“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”  —James 1:19-20

Rarely does a movie come out that just “nails it”—gets to the heart of a matter and offers hope in an impossible situation. But last weekend, it happened. The movie Fireproof opened at theaters across our nation—and the creators of this movie (also of Facing the Giants) have given us the gift of a movie that speaks Truth into our hearts.  And that Truth, in the person of Jesus Christ, has the power to change lives.

The storyline is of a firefighter whose marriage is in crisis, and getting worse by the moment.  But this is not a movie just for First Responders—this is for everyone. This is a movie for everyone who has given up on their marriage, or known someone who has. This is a movie for everyone who has said something hurtful to their spouse—and thought about it later. . . you know, “Ready! Fire! Aim!”  What good can come from lashing out first, then thinking and regretting what you’ve said in a moment of anger?

This is a movie which depicts a husband who isn’t getting respect, and a wife who isn’t getting love—and what a damaging cycle that can create (read Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ Love and Respect and Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages).  This is a movie about how change comes with time and loving sacrifice. This is a movie about what it takes to examine a marriage with eyes to see, and to listen with ears to hear . . .  perhaps for the first time.

This is a movie with humor, and with tears.  In this movie we see life—and marriage—played out before us in ways that evoked these responses from two military members who attended Fireproof this weekend:

“The man in the movie reminded me a lot of myself. All the things he was saying are a lot of the stuff I say to my wife. I think maybe I have been taking the wrong approach to my marriage.” 

“It was life-changing. It ministered to me directly; it was as if God was talking to me personally. I couldn’t help crying throughout the movie.” 

The movie’s main character, Caleb, is played by Kirk Cameron.  When Caleb announces his pending divorce from Catherine, his dad challenges Caleb to take forty days and follow the guidance in a book which he has prepared in his own handwriting—a book called The Love Dare. Day-by-day we watch on-screen as this hurting husband works through written assignments that require him to perform tasks designed to stretch his understanding of his wife and her needs. The Love Dare is a real book available in bookstores everywhere. Let me share some of the insights from it:  

“The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is. The Bible says that ‘the heart is more deceitful that all else’ (Jeremiah 17:9), and it will always pursue that which feels right at the moment. We dare you to think differently—choosing instead to lead your heart toward that which is best in the long run. This is a key to lasting, fulfilling relationships.” (p. viii)

“Kindness is love in action. If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing. One is preventive, the other proactive.” (p. 6)

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen . . . Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:29-32)

“If there were ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness.” (p. 11)

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)

“There are two main reasons why people are rude: ignorance and selfishness.” (p. 22)

“(Love) is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)

“Do you wish your spouse would quit doing things that bother you? Then it’s time to stop doing the things that bother them.” (p.23)

“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Luke 6:31)

What if you are not close to a theater which is showing Fireproof?  You can check online at www.fireproofthemovie.com or www.fireproofmymarriage.com for locations of theaters. What if you are overseas, or deployed? We recommend getting a copy of The Love Dare and using its insights and strategies to begin your own journey to a redeemed marriage. When the DVD movie goes on sale January 27^th we encourage you to get a copy and watch this movie—no matter where you are or what you are experiencing in your marriage.

Words aimed at your spouse as if they were the enemy can do damage beyond what you ever intended. Why? Because your spouse knows that your words come from your heart. The Bible says, “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34) In order for change to take place in an injured marriage, the heart must first get right with the Lord. Go see the movie—I dare you!

Kendrick, Stephen & Alex, The Love Dare (Nashville, B&H Publishing Group, 2008)

Questions to Share:

1.      Have you ever said anything hurtful to your spouse that you regretted later?  If you have not apologized and asked for forgiveness, perhaps now is the time.

2.      Has your spouse ever said anything hurtful to you?  Begin the journey of redemption by reading and praying with these verses:  Matthew 6:14-15, Mark 11:25, Colossians 3:13.

As a retired Army officer, he knows well the demands of his son’s command, and his heart pours into his words every morning. How do I know this? His wife shared with me his early morning ritual of loving devotion (with his permission), hoping that we could encourage one another in this discipline.

