I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. — Psalm 27:13,14

What if my husband is injured? What if my wife . . . ?

During war the “what ifs” can become reality.  It is then that “for better or for worse” means something beyond what we imagined on our wedding day.

Perhaps you’ve been following the recovery of Travis Mills on www.travismills.org

Like Travis Mills, our wounded warriors are heroes—every one of them. And their families are heroes with the courage and grace to fight for and with their loved ones for recovery and rehabilitation. Families like Travis’ are an inspiration to us all.

Although not the story of a brave military couple, Ian & Larissa Murphy’s story is equally inspirational:

In the video you see Ian and Larissa reading from John Piper’s book This Momentary Marriage. Here are some of the quotes that perhaps this couple has taken to heart:

“. . in marriage you live hour by hour in glad dependence on God’s forgiveness and justification and promised future grace, and you bend it out toward your spouse hour by hour—as an extension of God’s forgiveness and justification and promised help.” (p. 43)

“One of the emphases so far in this book has been that staying married is not mainly about staying in love, but about keeping covenant. . . Keeping first things first makes second things better. Staying in love isn’t the first task of marriage. It is a happy overflow of covenant-keeping for Christ’s sake.” (p. 74)

“So marriage is like a metaphor or an image or a picture or a parable or a model that stands for something more than a man and a woman becoming one flesh. It stands for the relationship between Christ and the church. That’s the deepest meaning of marriage. It’s meant to be a living drama of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and the church. (p. 75)

Larissa Murphy shares with us on her blog some thoughts which are equally profound but very personal regarding her life with her husband, Ian:

A friend who was a primary caregiver for his wife with cancer and participated in Ian and Larissa’s wedding told her, “’You will never regret loving this much.’” Larissa added that unlike this dear man, and many couples, “we didn’t face sickness when we were grandparents. We started there. And it was severe.” “Marrying Ian meant that I was signing on to things that I don’t think I ever would’ve chosen for myself—. . . But in light of all the practicals, and emotionals, it was so very simple: we love each other. And we love God. And we believe He is a sovereign and loving God who rules all things.” (“Why We Got Married”)

“I didn’t know contentment in my prosperity—contentment then meant health and ease, not God. God has not given us an indication that Ian will be fully healed here, which means that we have needed to enlist ourselves in our suffering. We still pray for complete healing, but we also pray for strength to endure a life-long disability. We are learning that contentment is produced as we obey and act on His promises, like the one mentioned above, ‘I can do all things through him who strengthens me.’” (“Learning Contentment in Suffering”)

Military marriages know much of loneliness, sacrifice, perspective and unselfishness. Perhaps these stories are ones of encouragement to you. Perhaps they are an inspiration.

Whatever they are, we believe that they are of God, and are excellent and praiseworthy. To God be the glory.

Work Cited:

Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 2009).

Questions to Share:

1. In what ways has your marriage been one of sacrifice? How have you seen God encourage you in the midst of sacrificial living?
2. Who has inspired you in your military marriage? What was it that was an inspiration to you?

Then He said to them all: “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it.” —Luke 9:23,24

I was intrigued by the title of the book I saw in my local bookstore, probably because of its shock value. The title was How to Ruin Your Life by 40, and written by a favorite author of mine, Steve Farrar. I knew there would be something valuable in this book for me, for many reasons.

And since I’m especially bad about reading the end of a book first (so I know how it turns out—if it’s worth reading) . . . I was particularly grabbed by a closing section in the book entitled “The Greatest Fear.” Could you guess what this author believes is “the greatest fear?”. . .

“It is common knowledge that the greatest fear of men and women today is the fear of death. It usually appears as number one on top ten lists of people’s greatest fears. This is understandable. We do not know when our last breath will be or for what reason it will cease, and this hanging ignorance of the end leaves many in a lingering tension. But there is one fear that always fails to make the top ten lists, and yet, it may be the biggest fear of all: It is the fear of dying to one’s self.” (p. 131)

Certainly as military members we are sensitive to the subject of death and dying. We understand sacrifice. We are prepared, or as Christians we should be. But the daily burden of unselfish living—putting others’ needs above our own in every circumstance—how exactly do we do that? That is called “dying to self,” and I think the author has a good point in raising this matter as a “fear.”

Years ago Bible scholar and pastor/teacher Dr. John MacArthur taught about “dying to self” in a sermon from his daily radio program, “Grace to You.”  He said that his favorite teaching on the subject was a lengthy paragraph from an anonymous writer—and he kept it on his desk as a daily reminder of what Jesus calls us to do in Luke 9:23,24, “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it.” I telephoned Dr. MacArthur’s staff after hearing this teaching—it challenged me to the core—and they emailed me what he said over the radio . . . which I will pass on to you:

“When you are forgotten or neglected or purposely set at naught, and you sting and hurt with the insult of the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ—that is dying to self. When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient loving silence—that is dying to self. When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, or any annoyance, when you can stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility, and endure it as Jesus endured it—that is dying to self. When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment, any climate, any society, any attitude, any interruption by the will of God—that is dying to self. When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation, when you can truly love to be unknown—that is dying to self. When you see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances—that is dying to self. When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself, can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart—that is dying to self.” —Anonymous

Whoa! I’m afraid I just can’t do that!! I know I can’t do that, and am afraid I will disappoint those who think I can! I’m afraid when the time comes, when unselfishness is absolutely required of me—that I will fail miserably! I’m afraid to admit there are desires within me which take precedence over the needs of others and obedience to my faith! Count me in—I’m afraid of the requirements of “dying to self!”

