintaining peace between us as partners in life. It was smart to make our “good byes” as tender as possible.

We had many “hellos” and “good-byes” during our military days—with plenty of TDYs, deployments, training, exercises, and the Vietnam War. The “good-byes” were always difficult (understatement) . . . and the “hellos” were always glorious. Whether we were parting for a day, a week, a month or a year I always tried to stick by the training I had gotten from that one book and that one wives’ meeting.

And as much as these principles apply to physical greetings and farewells–they also apply to written ones.  Yes, even during deployment communication of email, text, letter–also phone and skype . . . be kind.

I’m not naïve . . . . and life is complicated. But these two simple rules—greet each other with kindness; depart from each other with kindness—are as important as any two rules in marriage you will ever find. I’m glad I found them early.

For when we are kind to each other, we are demonstrating the very character of God:  “You are kind and forgiving, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You.”  (Psalm 86:5)

Work Cited:

Shedd, Charlie W., Letters to Karen: On Keeping Love in Marriage (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1965)

Questions to Share:

1. Share with your spouse a time when you remember the way they greeted you was especially kind.

2. Share with your spouse a time when you remember the way they said “good-bye” to you was especially kind.

Excellent or Praiseworthy is posted on Monday and Thursday nights.

To the LORD I cry aloud, and He answers me . . . I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.  I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. — Psalm 3:4-6

Few things are so joyfully disarming as a baby trying out her first glottal stops under the Christmas tree. On picking her up to bury my face in baby fat, she broadcasts a wide, toothless grin. Sometimes she smiles so hard, it looks like it hurts. Her smiles proliferate, it seems, the better we get to know each other, the less we have to guess at what comes next. More often than not, we look forward to bedtimes and to waking, to baths and sweet potatoes and grass and crawling…there is much to look forward to, and plenty to grin about.

At other times, she looks at me quizzically, one eyebrow cocked, both eyes wide. She seems to be wondering if I know what I’m doing, or if this is some kind of rookie parent mistake. It is the same face, I think, that I make when sizing up a new commander or boss: she is both impressed and wary, and she’d love to chat about all her thoughts on how we could improve our organization! The trouble is that she only has about four phonemes currently at her disposal.

It has been said that the reason we don’t remember our first months of life is that they can be traumatic–our sojourn in a strange, new world begins almost before we are ready. With only a range of cries, flails, reflexes and stares, we are left to communicate with often inexperienced interpreters. It is the beginning of an arc that can take us to an eerily similar end-of-life experience. Like the ancient riddle of the sphinx suggests, we are strange creatures who go from four legs to two and then three. Whether we go out with a bang like St. Peter, or we quietly fade from disease into shadows of our former selves, Jesus’ words to Peter describe the phenomenon so well: “…I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” (John 21:18, NIV)

So much of a baby’s life mirrors this feeling of helplessness, even as we watch her strive and gain her autonomy by increments every day. How strange to reflect, gazing at a baby, on the end of her life…even stranger to imagine all the ways that adult life can still script and array our waking hours to lead us where we do not want to go. For me, more precisely, that means being led away from where I most want to be: I recently learned that a deployment to Afghanistan is on the horizon.

Predictably, any eagerness to put professional training to good use is muted by my anxiety about long-distance motherhood. What will I miss, while she is tripling her vocabulary every day, and I am searching for succinct and diplomatic ways to render difficult news…while she is learning to dress herself and I am donning the same uniform every day? It is impossible to know how we will both feel about the experience afterward, but during this anticipation, I watch her a lot for clues. She is, after all, the person I’ve most recently watched undergo a transformation, and I wonder what secrets of bravery and contentment I can learn from her that might help carry me through this separation.

My best thought so far is expressed in Psalm 3: “To the Lord I cry aloud, and He answers me…I lie down and sleep, I wake again because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands on every side.” (verses 4-6, NIV) Because I know too many combat veterans, new parents, and babies alike who cannot sleep through the night, this verse has become my special prayer. Beyond my obsession with getting enough good sleep, this verse is a picture of secure attachment between child and caregiver, God and God’s children.

Rarely anymore do we hear our daughter sound the panic alarm, as she has expanded her repertoire to include monosyllabic chants, moans, and whinings that tell us she is trying to soothe herself as she drops off to sleep. Once in a while, she can still sound the sorrowful note we first learned to swiftly comfort–the one that sounds like she has surely been abandoned to starvation and the elements. It is horrific to hear, and it is a pleasure to alleviate her fears with our presence. In a very real sense, we sustain her between waking and sleeping, and in doing so mirror all the duties of our Divine parent. It is easier to feel oneself washed, wrapped, fed, and warmed by the Creator when you see a baby’s panicked or peeved face give way to pure contentment.