He prayed his way through Romans—sending verses and a prayer every morning from the next chapter:

Monday— “Overcome Evil”

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” — Romans 12:21

“Heavenly Father, I pray that You would give my son Your wisdom on how to overcome the evil that he faces in his enemies and combat operations with good. Give him the discernment to reach those who are not his enemies, but are nonetheless part of his problem. It is almost like this verse defines the challenge he and his men face, and since it is Your Word and was written long ago, I pray that You would show him how to live it out in his command decisions on a daily basis. In Jesus’ Name we pray. Amen”

Tuesday—“Law Fulfilled”

“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law. The commandments, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”— Romans 13:8-10

“Heavenly Father, Your words are so simple and so true, yet it’s not always easy to apply them. I pray that You would give my son and his leaders in Afghanistan an understanding on how the fulfillment of the law and the command to love applies to a land of poverty of things and poverty of spirit. Where is the hope in all of this? We trust in Your guidance. In Jesus’ Name we pray. Amen”

Wednesday—“Passing Judgment”

“You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. It is written: ‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord, ‘every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.’ So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.” — Romans 14:10-13

“Heavenly Father, help us take on the ‘Mind of Christ’ and determine to do what is right, but not get caught up in judging others. Rather help us understand how to not be a stumbling block to our brothers and encourage them to continue their walk with You. In Jesus’ Name we pray. Amen.”

Thursday—“Endurance and Encouragement”

“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” — Romans 15:4-7

“Heavenly Father, we are trained in the church and in the army to have endurance and encouragement; but there are times when only Your endurance and encouragement can take us through the day or the valley where we are walking. You give us this endurance and encouragement for a purpose. . . unity of spirit as we follow Jesus, so that we may glorify You. Therefore we accept one another, just as You have accepted us. What more can we really ask for? We thank You. In Jesus’ Name. Amen”

Friday—“Benediction”

“Now to Him who is able to establish you by my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all nations might believe and obey Him—to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen.” — Romans 16:25-27

“Heavenly Father, I thank You that You have established my son by Your gospel. On this challenging mission, in this strange land and stranger people, there are more questions than can possibly be answered in the world’s sense, but by this scripture You have revealed Yourself to my son so that all nations might believe and obey Your Son. We don’t know how this might happen or when, but are confident that whatever it is, it is part of Your plan. I thank You for my son and his men and pray for them, their mission and their families at home. In Jesus’ Name we pray. Amen.”

And so is the week. A new morning, a new chapter of scripture, a new prayer—the first of many that will be spoken silently and aloud throughout the day. And here is the promise that he stands on: “This is the assurance we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him.” — 1 John 5:14

This father rests in that promise, knowing that His heavenly Father holds his precious son in His holy and righteous Hands.

Questions to share:

1. What Bible verse could you use to pray for a loved one?

2. What Bible verse would you like someone to use to pray for you?

Jesus said, “He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.  But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.”   —John 10:3b-5

 “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’”  —Isaiah 30:21

Jesus said, “He who has ears, let him hear.”  — Matthew 11:15

The new class of high school seniors walks into Mr. Mike’s Sunday School room every September, eager to begin the year of study that will prepare them for “life.”  Mr. Mike begins the hour with three sets of important questions:

— “In the next six years you will be making very important decisions which will affect the rest of your life.  What are some of them?”  The answers begin—whether or not to go to college; which college to go to; what to major in at college; what job to get; who to marry; whether or not to join the military; where to live.

— “How will you make these decisions?  Who will you go to for advice?”  The answers are a little slower in coming, but include—peers, parents, pastors, the media, books, internet, teachers, friends.

— “Are you going to weigh all advice equally?  Who has your best interests at heart?” The class begins to rank these “voices” in terms of who they should listen to first, and last, based on which influencer knows them best and cares the most.

And thus begins the year of Bible study and worldview training.  If the students are astute, and most of them are, they will remember this first lesson—and it will serve them well when they are weighing options and making tough choices. 