But the promise of Scripture is if I die to myself, that Christ actually lives in me—and with Christ nothing is impossible! Maybe there’s hope for me! Galatians 2:20 reads, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” So with Christ living in me, I might actually be able to demonstrate the impossible—I might actually be able to demonstrate His “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22,23)

Staying in the book of Galatians we read, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” (Galatians 5:24, 25) And further teaching on this is in Romans 6, for example in Romans 6:11: “In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.” I am set free not only from the power of sin and guilt, but also set free from the fear of “dying to self.” It is in dying to my own selfish nature that I am alive in the power of the Holy Spirit to truly live, to truly love.

What does this have to do with deployment? Everything. In and of ourselves we will not be able to stand up under the extreme demands of fighting this global war on terror. We will focus on the unfairness of it all. We will fear the unknown. We will let anger have the day, and we will take it all out on our spouse—the one we are supposed to love the most.

It is only in the power of the Holy Spirit, living in us, that we will have the ability to conquer bitterness, fear, anger . . . selfishness. And by thinking of our spouse and their struggles we can encourage them during this time of separation. We are set free to serve one another in love—even when apart. We can ask the tough questions, like “How are you today?” “Do you know how much I love you?” “How can I pray for you?” And in doing that we are facing our fear . . . the fear of dying to self. And having faced that fear, we can truly begin to live.

Work cited:

Farrar, Steve, How to Ruin Your Life by 40 (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2006)

Questions to Share:

1. Do you believe that, in your marriage, you have been successful at living out Philippians 2:3,4: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

2. During this deployment, how can you serve your spouse in love, considering their needs?

Excellent or Praiseworthy is posted on Monday and Thursday nights.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’S great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. — Lamentations 3:21-23

When I face some new challenge in my life—even potentially scary—one thing I seek to do is to gain perspective. The ground under me might be shaking, but I’m trying to hang onto something solid . . . . something that will help me to make sense of it, help me to remember that I’m not alone, help me to realize that it’s not forever. You know—perspective.

This Mother’s Day I join the ranks of millions of mothers who have gone before me, saying good-by to their sons and daughters and sending them off to war. Today my son is deploying to Afghanistan.

In the past I have seen my brother off to the jungles of southeast Asia—and my husband off to the airfields of the same. Later, good-byes became common during our military career (love those Hellos!) . . . . but I had always heard that feelings are different when it is your child leaving. I think that’s true. I need perspective.

So here are some of the things that I remember when I try to steady myself with some solid perspective:

1. Our God is sovereign and He is good. The Bible teaches that it is our triune God who rules and whose power is always and ultimately good. Because I love Him, and submit to His plan, I trust Him to love and care for my son in foreign lands. I believe God answers prayer, and we will continue to pray unceasingly throughout this deployment. When I remember this, it helps.

2. The many times my husband and I were geographically separated—during wartime and peace-time, God faithfully provided comfort and strength for us. I can look back at all of the “crises” we endured through those years and can see the hand of God as He guided us through every situation. When I remember this, it helps.

3. I grew emotionally and spiritually the most during the tough times in our marriage—even during deployment. It was during just such a lonely time that I became a Christian! I can’t make this deployment “easy” for our son and his family, but I do know that they will grow in faith as they will lean on God for courage, strength, and endurance. When I remember this, it helps.

4. Our national cause is just. Fighting the global war on terror is necessary, and all of you who are battling the terrorist enemy are providing the hope of security in a very insecure world. Nations are being built . . . . freedom established where there was none. Future generations have you to thank for maintaining order in these tumultuous times. When I remember this, it helps.

5. Our military units are well-trained and well-equipped. My son and his unit have been training for this for years. They are ready. He is ready. And his unit has been careful to prepare the families for the deployment separation—which is something I really appreciate. The leadership has made sure that paperwork, communication, supplies and plans are in place and in order. When I remember this, it helps.

6. Our son has tremendous support. Their church, base, unit, neighborhood, friends and relatives . . . . are all standing by to help he and his precious family in every possible way. I have already mailed off his first batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies, and no doubt there will be many more care packages sent by me and others. When I remember this, it helps.

7. Lastly, it helps when I remember that other mothers have been through this in the past . . . . and their words encourage me. I particularly enjoy reading the letters written during former wars. A favorite collection of 365 wartime letters is found in Battlefields & Blessings: Stories of Faith and Courage from The Civil War.