So much of our daughter’s infant angst seems to stem from being so alert–she has always been just aware enough of her surroundings to be very concerned, unable to filter out what is easily overwhelming. A combination of swaddling, shushing, rocking, and sucking would interrupt her panic enough to help her withdraw into a private, restful place where she could tune out what was bothersome. As I consider this new irritant in my environment–the prospect of a long separation from my daughter and husband for the first time–I am reminded that this month’s happy crawler under the tree has never really started from scratch as she adapts to her world. She always falls back on the raw materials and parameters given to her: the limits of a room, the waking hours in a day, the genetic makeup she inherited, the now-familiar responses she can trust from her parents and other caregivers

She also is a breathtaking example of cognitive development, situating new knowledge in meaningful ways within the context of what she already knows. When she acquired her first xylophone mallet earlier this week, it went first (predictably) into her mouth, under the acute visual scrutiny of one raised eyebrow, and then finally into repeated contact with the colored keys to replicate the sounds she’d seen her dad make. I am taking a page out of her book: like a securely attached infant, I am deciding to tackle this new problem as I have tackled others in the past–with hope, with prayer, and in the context of community (editor’s highlight). Like a late-night diaper change or a protested snot-clearing operation, it will certainly get worse before it gets better, but God is responsive, loving, and knows what to do. This week I will rest in that, and be glad that most deployments are down to nine months nowadays. Happily, I have living, low-crawling proof that I can do just about anything for nine months.

Questions to Share:

1. How can you encourage a young military mom who is facing deployment?

2. How can you encourage the family of a young military mom who is facing deployment?

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. — Romans 15:5,6

It’s all over the internet, and it’s a beautiful way for us to end our postings for 2011.

Just in case you missed it, enjoy the Military Wives Choir of England singing “Wherever You Are” on this official video:

There is also a YouTube video available which captures the performance of this amazing group of “ordinary” military wives for the Queen of England at the Royal Albert Hall on Remembrance Day, in which a British officer says, “They did all military wives proud!”

So I can’t help but wipe my tears and put my tissues aside. . . to add a few thoughts:

• This is a song of oneness. “Wherever you are, our hearts still beat as one.” It takes me to Genesis 2:24, God’s plan for marriage, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
• This is a song of calling. “I hold you in my dreams each night, until your task is done.” It takes me to Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”
• This is a song of perspective. “May your courage never cease.” Fighting for freedom takes much courage. It takes me to Galatians 5:1 remembering the courage of Jesus Christ who died for our freedom from the bondage of sin, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

Is “Wherever You Are” a spiritual song with a message about Jesus Christ? No, probably not. But it is a picture of the things I wrote about in Excellent or Praiseworthy on December 8, 2011, “People Are Watching You – The Gift of Our Military”:  “The qualities of unity, nobility, bravery, courage, sacrifice, justice, ethics, hope, authenticity, patience, kindness, persistence, valor, humor, competence, purity, obedience, hospitality, integrity, gratitude, generosity, duty, perseverance, concern, humility, submission, mercy, servant leadership, honor, resilience, discipline, perspective, responsibility, teamwork, help, grace, compassion, faith, professionalism, trust, confidence, self-control, forgiveness, strength, maturity, wisdom, brotherhood . . . are the righteous values which our Lord and Savior had in full measure and to which we are called.”

Wherever you are. . . whether active duty (Guard or Reserve) military, a military spouse, or a military child . . . we salute you and thank you for your service. You reflect the values and qualities in sacrifice and excellence which we admire . . . and which point us to the true Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ, Who is The Light of the World.

Benediction for 2011: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Questions to Share:

1. Looking back over 2011, what courage did you demonstrate which could have only come through the Holy Spirit?

2. As you face the unknown challenges of 2012, pray for each other—for oneness, calling, and perspective.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” — Hebrews 12:2, 3

I didn’t know what to expect when I became a military wife. I remember getting my first I.D. card, and the lady behind the desk asking me what my “last four” were. I said “my last four what???” I had no idea what she was talking about. Little did I know that I would live and retire—and will eventually die—with those four numbers. And when my new husband got orders for Southeast Asia in 1972, after being in the Air Force only four months, I was sure that they had made a mistake. I told my husband, “Just tell them that you’ve only been in a short time—they can’t possibly be serious about sending you off to war after such a short time in uniform!!” Little did I know . . . .

Have you ever voiced that attitude—because of the circumstances you can honestly say, “This isn’t what I expected!” For example, “married life isn’t what I expected”; “being a parent isn’t what I expected”; “this new job isn’t what I expected”; or “this move hasn’t been what I expected.” I’m sure you can think of many more instances when things just didn’t turn out like you thought they would—or should.  Sometimes they turn out better—much better. But sometimes the challenges and the newness of it all is overwhelming and we’re left asking, “Why is this happening to me?”