Some of the biggest mistakes I have made were because I followed bad advice.  I listened to the wrong “voices.”  I thought that following current cultural trends was more important than following age-old wisdom.  I thought that everyone’s motives were pure and that they knew what was best for me.  I thought I could trust someone with experience, even if that experience had led them into failure. I thought that many college degrees made a person an expert. I thought that an older generation couldn’t possibly relate to my contemporary situations. I thought that no one could possibly understand what I was going through unless they had “walked a mile in my shoes.” I thought that clichés like, “if it feels good, do it”. . . and “I’m okay, you’re okay” . . . and “there’s no such thing as black and white—everything is gray,” were true statements on which to base major decisions. And in a very contradictory way, I thought there was no such thing as truth—that humanism and situational ethics ruled the day.  I was wrong, and many others with me.  And there are consequences to bad choices.

Times really haven’t changed, have they?  If anything, there are more voices competing for our attention than ever before.  How do you sort through all of that?  Whom do you listen to when life seems burdensome and hope seems gone?  If you’re a spouse on a third deployment, do you listen to a “friend” who says, “You’re too young to be tied down like this. Get a divorce.”  Or when pornography rears its ugly head, do you listen to a voice that says, “It doesn’t do any harm—no one will know and no one will get hurt.”  Or when there is temptation to flirt or spend intimate time with a member of the opposite sex, do you listen to someone who says, “It’s okay.  Everyone is doing it.”

Are these voices telling the truth?  Is marriage just a contract with “satisfaction guaranteed or your money back”, or is it a covenant made with the vows, “for better or worse”?  Are “adult” sexual images totally victimless—or are they addictive and harmful? And is it true that in committing adultery “everyone is doing it”—and that somehow makes it right? These are lies, and they come from the pit of hell.  When Jesus speaks of the devil, He says, “When he (Satan) lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”  (John 8:44)

What voices should you be listening to? John 8:47 goes on to say, “He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.” Acknowledging your sin and your need for a Savior. . .then surrendering your life to Jesus Christ, receiving His forgiveness. . . gives you the ability to know our Father and to hear His voice.  John 1:12 says, “Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God.”  My own children know my voice—and they know all of its intonations.  The same is true of the children of God—our spirits are in tune with His Spirit, and will hear what He says when He speaks through His Word, through prayer, through the church, and through circumstances (yours and others). 

As a child of God, how can you seek His will when there are so many voices competing for your attention?  Here are some suggestions:

— Make decisions consistent with the Word of God. The Bible is our “instruction manual”, and contains directions for living the Christian life. If a worldly voice says that adultery is okay because our culture is rampant with it. . . but the Bible says that adultery is a sin, then a Christian will know that choosing to live a pure life in commitment to his/her spouse is the right thing to do. God will bless that decision.  But we cannot know what is in the Bible unless we spend time (preferably daily) reading it!  If you don’t know where to start in reading through the Bible, you may want to begin by reading the book of John in the New Testament. Most verses in this EorP devotional are from the book written by the apostle John.  

— Seek wisdom from Godly mentors. Do you know a Christian who is seeking to follow Christ in every aspect of his or her life? Ask them for counsel, for prayer, for recommendations of resources. Make sure that this person is the same gender as you. Chaplains are also available in most units to point you in a spiritual direction, and they can recommend someone to come alongside you and help you grow spiritually during this deployment—a spiritual “battle buddy”.  And at home find a church (or chapel) and get “plugged in”—one which is military-friendly and desires to support you through this time of separation.

— Make yourself accountable.  A small group of fellow believers can be a great place to gain encouragement, study the Bible, pray, and keep yourself accountable for proper decisions.

— Pray to have “ears to hear.” Jesus often spoke of having “eyes to see and ears to hear.” I want to see God at work—and I want to hear what He has to say to me. Pray for the humility to hear His voice, and to be able to separate it from the clamor of voices of the world. His Word is truth. And Jesus said, “If you hold to My teaching, you are really My disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  (John 8:31-32)

Jesus said, “My sheep listen to My voice; I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of My hand.”  (John 10:27-28)  Knowing and listening to the voice of God will always lead you down the right path, holding His hand every step of the way!