Here are some of the letters or diary entries written by mothers (North and South) in the Civil War:

“ . . . . and I fervently implore my God and my Redeemer to protect and save you in the day of battle, and to encourage your heart and hearts of our commander and all of our noble company, and to strengthen your arms for the conflict . . .” p. 158

“ . . . . it is a consolation to believe that my sons are in the hands of a merciful God. I hope and pray that they may be permitted to return home, if consistent with the Lord’s will, I pray to God every day in their behalf, it is a trial to me, but I pray that our Country may enjoy peace and be independent.” p. 167

“I think too much of my sorrows and too little of my blessings, truly God has been very kind to me, and though he has sent trials to me, yet how do I know but that if it had not been for them I should never have tested the sweetness of God’s mercy.” p. 275

And I also love this diary entry recorded on Sunday, April 3, 1862, by a private in the 100^th Pennsylvania Volunteers. This young man’s mother raised a fine son:

“Slept very little last night, although it continued to rain. Woke about daylight, took up my Bible and read awhile before I got up. I make it a rule to read a portion of scripture every day, although I cannot have any set time; have to be guided by circumstances in a great measure, but always try if possible to read a chapter just before going to sleep. It would be very hard indeed to endure the separation from those that are dear were it not for the consciousness of being in the line of duty, and that God Rules; and that he doeth all things well. Oh how comforting the thought that we have such a God to go to . . . .” p. 101

Mother’s Day is a special time to remember—our own mothers, our dear children, our good friends, our great nation, and our faithful God. We have much for which to be grateful. When I remember this, it helps—and I have perspective and hope.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  — Psalm 91:1,2

Work cited:

Tuley, Terry, Battlefields & Blessings: Stories of Faith and Courage from The Civil War (Chattanooga: Living Ink Books, 2006)

Questions to Share:

1. What encourages you during deployment?

2. With your experience, how can you encourage others who are facing deployment?

Editor’s Note: We are pleased and honored to introduce a new writer to Excellent or Praiseworthy—Mary Katharine Davenport. You can read more of Mary Katharine’s writings on her blog, FiveGirlsTheArmyAndMe.blogspot.com.

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. — Psalm 90:12

It is almost 4pm. I have about six minutes before nap-time is over. I should be elated that another day is quickly evading me. That’s something to get excited about, right? That means just one more day closer to my husband coming home, right? Right.

But you know the funny thing about deployment is that while I am so ready for it to be over, I am not willing to just let life go in the process. Life is too precious to just sit around and wait for it to pass . . . even if the waiting is for something as great as a soldier coming home from war.

I am so ready, yes, so ready to get this deployment over with. BUT, I want to make the most of our days here and be successful . . . accomplish things and be a good steward of our time while he is away. I want to fight my battles and end this deployment with wins, rather than losses.

My battles? Yes, while I don’t sleep in a tent on a cot that collapses in the middle when I sit on it to tie my boots, and while I don’t walk to work and to a cold shower in 3 degree temperatures (just to name a few “fun” current issues), I do have battles that I face on the home front. Battles that leave me drained and weary and frustrated many, many days.

Today I won a lot of those battles, but I feel so beat up by the combat that victory seems anything but victorious. Today was (and I know it’s far from over at this point) one of those days that “on paper” was victorious, but emotionally it was just so draining.

Today was “Doughnuts with Dad” for our daughter’s class.
Another daughter had her first orthodontist appointment today.
I called Veritas and had my first conversation for the High School Honors Program (homeschooling just got a lot more expensive!)
I still could not get my middle daughter to sweep the floor.
I forgot to eat breakfast and ate lunch standing up, again.
When the teacher told her class to not forget about “Doughnuts with Dad” tomorrow, my girl said, “Everyone has a Dad. But mine’s in Affastan.” Her teacher asked me “Is her Grandpa going to come?” As much as I tried, I couldn’t help but have tears roll down my cheeks.

When I sat down to check my email, there was one from my husband with the subject line “42.” When I opened it up, I found this:

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Yes, today the battle was won here on the home front.

And while I am emotionally drained, I am reminded where my help comes from and in whom I should put my hope. I am drained, but I am thankful for my battles and am thankful for my soldier and I will praise my God always. I am thankful for a husband who always seems to know just what I need, and I am thankful that God puts me in situations that keep me close to Him.

I am thankful for our days . . . even when they are draining and even when they are spent with our family on opposite parts of the world, separated by war.

My hope is not in the end of this deployment, but in God.

To Him be the glory.

Questions to Share:

1. At the end of the day, can you declare victory over some of life’s battles? Share with each other the resolution of some struggles you have had.

2. How have you encouraged your spouse as this husband did with Scripture emailed to his wife?

But as for me, afflicted and in pain—may Your salvation, God, protect me. I will praise God’s name in song and glorify Him with thanksgiving. — Psalm 69:29,30

As I face the prospect of two more years in the Army, and the experience of deployed motherhood, there are days when I believe I can do it all with panache…and then there are days when I am tempted with despair. I have been fairly certain for most of my life that my true vocation lies outside the Army and in a high school class room. This keeps me looking for a light at the end of the tunnel during dark days; and on brighter days, I believe that everything I do is contributing to some future endeavor—that nothing learned or experienced in uniform will go to waste. I came into the Army both to finance that goal and to ensure that I would have experiences from which to draw within my pedagogical practice. The privilege of serving my country and the joy of being part of something bigger than myself were also motivators. The Army has not disappointed me in this, but the road has been fraught with disillusionment and burnout that I did not anticipate.