This Christmas season, when I was watching the movie The Nativity Story, I found myself thinking about Joseph again. What an amazing man! The Bible refers to him as a “righteous man.” (Matthew 1:19) Just as God chose Mary to carry His Son, so He chose Joseph to be Jesus’ earthly “father.” We do not know much about Joseph from the biblical account, but certainly from the beginning Joseph demonstrated grace. He could have turned his back on Mary when she was pregnant by the Holy Spirit before their marriage was consummated—and she would have been stoned to death. But Joseph was visited by an angel of the Lord who instructed him to take Mary as his wife—and that the baby she was carrying he was to name Jesus, “because He will save His people from their sins.” (Matthew 1:20, 21)

Certainly life didn’t turn out as Joseph expected. He must have expected that Mary would return from her visit to Elizabeth, they would get married and “live happily ever after.” Instead, the people of Nazareth were well-aware of Mary’s pregnancy and were no doubt confused by the whole scene—most likely they even subjected Mary and Joseph to ridicule. Life certainly had taken an unexpected twist for Mary and for Joseph (understatement)—but they were obedient and trusted God to do as He promised.

I can think of only one man to whom life was totally as He expected—Jesus. We see that especially in Philippians 2:5-8. You might consider this to be a great Christmas verse:

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant being made in human likeness. (note: does that not sound like the incarnation?) And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross!”

Yes, He knew exactly what life was to be like for Him—He was born to die!

The wise men who visited Jesus brought Him three gifts—gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Myrrh was such an unusual gift to bring a little one—burial spices! In John 19:38-40 we even find the story of Jesus’ burial: “Later, Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate for the body of Jesus. Now Joseph was a disciple of Jesus, but secretly because he feared the Jews. With Pilate’s permission, he came and took the body. He was accompanied by Nicodemus, the man who earlier had visited Jesus at night. Nicodemus brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about seventy-five pounds. Taking Jesus’ body, the two of them wrapped it, with the spices, in strips of linen. This was in accordance with Jewish burial customs.”

Jesus’ birth, death and resurrection were all prophesied. Jesus knew—there were no surprises. It was all in God’s plan for our redemption . . . all as He had expected. The cross was set before Him, even as an infant in the manger in Bethlehem. And according to the book of Hebrews—we are to encourage each other with this truth.

Nancy Guthrie, in her great devotional book, The One Year Book of Hope, writes such a wonderful description of what Jesus’ birth came to mean as He was destined to die on the cross as a perfect and complete sacrifice for our sin:

“Come and linger with me at the Cross.  As we linger and see Jesus there, we find what we need to persevere when things get hard so that we won’t grow weary and lose heart. Consider him . . .

When you feel sorry for yourself because your life is hard and you want the easy way out . . . consider him . . .

When you feel forgotten by God and by those you thought cared about you, when you long for the closeness of someone who cares . . . consider him . . .

When you feel tired and you want to give up . . . consider him . . . When you feel abused and you want to fight back . . . consider him. Consider his humble responses to those who lied about him and spit on him, ridiculed him, and beat him. Consider him and do not grow weary.

When you feel fearful about the future and you want to find hope . . . consider him, who for the joy set before him endured the Cross. Whenever you are tempted to give up, look to the Cross and see the price Jesus paid so that he might call you his very own.” (p. 139, “The Cross Keeps Me From Giving Up”)

And it began in the heart of God. Why? Because He loves us. He knew what to expect in His life, and He knows what you can expect in yours—trust Him with that. He wants His followers to be free from the bondage of sin, to live an abundant life in His forgiveness and peace, and spend glorious eternity with Him. None of that would be possible without His atoning death thirty-three years after His birth in Bethlehem, both as prophesied. That is the Christmas story.

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given . . .”  (Isaiah 9:6)

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”  (John 3:16)

“Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!” (2 Corinthians 9:15)

Work Cited:

Guthrie, Nancy, The One Year Book of Hope (Carol Stream:  Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2005)

Questions to Share:

1. Has life turned out as you expected? Why or why not?

2. Because of what happened at Christmas, and then at Easter, do you see the love of God given for you?

“Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift.” —2 Corinthians 9:15

Is this the Bible verse that you normally think of when you think of Christmas?

Probably not . . . . Traditionally we go to the second chapter of Luke and begin with, “In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.” (Luke 2:1)

But it makes a wonderful study to look throughout the Bible for verses which point to the coming of God’s gift of Jesus Christ! We can even look at the verses as far back as Genesis 12:2-3 as a promise of the coming of Jesus’ presence on earth:

I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you;
I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.
I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you. (Genesis 12:2,3)

This promise to Abraham can be traced throughout the generations of Israel and finds fulfillment in the truth that all people on earth are blessed through the Messiah, Jesus Christ. What an indescribable gift of grace!