Questions to Share:

1.      What decisions do you have to make in the next few years?

2.      To whom will you go for good advice in making those decisions?

Jesus said, “Before long, the world will not see Me anymore, but you will see Me.  Because I live, you also will live.”  —John 14:19

  “All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.  How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!  Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.  When I awake, I am still with You.” — Psalm 139:16-18

Researching the stories behind hymns of our Christian faith has been a particular joy to me. Knowing what was in the mind of the songwriters just seems to make the lyrics come alive. On April 14^th, in an Excellent or Praiseworthy devotional named “These Two Things I Know” I recounted the story behind the great song, “Jesus Loves Me.”  The lady who wrote that children’s classic, Anna B. Warner, was in military ministry during the Civil War, leading Bible studies with cadets at West Point. It’s exciting to think about some of our great military leaders during that conflict having been taught by one who could so succinctly and powerfully proclaim the truth of God’s word. 

And this week I have had another opportunity to consider the words in another great song of praise—“Because He Lives” by Bill and Gloria Gaither.  The Gaithers are famous for many of our most popular contemporary gospel songs—“There’s Something About that Name”, “Let’s Just Praise the Lord”, “It is Finished”, “He Touched Me”, “The King is Coming”, “Something Beautiful”, and many, many more. For most of their collaborations Gloria writes the lyrics and Bill writes the music. . . . and between them they have published some 600 titles since their marriage in 1962.

But the story behind “Because He Lives” resonated with our family in a way that I think matches other families during these turbulent times.  In the late 1960s, the Gaithers were facing the birth of their third child during a time when illness, extended family problems, financial unknowns, the Vietnam war, rampant teaching of “God is dead” in our educational systems, racial tension, drug abuse—and even some voices calling for population control—weighed oppressively on their minds and hearts.  Gloria’s thoughts were accompanied by fear, doubt, and torment as she pondered the reality of bringing a child into this crazy world.

But one night . . .  “after a simple prayer by one of Bill’s close friends—a prayer that commanded the devil to back off—both Bill and Gloria recall that the strength of the Holy Spirit seemed to come to their aid. Christ’s resurrection, in all its power, was reaffirmed in their hearts. They were assured that the future, left in God’s hands, would be just fine. In July 1970 a healthy baby, Benjamin, was born. Inspired by the miracle of their son’s birth, ‘Because He Lives’ poured out of the Gaithers’ grateful hearts. The song clearly affirms the hope believers have in Christ. We can face tomorrow, with all its uncertainty, as we realize that God holds the future and makes life worth living.”  (http://www.christianitytoday.com/tc/2004/003/13.12.html)

Four days ago, amidst the financial turmoil on Wall Street, division over politics and clashes of worldviews in our nation and around the world, a global war on terror, hurricanes and earthquakes, and many of the same social problems whose consequences were just becoming known when the song was written, our daughter and her husband celebrated the birth of their beautiful baby girl. Our whole family is joyous because of the hope and excitement of this new little one.  We praise God, Who has known this child from before she was born, and Who loves her and has a plan for her life—as He does all of us. 

Consider thoughtfully the words of “Because He Lives”, knowing now the story behind the song and its poignant second verse:

“God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He lives!

And then one day, I’ll cross the river,
I’ll fight life’s final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to vict’ry,
I’ll see the lights of glory and I’ll know He lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!”  (copyright by William J. Gaither, 1971)

Perhaps during deployment you are wondering what the future will hold. We don’t know. But, as the song says, we know Who holds the future!  And that’s good enough for me, because I know that He is good. His birth into this sin-cursed world, His life of demonstrated love, His death on the cross as a blood sacrifice for the forgiveness of sin, and His resurrection which paves the way to heaven for those who believe and follow Christ is the real story behind the song “Because He Lives.”  Faith in Jesus Christ expressed in this sweet song  may reflect a simple child-like faith, but it is the kind of faith that our Lord calls us to when He said, “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”  (Matthew 18:3)  Just as my little granddaughter trusts her mommy and daddy because of her innocence and helplessness, we are to trust our Heavenly Father.  That is the kind of peace the Holy Spirit gives us when we believe and follow, even during these turbulent times. 