Although the Army has currently embraced “resilience” as a watchword that nods at spiritual fitness as a factor, there has been little in the way of practical, functional advice of how to become resilient when all the odds seem against you. Piecing together a strategy, I find my best examples in my Soldiers and in my peers. The answers I have sought for stress management, resiliency, and coping with authoritarian bosses are still emergent, but I am now grateful to have had the experience of burnout so young. I have the opportunity, in the context of Christian, family, and military community, to avoid the road to despair in future tough assignments.

My next job promises to be sleepless and grueling, and I am unsure what the rewards will be while I am separated from my family. Of course, I want to do my part to ensure we all come home without violating rules of engagement, with our values and consciences intact. I want to help Afghans in a situation where it is increasingly unclear how we can have any lasting positive impact. I have few answers for how to tackle this next challenge, but there is the seed of something that I intend to cultivate more of: gratitude. I have this gut feeling that it might be the antidote to despair. There are phrases that circulate repeatedly in military lingo, such as: “Train as you fight,” “We need to nest our mission with higher,” and “I would offer to you,” but one that I have not listened to through all its echoes is “we owe a debt of gratitude.” It may sound trite, but it accurately describes the state of affairs: what we have been given each day in goodness far outweighs our payments of thanks. I become aware that I have not always had eyes to see this reality.

Scripture is replete with verses about gratitude and thanksgiving, but this morning I need one that addresses two different visions I have—one is on the other side of deployment, a triumphant and energetic overcomer in that high school classroom of my future—the other, of a dusty deployment full of tired computer-screen-eyes and the presence of real human suffering, both Afghan and Coalition. This is what I found in Psalm 69:

²⁹ But as for me, afflicted and in pain—
may your salvation, God, protect me.
³⁰ I will praise God’s name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
³¹ This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hooves.
³² The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
³³ The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.

What I immediately notice is that God is not like a capricious boss out to make a name for himself, but takes more pleasure in our songs of thanks than in our sacrifices. This assures me that while my blood, sweat and tears do not go unnoticed, the condition of my heart is the focal point for pleasing God. If I can recall this more often, perhaps I can avoid getting on the hamster-wheel of pleasing others through my hard work and accomplishments. If my work offerings to others are really just a way to give thanks to God, I might be able to renew my best energies rather than depleting them with little to show for it.

What I notice next is that this burst of hope comes in the middle of a litany of corruption, societal vice, disillusionment and failed human relationships. The psalmist knows all too well what life in a fallen world is like. It is just possible that my deployment will be different than this, but it is likely that it will be a very mixed bag.

I have decided to explore how gratitude can inoculate me against the most toxic things I might experience:

• Today, I will focus on the fact that I will deploy with my sister; that my daughter is healthy; that my husband is my best friend; and that as he carries out the duties of full-time dad, he will enjoy the support of our family and friends, as well a Reserve job he loves while I am gone.
• Today, I will be glad that I get paid to get back in (and stay!) in shape every morning, that there are always a handful of people to really enjoy working with in every organization, and that we are going to wear the more practical and comfortable MultiCam uniforms and not the stiff Army Combat Uniform we currently endure.
• Today, I will start a “Gratitude Wall,” where among the mail I need to answer and the ink cartridges I need to recycle, I will write or add anything that makes me glad to be alive. I will go to the wall and meditate on something to add regularly, and any time I feel defeat at my shoulder. I will let nothing be too small a cause for thanksgiving.

I will see if remembering that God is on the throne and that I have much more than I need to survive will lead to thriving in difficult places.

Editor’s Note:  Heather McColl Morgan’s blog “I Taste a Liquor Never Brewed” can be found at: http://liquorneverbrewed.blogspot.com/

Questions to Share:

1. Taking up Heather’s challenge to “let nothing be too small a cause for thanksgiving,” name three things for which you are grateful today.
2. Heather’s premise is that gratitude might be the antidote to despair. Can you recall an experience in which that was true?

In memory of Denise McColl, who went home to be with our Lord four years ago on March 29, 2008. . . and in honor of the McColl family who demonstrated great love and care. . .we are re-posting this devotional.  It was originally posted on February 25, 2008, before Denise’s death. May their story bless you as the McColls have blessed us. . .

New words and phrases keep coming into our English language—some better than others! On the “bad” side, I am distressed at the new use of the word “whatever.” Being one who loves Philippians 4:8, from which this devotional is named, the word “whatever” leads me into thinking of things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy. But now, in our culture, “whatever” is tossed out in disrespect and flippancy—often to cut off a conversation in misunderstanding.

But on the “good” side, I really enjoy the new phrase that we use to help visualize a new idea and to begin planning to that end. “What would it look like if ________” is the way we can gather and dream about a new project, with hopes that the outcome will look the way we envision.