Another well-read part of the traditional Christmas story is found in Matthew 2—the visit of the magi. The gifts offered to the Christ child are recorded as gold, frankincense and myrrh. When my friend Jenny returned to the States after her family’s military assignment in Germany, she heard a radio broadcast about these three gifts which gave her an idea. It was during their Germany assignment that she and her husband had adopted two Russian orphans, a sister and brother, bringing the number of their children to six. Buying Christmas presents for six children—well, she was looking for help! The radio program made this suggestion—to give your children the same gifts that the wise men (magi) gave the baby Jesus. Here’s the idea:

Gold—gold is valuable, so this is an age-appropriate and valuable gift that the child actually wants, needs, or asks for. Jenny puts a price limit on it and even wraps it in gold paper—which she buys on sale the year before. This is a great reminder that gold was a gift fit for a king. . . . and Jesus is our King of Kings.

Frankincense—frankincense is used in worship, so this gift is something spiritual . . . perhaps a new Bible, a devotional book, a CD from a Christian singing group, a video which teaches a spiritual lesson. Jenny wraps this gift in white paper. This is a great reminder that frankincense was a scent used in the temple by the priests . . . and Jesus is our perfect High Priest.

Myrrh—myrrh is an ointment meant for the body, so this gift is something for her kids’ bodies—like new pajamas, clothes, or even something from the mall store for lotions, etc. Plain brown paper wrapping conceals this gift under the Christmas tree. This is a great reminder that myrrh was a valuable perfume and used for preparing a body for burial . . . and Jesus was born to die as our Savior for the forgiveness of our sins.

Get the idea? Jenny reports that her Christmas shopping has been simplified and that their tree looks so beautiful every year with gold, white, and brown wrapped packages underneath. She has passed this idea on to other military friends, and we’re all grateful for the idea. Perhaps you can imagine the opportunities for discussion concerning the true meaning of Christmas because of this method of gift-giving.

At the beginning of Lee Strobel’s book, The Case for Christmas (an excerpt from his book, A Case for Christ), he gives his testimony of how he discovered the true meaning of Christmas—in the gift of Jesus Christ. Strobel had been part of a local project to give gifts to a poor family in Chicago. When he visited the family (a grandmother named Perfecta Delgado and her two granddaughters) on Christmas Eve he was surprised by the family’s reaction to the outpouring of Christmas presents from the community:

“’This is wonderful; this is very good,’ she said, gesturing toward the largess. ‘We did nothing to deserve this—it’s a gift from God. But,’ she added, ‘it is not his greatest gift. No, we celebrate that tomorrow. That is Jesus.’ To her, this child in the manger was the undeserved gift that meant everything—more than material possessions, more than comfort, more than security. And at that moment, something inside of me wanted desperately to know this Jesus—because, in a sense, I saw him in Perfecta and her granddaughters.

“They had peace despite poverty, while I had anxiety despite plenty; they knew the joy of generosity, while I only knew the loneliness of ambition; they looked heavenward for hope, while I only looked out for myself; they experienced the wonder of the spiritual while I was shackled to the shallowness of the material—and something made me long for what they had. Or, more accurately, for the One they knew.’” (The Case for Christmas, pages 8,9)

At the end of the book, Strobel concludes with his decision to accept Jesus Christ as the greatest gift of all:

“I had come to the point where I was ready for the Christmas gift that Perfecta Delgado had told me about years earlier: the Christ child, whose love and grace are offered freely to everyone who receives him in repentance and faith. Even someone like me.

“So I talked with God in a heartfelt and unedited prayer, admitting and turning from my wrongdoing, and receiving his offer of forgiveness and eternal life through Jesus. I told him that with his help I wanted to follow him and his ways from here on out. . . . I know that some people feel a rush of emotion at such a moment; as for me, there was something else that was equally exhilarating: there was the rush of reason.

“Over time, however, there has been so much more. As I have endeavored to follow Jesus’ teachings and open myself to his transforming power, my priorities, my values, my character, my worldview, my attitudes, and my relationships have been changing—for the better. It has been a humbling affirmation of the apostle Paul’s words: ‘Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.’

“And now, what about you?” (The Case for Christmas, pages 90,91)

The best gift of all is the indescribable gift of Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world—“For God so loved the world, that He GAVE his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) May the presence of Jesus Christ in your life be the very best gift for you this Christmas!

“But the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:10,11)

Work Cited:

Strobel, Lee, The Case for Christmas (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1998)

Questions to share:

1. Have you thought of Jesus as a gift of salvation that you receive? Timothy writes, “I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life.” (1 Timothy 1:16)

2. Are you feeling alone during this deployment? Read Psalm 16 to yourself, or maybe even to your spouse. His presence can be very real to you this Christmas.

3. If you are ready, like Lee Strobel was, pray the same prayer that he did (highlighted above) in repentance and faith. May this be the best Christmas ever—one you will never forget!