Questions to Share:

1. Do you know the simple faith contained in the Gaithers’ song?  If you do not, please read the EorP devotional “Keep On Praying” from Oct 4, 2007. Let today be the day that you give your life to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

2.  What words in the song “Because He Lives” particularly speak to you and encourage you during this deployment?

“You do not want sacrifices, or I would offer them; You are not pleased with burnt offerings.   My sacrifice is a humble spirit, O God; You will not reject a humble and repentant heart.” — Psalm 51:16-17

We had some old M113 Armored Personnel Carriers when we first went to Bosnia. This was a problem because of the narrow streets and roads. There would be times when the drivers would need to turn around quickly and without leaving the road. Going off the road risked hitting the many mines in the country. The old carriers turned by braking one track while driving the other one. This caused the carrier to pivot around the stationary track, giving it a very wide turning circle. We had to modify these vehicles with what were called “pivot stairs” that allowed you to drive one track forward and the other in reverse at the same time. This allowed the carrier to do a combat U-turn, that is, spin on the spot and pivot on the center of the vehicle. Then, if you ran into an ambush or road block or other trouble, you could do a U-turn in a narrow street or road and get back to safety as fast as possible! This may be a little hard to follow if you’ve never seen an M113, but the key lesson is that in order to be able to successfully do rapid U-turns when you’re in a tight corner, you need to do some preparation.

For much of my life I did what a lot of people do when they do something they know is wrong – I tried to do something else to make up for it. If I messed up I might go to church with less grumbling, help a neighbor, go out of my way to do something nice or pray some more. In a sense I was trying to trade my failure for something else. The Israelites had a process of sacrifice to do just that – they traded the blood of an animal for their own blood in order to make up for what they had done wrong. This is what King David was talking about in Psalm 51:16-17.

David had committed a few extremely serious offenses. First, he saw a beautiful married woman and committed adultery with her. Then when he found out she had become pregnant by him, David tried to bring her husband home from the battlefield and trick him into thinking the baby was his. When the husband eluded David’s cunning plan, David ordered that the husband be put in the worst part of the battle so that he would be killed. This murder would cover up his adultery, he believed. On the human scale of bad things to do, this was a very (10) bad thing to do. What is very interesting, however, is that David later did a very successful U-turn that avoided the full weight of God’s judgment. Given my own flaws and the number of times I mess things up, I have taken a personal interest in how David changed from trying to cover up and actually did a U-turn to repentance.

In the early days of my marriage I found it particularly hard to do a U-turn. I would get myself into trouble, normally by saying something offensive. Then, rather than following David’s example, I would try to present some sacrifices – do some extra house work, say nice things, pretend nothing was wrong, and other similar things. It was as if I thought that if I stabbed someone in the leg I could bandage their arm to help.  What I needed to do, I learned, was to deal with the wrong I had done by humbling myself, saying I was sorry and then asking for forgiveness.

This is what David also experienced. He realized that while it was God who had first told the Israelites to sacrifice animals to cover their sins, He meant for them to do it with a humble and repentant heart. The King James Version of the Bible describes it as “a broken spirit” – that’s about as humble as you get. A sacrifice without humility or true remorse was actually insulting, making the situation much worse. That’s why David went straight to God’s heart and offered his “broken spirit” instead of a burnt offering. This principle works well with people, too.

I think sinful nature (my prideful “flesh”) tells me to either cover up my wrong-doing with other seemingly helpful activities or to hide from it altogether.  This “flesh” tells me that I am not to apologize at all. The problem is that this does not allow me to get out of trouble. Instead, it makes the situation worse. I have learned that it is a much better idea to reject my pride and humbly do as rapid a U-turn as possible.

This is easy to say, but hard to do if we are in the habit of not humbling ourselves before God and before others. So we need to do some preparation. We need to decide ahead of time to choose a broken spirit instead of “sacrifices” and we need to ask the Holy Spirit to help us follow-through on this decision. That’s what David did and I am trying to follow his example. When I get it right, both my marriage and my relationship with God prosper.

I would also like to add some humble advice for the offended person. It is easier to achieve a combat U-turn if you’re not actually getting shot at. I know that if your spouse is the kind of person (like I was) who tries to avoid humble apologies, you might be tempted to exploit any signs of humility by pointing out how much you were wronged. I know that for me, and I’m guessing this is the same for a lot of people, if I’m attacked while trying to apologize, it greatly reduces my desire to make apologies a habit. If you happen to be someone who tends to want to dig the knife in further when someone is trying to be humble, try hugging them instead – it says that you agree with them and love them anyway. And if you’re not saying anything, you can’t say anything that would cause your spouse to regret being humble!