So here’s the question: What would it look like if a Christian couple chose to face military life as an opportunity to exhibit and demonstrate Christ-likeness under all circumstances. . . even deployment?  What would it look like if they faced the challenges of “constant schedule changes, the times of transition, the long periods of waiting, (for orders, housing, homecomings, etc.) the many uncertainties concerning deployments, the long periods of single-parenting, the long ‘silent’ periods during separations, the months spent ‘camping out’ at each new location, the adjustments of each family member at new homes, schools, and working environments” (Footsteps of the Faithful, p. 11) totally relying on God to meet their needs, strengthen and comfort them, in order to be able to finish strong?

It would look like the McColl family, as shared in the book Footsteps of the Faithful, subtitled Victorious Living and The Military Life. This book was life-changing for me, in terms of ministry to military families facing the global war on terror. The book was written in the early 1990’s by a Navy wife whose husband served on submarines. Here is Denise McColl’s perspective, “We wives have a unique opportunity as Christians serving in the military to share the peace that the Lord gives us even in our husbands’ comings and goings. It is a living testimony that our security, our worth, and our perspective is not totally wrapped up in our spouse’s presence, but in the presence of the God whom we serve.” (p. 118) Wow! This is what Kingdom-living looks like, military-style!

I have never met Denise McColl, and chances are, this side of heaven, we will not meet. You see, Denise is experiencing great pain and suffering with brain cancer—on the opposite coast of the United States from where I live. Her husband and five daughters have been lovingly caring for her—no doubt with the help of many friends and professionals. When I found out that the McColls were going through this tender time, I felt compelled to share the legacy that this family’s story has meant to me.

One of my favorite chapters in the book is entitled “Deployment Detours.” In it, the oldest daughter (Heather) asks her mother this question:

“But, Mom, what do you really think Dad’s doing?’ Heather prodded.

‘I really don’t know, Heather. But you know what? It doesn’t matter, because I know that whatever he’s doing, God is watching over him. And hopefully he is having lots of chances to tell people about Jesus. Do you remember what Daddy reminded you of when he left, girls?’

‘Yeah, Mom. He told us to encourage each other and to be a blessing.’

‘That’s right. And I hope you will continue to do that. And when you do, think of your dad at sea who hopes so much to do the same. He wants to encourage his shipmates and to be a blessing to them. If you can remember to pray for him about that, you’ll begin to have a pretty good idea about what he’s doing. Does that help girls”? (p. 79)

It did help, and their story helps us to see victorious Christian living in spite of challenges. As my husband and I travel as missionaries to posts and bases, we are introduced to other military families who live out Matthew 6:33: “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” We are blessed by their faithfulness to each other and to God and consider it a privilege to pass on their stories. Not that they don’t struggle with good days/bad days. . . .but that they’re able to face the days filled with the Holy Spirit and proclaiming His faithfulness to all generations.

Halfway through Footsteps of the Faithful, Denise includes a chapter written by her husband, Angus. As leader of the McColl family, I was intrigued by what he had to add to her account. Here is some of what he wrote:

“I have decided that the best thing that I can do as a military man who feels called by God to ‘stay with it,’ is to look for other ways in which I can minister to my wife and family rather than to be frustrated by the ways in which I can’t. I know that while I am on sea duty I will often not be able to minister to them, but I have learned a lot of ways that I can still share with them even in my absence. I have learned that even though I am often gone, it is mostly a matter of making my family a priority.” (p. 109)

He continues as he shares how prayer kept them together during deployments:

“I have found it useful to develop a list of prayer topics with my wife prior to leaving so that we have some common ground for prayer. Developing this list together before deploying and then checking it together after being reunited has been one of our greatest encouragements as a couple. . . . Separation is never easy, but prayer builds many bridges, and it is a great tool to help us cling to common ground.” (p. 113) He goes on to add the value he saw by choosing a “family deployment project.” Perhaps that is another story for another “Excellent or Praiseworthy” devotional! Stay tuned. . . .

Denise closes her book in proclamation of God’s provision and God’s purpose:

“Thankfully, we don’t live from war to war but from day to day. And in our day to day living, the grey spots can certainly cloud our perspectives, often so much so that we give up the battle as we lose our stance under the pressures of military life. That is why our stability in Jesus is of utmost importance. . . . God’s purpose is not that we grope through the grey times, but that we grow through them! We don’t often see what His purposes are in undergoing a harsh time until we are on the other side of it. So our only hope is to cling to Him through it, to stand firm or move forward as He calls us.” (p. 206-207)

May God bless you and your family, Denise, in your current battle, and may “…the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:7

McColl, Denise, Footsteps of the Faithful: Victorious Living and the Military Life (Orlando: Campus Crusade for Christ, 1994)

Questions to Share:

1. What would it look like if we could take Philippians 2:14 to heart and chose to live it in deployment? “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.”

2. What would it look like if you faced death with the assurance that you were going to spend eternity in heaven with Jesus? “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” —John 3:16

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” — Jeremiah 31:3

“It was the love letters—that’s what really helped.” I was having a conversation with a military wife who had struggled for years through an unhappy marriage—but had seen that marriage turn around, slowly at first, because of changes that only God could have brought about.