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. — I Thessalonians 5:18

“Give Thanks With a Grateful Heart” was the praise chorus ringing in my head, but I was having a hard time. How could I give thanks in Kabul? I was cold, far from home and family, and my first grandchild was due to be born at any time. I would miss her birth and the gatherings of my children during the holidays. What was a grandmother doing teaching in Kabul anyway?

Let me start at the beginning: After his retirement from a major airline, my husband began working overseas flying for an Afghan airline. I visited him there and felt God’s call to come to Afghanistan. With four children in the military it would be good for me to be part of a positive process there, I reasoned. Nine months later I arrived, headscarf and all, to teach in the international school.

I immediately connected with the Navy Chaplain on base. I knew I would need my “kid fix” by being around military young people, and I knew I needed a place to worship without fear. I brought other colleagues with me and every Sunday night we would make the four mile journey to base. That is if we were allowed to travel due to security restrictions. In a land of suicide bombings and IEDs those times came quite often, and we would be so disappointed if we could not get to Chapel.

I adopted as many military folks as I could. With a kid in each branch of service, I had something in common with each of them. Standing shoulder-to-shoulder with them in the Chapel tent singing “though the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, ‘Blessed be the name of the Lord’” was electrifying. Because the darkness did close in. Sometimes it was in the form of a tragic event of war, but other times it was the pervasive homesickness and monotony of life in a war zone. Every day is a grey version of the day before. I borrow the phrase of “hours of boredom punctuated by moments of sheer terror.” There is so little to look forward to—except mail, Skype, and the journey home. When I listened to prayer requests they were always about home—prayers for wives and husbands shouldering the load, kids struggling. Our heads were in Afghanistan but our hearts were turned toward home.

But what about Thanksgiving? God calls us to give thanks in all circumstances (I Thessalonians 5:18). My life was so much better than most of those around me. So I snapped out of it—the “mom” in me came alive. It was time to make it special. My Grandma would say, “It is not where you are, it is how you deal with it.” So we planned the feast at our compound. We scoured the markets for pumpkins (squash), and turkeys (giant chickens). I taught lessons in how to cook a turkey, made pumpkin (squash) pies, and then Christmas cookies.

We feasted—although it was still cold and the power kept going out. And then on Sunday night, cookies in tow, we headed to Chapel at the local ISAF base. Care packages lined the back of the tent ready to be distributed along with our cookies. We lit the Advent candle and sang, inviting Jesus to come.

And all I could see was His light—The Light of the world. The holidays had arrived. And I gave thanks.

Questions to Share:

1. What holidays do you remember from your childhood? Share those memories with your spouse.

2. What has been your experience of the holiday season during deployment?

3. Ask each other how you can pray for them during this holiday season.

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry . . .” — James 1:19

“Communication is a lot like tennis. One person begins the conversation by making a statement, and then perhaps asking a question—like serving the ball. The other person returns the ball by responding to the statement and/or question, and perhaps asks another question. And so the game continues.”

This is an important paragraph from the HomeBuilders Bible study entitled Making Your Marriage Deployment Ready (p. 39), meant to help couples in their communication skills before they are geographically separated. But the truth is that communication skills are vital to the life of a marriage relationship—deployment or not.

Using the tennis analogy, a conversation can continue easily as one partner “volleys” the ball to the other. If the ball is “slammed” (perhaps insult or accusation), making it impossible for the tennis partner to return the exchange. . . or if the ball is hit out of bounds (not listening or paying attention), the conversation is over for the moment and has to begin again with a new statement or question.

Dennis and Mary Trexler of Military Ministry have taken the analogy of tennis to explain some of the fundamentals of good communication in a talk they call, “Tennis Anyone?” As you read these “Tennis Rules of Serving” think about how they could correspond to a conversation between a husband and wife:

• The server stands behind the baseline, in between the center mark and the sideline (Do you have your spouse’s attention?);
• The ball has to go over the top of the net on a serve (Have you made yourself clear, perhaps dealing with just one issue and not many issues?);
• Your serve must reach the service box on the other side of the court (Are you focusing on the specific and not making generalizations?);
• If the serve drops outside of the service box, you get a second chance to serve (Does your spouse understand what you said?);
• You get two chances to serve. When you miss a serve, it is called a “fault” (Did you judge their motives without giving them a chance to explain?);
• You cannot serve the ball before your receiver is ready (Are you prepared to use “I” statements and not “You” statements, giving them the chance to respond without defensiveness?).

When you initiate a conversation, there is the responsibility to be able to continue the conversation to a worthwhile end. Viewing this responsibility as being similar to one who serves the tennis ball with the intention of continuing the match may help.

But the Trexlers would be just as quick to tell us that there is responsibility on the part of the receiver. Here are their “Tennis Rules of Receiving”:

• You can stand wherever you want when receiving a serve, but the tennis ball cannot be allowed to bounce into the service box (Did you listen intently to your spouse or ignore them?);
• If the serve is good, you must hit the ball back to the server (Did you receive what they said to you and answer them appropriately?);
• The serve receiver has to let the ball bounce one time before hitting it back (Are you answering your spouse before they have even finished speaking?);
• If you hit the ball before it bounces, the server gets the point (Have you been too quick to focus on “fixing the problem” instead of hearing what your spouse is feeling?).

These are just a few pointers which can help when a couple is trying—and trying hard—to communicate well. Just like tennis, it takes practice. Just like tennis, it takes desire to learn. Just like tennis, it takes rules for it to go smoothly. And just like tennis, it takes two! It takes both of you being intentional about “serving the ball” and “receiving the ball” for good communication in marriage to take place.

And what about communication during deployment? This does not mean that “all rules are off!” Quite the contrary—all rules still apply! You both have to make sure that you are listening well to the others’ needs and feelings, that you are asking good questions which get to their heart, and that you “make contact” as often as possible to keep the relationship moving.

And remember—this is not a game! Communication in marriage is work, and it is serious business. But, in the end, you will both be winners!

Work Cited: Making Your Marriage Deployment Ready is available at www.familylife.com and militaryministry.org

Questions to Share:

1. During deployment, do you communicate best by email, phone, or letter? What about your spouse? Discuss this between the two of you.

2. Has the difference in time zones been a barrier to your communication? What other difficulties have you had to overcome in order to communicate well with each other?

For a man’s ways are in full view of the LORD, and He examines all his paths. — Proverbs 5:21

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. — Colossians 3:5

A pastor wrote this list of forty reasons NOT to have an affair, NOT to commit adultery.  But it applies to us all—without exception. It seems like Satan is winning more than his share of marital battles, and we’re all sick and tired of the damage he is causing. If rational thinking will help, this list should do more than its share of convincing a person “on the verge of infidelity” to re-think and flee temptation.

Our fear is that in “the moment” rational thinking will not prevail. There is hope, however, and the opportunity to speak into that time before and when there is a choice—that “fork in the road”—when the whole future is at stake. Scripture says that God always provides a way of escape. “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Scripture has quite a bit to say about sexual temptation. Proverbs 6:32 says, “But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.” In 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 we read, “It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.” In 1 Corinthians 6:18-10 we find another warning: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

We urge you to read this list very carefully. Agree with it. . . and keep it forward in your thinking in order to avoid any compromising situations or relationships.

40 Reasons Why I Do Not Want To Commit Adultery
By: Dr. Daniel D. Henderson

1. I would violate my relationship with my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ who has loved, cared and died for me. This action would disregard the selfless and cruel death He suffered in order to give me power over this sin.

2. I would bring public shame and unnecessary disrepute to His most holy and precious name, which I have been privileged to represent.

3. I would have to face someday my gracious Savior, eye to eye at His judgment seat, giving an account for willfully squandering His abundant provision of purifying grace. At that moment of eternal consequences I would inevitably witness the results of my own disregard for the rewards of faithfulness and obedience He so desired to give to me.

4. I would choose to submit myself to a destructive process of self-deception and the dulling of my conscience, causing a lack of confidence in my future ability to walk in obedience and faith.

5. I would inflict unimaginable pain on my wife, my best friend, and my faithful and sacrificial partner in ministry and life—and would have to stare into her tear-filled eyes to explain this conscious violation of my vows and describe the stupidity of my behavior.

6. I would permanently damage my wife’s ability to trust me or believe my word. I would lose her respect in the future, giving her constant cause for suspicion and question.

7. If my pattern of deception were to continue, or if she were unable to forgive me, I would lose her as my wife and would be left to face ongoing regret, loneliness and pain.

8. In this case, I would permanently ruin my wife’s future fulfillment causing her to face the remainder of her life feeling the struggle of rejection and dealing with the complications of single parenting or remarriage.

9. I would violate the love and trust of my precious children. In essence, I would be telling them, “Your mother is not a worthy person. Your father is a liar and a cheat. Honor is not as important as pleasure. My own selfish satisfaction is more important than loving my children”.

10. By destroying my own example and credibility with my children, I would lose future opportunities to influence them toward loving obedience and holiness and would plant within them a potential long-term resentment and bitterness toward the Lord and the ministry.

11. I would bring continual shame to my children every time they had to explain why their father was no longer in ministry—or why he was no longer together with their mother.

12. I would create destructive and continually tempting mental memories that would cultivate unhealthy lust and negatively affect future intimacy with my wife.

Some of these concepts were originally conceived by Randy Alcorn in Leadership Journal. 1999 Daniel Henderson.

Worked cited:

http://www.danielhenderson.org/2010/04/40-reasons-why-i-do-not-want-to-commit.html

“Marriage Minutes” from Tuesday, November 8, 2011, by Bob & Cheryl Moeller

Questions to Share:

1. Were any of these forty items a surprise to you? Why or why not?

2. How important is it to you to guard your heart in order to guard your future?

Editor’s Note:  Two years ago I asked Diana Juergens, author of Wife of a Soldier, A Journey of Faith, to share with me her thoughts on parenting during deployment. Rich and Diana are the parents of eight daughters and had completed their sixth (or was it seventh?) deployment.  This devotion has been so popular that we are delighted to re-post it.