One of the steps this couple had taken in their journey to marriage recovery was attending a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember marriage conference several years ago. I wasn’t surprised that one of the projects they completed that weekend—to write each other love letters—had been instrumental in getting them back on the right track.

In ministry to military marriages, my husband and I hear about the value of those love letters a lot. It is one reason why we are glad that taking the time to write your spouse is a project in several of the HomeBuilders small group Bible studies, including Making Your Marriage Deployment Ready. Putting deep feelings down on paper can be a difficult exercise, but the benefits are priceless. To remember (again) what attracted you to your spouse in the beginning, to recount what you appreciate about each other, and to express how you hope to grow in love with God and each other . . . these declarations can take a fractured relationship and begin the process to regain wholeness. Not just writing, but giving, that letter to your spouse is truly the “gift that keeps on giving.”

In our culture of instant messaging, texting, email and cell phones it’s too easy to just share information. Sharing feelings is what keeps a couple connected through the ups and downs of marriage, especially during deployment. Sometimes this takes putting pen to paper—a time-tested tradition in which we can communicate information, share feelings from the heart, and have something tangible which your loved one can read. . . and re-read. . . during the lonely times of separation.

A Marine wife shared a letter exchange with me (and with his permission) that she and her husband had during one of his deployments. She had written and asked him, “What is it like to be loved by me?” Part of his answer included these words: “To know that one is loved at all produces a special type of resilience to whatever obstacles one faces, lifts the spirit, and gives one a sense of self-worth. No matter what happens in this life of mine, I know that I am loved by God, and that knowledge alone helps me through all the negative things that I may encounter whether they are from outside influences, or from within my own self. At the same time, this type of love magnifies the joy that life brings as well, giving love this awesome ability to protect, discipline, and bring happiness to ones self and to others as well.” Wow!

Stonewall Jackson is a wonderful role model for this—among the great letter-writers of all times. He had a beautiful marriage, and shared his thoughts oftentimes in correspondence with his wife. During the Civil War, one of his letters to her read, “When in prayer for you last Sabbath, the tears came to my eyes, and I realized an unusual degree of emotional tenderness. I have not yet fully analyzed my feelings to my satisfaction, so as to arrive at the cause of such emotions; but I am disposed to think that it consisted in the idea of the intimate relation existing between you, as the object of my tender affection, and God, to whom I looked up as my Heavenly Father. I felt that day as if it were a communion day for myself.” Life and Letters of General Jackson, p. 67.

We have two old trunks at our house filled with memorabilia. One includes letters from World War II, from my parents to each other as my father was serving in the Army Air Corps while my mother was waiting with little children at Romulus Air Field in Michigan and Hondo Air Field in Texas. The other trunk contains letters from the Vietnam War. . . from my husband and I to each other during our time apart. And it is not unusual for me to come across others who share that they have “discovered” a shoe box in their grandparents attic—filled with letters from past wars. I have to admit that when I read old family letters, I do not feel like I am “invading” personal lives. . . but rather standing on hallowed ground. I feel that I am a part of what took place years past and is now a part of our family legacy—the deep expression of loving feelings which have weathered the test of time.

So whether you struggle to find the right words—and choose instead to purchase an appropriate card. . . or write down the simple truth “I love you” on a slip of paper before putting it into an envelope. . . these words are gifts to your spouse, the impact of which may be beyond what you can now imagine.

And let us never forget that the greatest “love letter” to you and to me. . . is the Bible. From Genesis to Revelation and in every book in-between we see and read of God’s great love for us:

“Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever.” — 1 Chronicles 16:34

“But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate; slow to anger and abounding in love.” — Nehemiah 9:17

“When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ Your love, O LORD, supported me.” — Psalm 94:18

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” — Lamentations 3:21-23

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” — John 3:16

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship (or deployment) or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? . . . . No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” — Romans 8:35, 37-39

Amen and Amen. . . . What a Love Letter!

Work cited:

Tuley, Terry, Battlefield & Blessings: Stories of Faith and Courage from The Civil War (Chattanooga: Living Ink Books, 2006), p. 186.

Questions to Share:

1. Have you ever hand-written a love letter to your spouse? If you did take that opportunity, what would you want to express?

2. Do you know that you are loved? Make a list of the ways in which you know you are loved by others and by God.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” —Hebrews 13:4

Another day—another email announcing marital troubles as a result of poor decisions made during deployment. I want to scream, “Oh, No!! Not again!!” Didn’t this couple know there were dangers—weren’t they warned?

It all reminds me of something we posted a while ago on Excellent or Praiseworthy entitled “Absence Makes the Heart Grow ____.” Maybe it’s time to post again. . . Maybe it’s time to warn . . . Please be careful!!  Here is some wisdom worth repeating from postings past:

Have you ever heard the phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” and wondered if that was really true during deployment? Turns out the phrase has been around hundreds of years and means “the lack of something increases the desire for it.” Does that phrase win out over the other phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind”, also centuries old? The truth is, keeping a marriage growing during the separation of military duty takes work.