“He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”  —John 7:38

Parenting well during a deployment begins with our faith—which begins with belief in the truth of Scripture. Being “plugged in” to our source of faith, the Lord Jesus, allows us to be full of “living water” (the Holy Spirit) which will then flow through us to our children. To put it another way—as Jesus tells us in John 15:5—we are to “abide in the vine.” “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” God is making it very clear when He describes Himself as the vine and His people as the branches that the branches must abide (remain in, stay) in the vine to bear fruit. Without the vine, the branch is nothing. Both of these verses quoted point to the most important source for parenting—Jesus Christ. He is the provider of our strength, joy, wisdom, and discernment (the fruit of abiding) to care for and train up our children while our husbands are gone.

Our family just experienced a 15 month separation. As I look back, I can point to seven truths to share about parenting during deployment:

1. Your relationship with God must be a priority.

I made my time with God the first thing I did every morning. Even if I went to bed late, I chose to rise before my children in order to have time with God. I knew that extra hour of sleep would not make up for the kind of strength I would need as a geographical single parent.

2. Remember that you are setting an example for your children.

I was humbled when my oldest daughter told me, “Watching you respond through difficult times, knowing your heart was hurting, has demonstrated to me that your source of peace is God. By your example, I know Him to be my only source, too.” Sometimes I think that our children learn more by watching than they do by listening! Here are some questions to ask yourself: Do your children see you reading your Bible and praying? Are you being their example of faith to draw near to God (James 4:8), to allow God to be your refuge (Psalm 141:8), and to allow Him to be your source of joy (Habakkuk 3:18) in spite of your circumstances? Your Godly example will impact their journey of faith and their everyday life.

3. Make sure that you teach your children about the sovereignty of God.

The verse I read with my children is Jeremiah 29:11-13: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.”

Knowing that God has chosen this time apart can give you the assurance that it is what is absolutely best for your lives. God loves us, and His Word confirms that He is good (Nahum 1:7). He uses all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). This deployment separation is a wonderful opportunity to teach your children how to trust God by embracing the new work which he wants to do in and through your family.

4. Pray.

As parents, we are to be shepherding our children according to God’s heart and with His knowledge and understanding (Jeremiah 3:15). The children and I begin the day in prayer and devotional time together—the keys to parenting during a long separation include daily prayer and time in God’s Word as a family. And during our times separated as a family, due to the calling placed on our soldier, we have learned to run to God when our hearts are hurting, afraid and overwhelmed. We stop what we are doing and let the tears fall as we cry out to God for His comfort and peace. He has intervened every time and provided exactly what we have needed. God has used these painful times to draw us each closer to Him. Each deployment has provided the circumstances that have taught our family life lessons of faith. We also use our devotional time as an opportunity to pray for the safety of our soldier and his unit, our nation’s president and those in leadership, and for the people within the nation to which my husband is deployed.

5. Discuss God’s purpose for this deployment.

We must encourage our children with examples from God’s Word, to believe that God knows exactly what He is doing. His goal is to always use our circumstances to increase our faith and trust in Him, while using us to touch other’s lives with His love. Memorizing Deuteronomy 32:4a (“He is the Rock, His work is perfect.”) will help you stay focused on the call placed on your lives, to be separated as a family for such a time as this (Esther 4:14b). You can make this even more real by locating the country to which your husband is deployed in an atlas and learning all you can about it and its people. Find an organization, like Voice of the Martyrs that will help you send care packages to the hurting people within that nation. You can also give your children a vision for the time apart by teaching them to serve others who are experiencing deployment and need help. Look for ways to use the gifts and talents within your family to reach out and be a blessing to others. There is no room for a sorrowful heart when you are serving and encouraging others. Many years ago my wise husband designated Matthew 5:16 as our family verse, and we seek to let our “light shine” to the glory of God.

6. Journal what God is doing in your family’s life.

Our family (including my husband while he is away) keeps a record of all God is doing in us and through us by journaling. An inspiration for this was Jeremiah 30:2. It has been a wonderful encouragement to our family as we read our entries and reread ones already written. Each entry is a new testimony of God’s plan and faithfulness.

7. Actually this one should be first—prepare your hearts in prayer before the deployment.

There is much to do to prepare for deployment, but don’t forget to pray that God will prepare your hearts, as a family, for what He will do while you are separated. Begin to pray for new opportunities to arise which will allow your family light to shine, to bring glory to God. Remember, He who has called you to this time apart is faithful. “He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.”  (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

Questions to Share:

1. How can you implement the seven points above with your family during deployment?

2. Pray for God’s guidance to teach, lead, and love your children with grace and compassion—and wisdom—during this time of separation.