The flip side would be “Absence makes the heart grow wander.” A spouse can be deceived into thinking that there is no harm in developing casual relationships with members of the opposite sex while deployed. Here are some examples of those situations where “red flags” need to be observed as warnings:

“Emailing an old girl friend from high school doesn’t hurt anything. After all, she might be interested to know that I’m fighting in the desert.” WARNING! Connecting over the internet with someone other than your spouse might start innocently enough, but can lead to serious feelings and dangerous problems.

“You’re going to be gone a long time. I need someone close to pay attention to me and help out!” WARNING! Call on a friend of the same gender, or group in your church or community to listen and help. Prepare ahead of the deployment by building safe relationships which will provide support when your spouse is gone.

“We’re just going to have dinner together. She wants to talk to me about how her husband doesn’t understand her, and I might be able to share with her about my faith and why our marriage is so good.” WARNING! No! If “she” needs to share about her troubles, she needs to go to a chaplain or a girl friend, not to someone else’s husband. The opposite could be true, of course, in a man seeking marital “advice” from a woman. That is also dangerous territory.

These are just a few—we all know that there are more ways to “slide” into immorality. The Bible has strict warnings about the consequences of marital infidelity:

“But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.” —Proverbs 6:32

“It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable . . .” —1 Thessalonians 4:3-4

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” —Ephesians 5:3

“Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” —1 Corinthians 6:18-20

And Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” —Matthew 5:27-28

I would like to suggest a third version of the phrase which I have seen demonstrated in the lives of many who are fighting hard to keep their marriages healthy during the challenges of deployment: “Absence makes the heart grow stronger.”

Years ago there was a song performed by the couple, Captain and Tennille (am I showing my age??) called “Love, Love will keep us together.” It was a sweet song, but the truth is that sometimes you don’t feel like you love your spouse—or he/she is many miles away. What will keep you together then? The real truth is that “Commitment will keep us together.” A couple who is totally committed to staying together through the thick and thin, through the joys and the sorrows, through the ups and the downs. . . that couple will be intentional about guarding their marriage from the enemies which seek to destroy (yes, destroy) it.

How can you “guard” a marriage, in order to provide the strength to finish the deployment with your relationship intact? Here are some thoughts:

1. Maintain a close relationship with God, including daily time in prayer and in Scripture.  And don’t forget to ask your spouse “How can I pray for you?”;
2. Set up an accountability partner (of the same gender) who will be able to ask you the tough questions about your thought life, reading material, use of the internet, conversations with others, use of leisure time;
3. Spend as much time as you can staying connected with your spouse through letters, email, Skype, telephone—and take the time to be creative with special gifts or ways that they will know that you love and care for them.  If possible read a book, Bible or devotional together–many have found this to be a helpful discipline;
4. Don’t flirt, share intimate secrets about your spouse, or seek a friendship outside of your marital relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Show discernment!
5. Seek help in your marriage from appropriate sources if/when necessary.  There are so many excellent seminars (Weekend to Remember, Art of Marriage, Love and Respect, to name a few), helpful books (Sacred Marriage, Strike the Original Match, Before the Last Resort, to name just a few), Christian counseling agencies, pastors and chaplains, useful websites (familylife.com, focusonthefamily.com).  Don’t give up–use discernment and get qualified help!

These are just a few of the ways that you can be wise. A good marriage is a precious gift, and will serve to strengthen your family for generations to come. It is worth fighting for, and even when you are absent—it can grow stronger.

“Some Pharisees came to Him to test Him. They asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?’ ‘Haven’t you read,’ He replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For his reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” —Matthew 19:3-6

Questions to Share:

1. In what ways do you believe that “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

2. How can you demonstrate commitment to your spouse so that the last phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow stronger” can be true of your marriage?

“Haven’t you read,” He (Jesus) replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” — Matthew 19:4-6

Covenant. Commitment. These are words we share in the Christian church, and in the Christian marriage.

And sometimes, as a time of remembrance and renewal, couples will recite their wedding vows again to each other . . . as a sign that “what was true then is still true now.” Perhaps even more so.

Sometimes couples will mark a special anniversary with the renewing of their vows. Sometimes before deployment. Sometimes after deployment.

A church in Michigan recently had a ceremony attended by couples who wanted to renew their wedding vows. The words which the pastor (Pastor Mark Haines of Bay City Wesleyan Church, Bay City, Michigan) wrote and the attendees recited are as beautiful and true as any I have ever read. Shared by Bob and Cheryl Moeller on “Marriage Minutes,” the write-up was entitled, “Three Things Your Spouse Needs to Hear and You Need to Say”:

I Did
At our wedding ceremony, I chose you to be my spouse.
I promised to live with you according to God’s holy Word.
On that life changing day, I promised to love you,
to comfort you,
to honor and keep you.
I swore to stand by you
for better or worse,
in sickness and in health.
At our wedding I renounced all others
and promised to give myself to only you, so long as we both shall live.
The pastor said, “Will you take this one?”
And I did.
I Do
Today, I choose you to be my spouse.
I promise to continue living with you according to God’s holy Word.
On this ordinary day of our life together, I promise to keep on loving you,
to keep on comforting you,
to keep on honoring and keeping you.
Today, I am standing by you
for better or worse,
in sickness and in health.
Today and every day, I renounce all others
(no websites, no magazines, no videos, no lingering leers, or secret meetings).
I give myself to you and only you, so long as we both shall live.
People may ask, “Will you take this one?”
And, you must know, I do.
I Always Will
Tomorrow and everyday God gives us, I will choose you to be my spouse.
I will continue living with you according to God’s holy Word.
Every day we share by God’s grace, I promise to always love you,
to always comfort you,
to always honor and keep you.
As long as I have breath, I will stand by you
for better or worse,
in sickness and in health.
I will always renounce all others
and always give myself to only you, so long as we both shall live.
Our great-grandchildren may ask, “Will you take this one?”
And, you can count on this, I always will.
I did.
I do.
I always will.
Your spouse needs to hear these 3 things and you need to say them as you gaze into his or her eyes.

Wow—I find this to be powerful.

Another beautiful renewal ceremony for military comes at the end of the HomeBuilders Bible study Making Your Marriage Deployment Ready. Called the “Marriage Commitment Ceremony,” the vows recited are:

“Believing that God, in His wisdom and providence, has established marriage as a covenant relationship, a sacred and lifelong promise, reflecting our unconditional love for each other and believing that God intends for the marriage covenant to reflect His promise to never leave us nor forsake us, We commit our lives to be faithful to each other during the unique challenges of military service and beyond . . . to seek God’s help in order to finish strong, standing firm on the vows that we made on our wedding day, and on the Word of God which gives us the blueprint for this commitment.”

Perhaps this is a day for you to say these words to your spouse. Perhaps there is a day in the future, Lord willing, when you can say these words to your spouse—or you can say them to each other.

I pray so.

Work Cited:

Bob and Cheryl Moeller, “Marriage Minutes,” Wednesday, February 22, 2012.

Q & A With Pastor Mark Haines

Montgomery, Mike and Linda and Keith and Sharon Morgan, Making Your Marriage Deployment Ready (Little Rock: FamilyLife Publishing, 2008), p. 95.

Questions to Share:

1. Pray that the Lord will give you wisdom as to how you may use these vow renewal ceremonies in your own marriage.
2. Consider writing your own renewal of vows which might speak directly to what you and your spouse share in your commitment to each other.

“I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?” — Jeremiah 32:27

Have you ever wondered. . . .

Where in the world did we get the idea that sin has no consequences?

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” — Galatians 6:7.8

Where in the world did we get the idea that celebrities have all the answers to life?

“For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.” — 1 Corinthians 3:19

Where in the world did we get the idea that biblical roles of manhood and womanhood are out of date?

“. . . .each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” — Ephesians 5:33

Where in the world did we get the idea that nothing would ever go wrong in life?

Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” — John 16:33

Where in the world did we get the idea that when there is a time of trouble in a marriage that the only answer is divorce?

“Haven’t you read,” He (Jesus) replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” — Matthew 19:4-6

Where in the world did we get the idea that “if I have my health, I have everything?”

“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” — 1 Timothy 4:8

Where in the world did we get the idea that “the one who dies with the most toys wins?”

Jesus said, “What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?”— Matthew 16:26

Where in the world did we get the idea that there was no hope for PTSD sufferers?

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:. . . .A time to kill and a time to heal . . .” — Ecclesiastes 3:1-3

Where in the world did we get the idea that God is not with us downrange, or at home?

“Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? To be out of your sight? If I climb to the sky, you’re there! If I go underground, you’re there! If I flew on morning’s wings to the far western horizon, You’d find me in a minute—you’re already there waiting!”— Psalm 139:7-10 (The Message)

Where in the world did we get the idea that “fooling around” is okay because “everyone is doin’ it?”

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” — Hebrews 13:4

Where in the world did we get the idea that there is no such thing as absolute truth?

“Jesus answered, ‘. . . . In fact, for this reason I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.’” — John 18:37

Where in the world did we get the idea that nothing good for my family can come out of being separated by deployment?

“. . .but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” — Romans 5:4,5

Where in the world did we get the idea that the Old Testament isn’t relevant?

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” — 2 Timothy 3:16,17

Where in the world did we get the idea that God cannot heal a broken marriage?

“Jesus looked at them and said, . . . . all things are possible with God.”— Mark 10:27

Where in the world did we get the idea that the purpose of life is to be happy?

“And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” — Micah 6:8

Where in the world did we get these ideas? Answer–In the world. . . .

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world.”— 1 John 2:15-17

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

So when you are faced with a situation, where do you look for answers?  Be careful not to just rely on your own thoughts and feelings, perhaps influenced by well-meaning friends or relatives whose suggestions might be “worldly.”  “My buddy says I should ________.”  “My sister thinks that I should _______.”

What does God say you should do?  Truth is in His word, the Bible.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” — Proverbs 3:5,6

Questions to Share:

1. What situation are you facing right now for which you need God’s guidance?

2. Pray for God to guide you to trust Him for direction.