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on the human tradition and the basic principles of this world, rather than Christ. — Colossians 2:8

Good Day Shipmates!

I’ve been married longer than many have been alive aboard this ship. At the risk of really dating myself, it’s been twenty-six years. My wife and I met in Chesterfield, near Richmond, as two idealistic “kids” with big plans. At 18 and 19 years old, we were convinced we were going to take the world by storm.

Life was simple back then. We dated six months and got married—bitten and blinded by the “love bug”; and on our way to RAF Lakenheath on E-1 pay. Our immaturity quickly reared its hideous head pushing our dreams and romanticism to the back burner. The only word fitting to describe the harsh erosion of our marriage was “train-wreck.”

I wounded my wife daily with razor-sharp words and emotional revenge. It’s no surprise she responded, firing back a volley of hurt and resentment. We quickly became isolated and discouraged . . . two married people living emotionally separate lives. To make matters worse, we had no “real” friends or people we could trust with such private matters. Secretly, we were ashamed how rapidly our marriage declined. I blamed her and she blamed me. Dreams of a healthy marriage were gone; our relationship had become toxic. In a few short months, the one I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with had become the adversary. We were consumed by pain, embittered and emotionally defeated.

Looking back, we can see that we believed four fundamental lies: 1) we were the only ones struggling like this; 2) we couldn’t tell anybody; 3) my spouse was the problem, not me; 4) we were beyond help. Each of these lies plays a deadly role in marriage relationships, shoving heads low in shame. The result of shame is demoralizing—shame leads to isolation while stealing you blind of a precious marriage commodity—hope . We tried to “fake it” and let others think that we were fine, but inside we were screaming, “Help!”

Although young, inexperienced and sinking in hopelessness, we were bright enough to know changes had to be made—immediately. Through our recovery process (more on that to come), I learned three important truths to share with you:

• I believe a powerful transaction occurs in the hearts of people when they experience honest and open communication in a loving and supportive environment. We desperately needed to admit we were a mess, but fear gripped us. But once you decide to be honest, God will allow you to see help in those around you who have wisdom to share.
• My changed marriage says more about God than it does me; it testifies to the power of God to transform two lives from rags to riches. An appropriate response is not, “Great job, Chaps, you really turned your life around.” No! You’ve missed it. Great job, God!
• Change begins with ME. I must ask God for the fortitude to focus my energy on that. Pray like this, “Heavenly Father, give me the courage to be honest with myself. The truth is: I’m the problem; I cannot change or fix anyone except myself. Liberate me in the hope of Your Truth and the reality of Your acceptance in Christ Jesus. Amen.”

In a few days we will pull into port. Some of you have taken advantage of time away during this deployment to evaluate and reflect in a healthy way. Ever so quietly, in the privacy of your own heart, you’ve taken account of what’s truly important in life. You’ve thought long and hard about making much needed changes or adjustments. If truth be told, you’re not happy. Actually it’s worse than that—you secretly suffer from the disease of discontent; you suffer silently from discouragement and are emotionally tired; you seek refuge. Something’s gotta change!

Allow me to offer some thoughts:

First, change always starts from within; recovery begins with YOU. Firmly fix your gaze into the mirror of honesty; don’t quickly walk away and forget what you look like. Avoid the pull of believing the problem is “her” or “him.” It’s not—it’s you and it’s me. Start there.

Second . . . I’ve seen lots of people talk about change and even attempt change. Few find it. They’re genuine—they try harder, adjust jobs, substitute spouses, reorder finances, and make genuine attempts at change. However, true change only occurs exclusively within the framework of faith. You must seriously connect with God in repentance and surrender. Without God’s foundation, you’ll endure a long uphill battle of failed attempts. Swallow your pride—let Him produce a new you!

Third, change is a process. Don’t try to make change an event, like “whew . . . glad I got that over with. I’m different now!” Genuine change that lasts doesn’t work that way. It’s in the process you meet new people with similar goals, reach fresh objectives and connect with Creator-God in momentous, life-changing ways.

Fourth, find healthy people. You’ll only find these people in one place: CHURCH. They can be found . . . trust me. In forty-six years I’ve only found one place where people change and mature—in the church.

Fifth, stick to the plan. Resolve yourself to the process. Genuine change is hard work that only occurs within the context of relationship with God. Spend time in prayer and in His word, the Bible. That is where truth is found—in His Son, Jesus Christ.

There are better days ahead for you. I know.

Questions to Share:

1. Have you been taken captive by a deceptive philosophy that is built upon lies? How have those lies profoundly affected your thinking, words, attitudes, and behavior towards your spouse? How will you respond now?

2. Where do you subtly blame your spouse for the condition of your marriage, while minimizing your role? What will you do in response?