David got it badly wrong, but his broken spirit saved him from total disaster. I hope I remember David’s example whenever I need to do a combat U-turn!

Questions to Share:

1. What trouble have you gotten into that you did not get out of successfully? Why did things get worse?

2. On a scale of 1-10 (1 is offering a broken spirit and 10 is offering anything but a broken spirit) what is your average offering when you do something wrong? What does your spouse think?

3.  If this is a problem area for you, ask the Holy Spirit to help you be humble when you get something wrong. Then offer a broken spirit when the Holy Spirit prompts you to do so. 

“As the scripture says, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one.’” — Ephesians 5:31 

“Never forget these commands that I am giving you today. Teach them to your children. Repeat them when you are at home and when you are away, when you are resting and when you are working.” — Deuteronomy 6:6-7

These two verses give me a summary of my responsibilities as a spouse and parent. On the one hand God wants me to be one with my spouse (see “Tailgating” on Aug 14 for more on that) and on the other hand He wants me to train my children. The thing that strikes me about these two responsibilities is the need for really good communication. I know that from time to time, I need to do a “comms check” to make sure I am giving it enough priority.  

If my wife and I do not work at our communication, instead of “one-ness” we get “two-ness” as we drift into two separate lives. I guess the best military example of this is when we are coordinating the movement of two combat units. Even when our communication between units is good, we make mistakes, people stray into the other unit’s area, commanders yell, and confusion is usually only a few steps away. When communications fail, if we can’t talk to each other because our radios can’t hear each other, then we become paralyzed because it is very dangerous to move if you don’t know where the other unit is and in which direction and how fast they are moving. Clashes can occur! Sounds like marriage sometimes, doesn’t it?

In terms of training our children, obviously if there is no communication no knowledge is able to flow from us to them. How I communicate with them becomes important (words, tone, timing) and I find that the best measure for me comes from how my own father communicated with me when I was a child. I try to copy the effective ways he used and try to avoid the ways he communicated that frustrated me as a child. I’m still working on it, but thinking about how I liked my dad to communicate with me has helped me a lot.

Communicating when we are not together is one of the trickiest things to get right, especially over a long deployment. There is a temptation to excuse ourselves from communicating well when we are deployed because we are doing something very important and we are very busy. But we don’t give up our status as spouse or parent just because we are not home, so if we don’t make every effort while we’re away the readjustment can be much harder when we get back.  

“Great,” you say, “that’s the theory, but how do we actually do this?” Well, to start with we need to make communication with our spouse and children a priority. Next, we should use all the opportunities God and the military provide for us — phone, email, mail, etc. Make it regular (something weekly is a good start, daily is better if you have the means) and if you’re not good on the phone, make notes before you call so you have something to say.   Just letting your family know you are thinking of them regularly can have a huge effect in keeping you all connected.

Here are some other ideas:

1.  Buy diaries for your spouse and children before you deploy and write personal notes on key dates — first day back at school, birthdays, anniversaries, or just random days so they know you are thinking of them.

2.  Make a paper chain with one link for every day you are away and string it around a room in your house. Have your family cut off one link each day so they can see your tour progressing. Add spare days in case you are extended, and write messages on some of the links to encourage them.

3.  If you have a digital camera, take a photo a day (or a week if you can’t do it daily) and email it home. You’ll be surprised how seeing you regularly in your environment will help them feel closer to you, and vice-versa.

4.  Send a small package a week with reminders that you are thinking of them. Short, encouraging, hand-written notes for or from each member of the family does wonders for morale both at home and away. Small gifts such as local handicraft, local currency, patches, flags, pins, anything that helps your family to connect with where you are can help communication. I once sent home to one of my sons a small spoon that came with our ice-cream and it became a treasure because it connected him to me.

5.  And perhaps the best idea is to be sure to pray “together.”  Make sure you ask your spouse how you can pray for them, and then do it—and encourage them by telling them that you have been praying for them.  Also ask your children how you can pray for them (depending on their age, of course). Remember, “The prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.”  (James 5:16)

Those are just a few things I know have helped but I’m sure that others have come up with better and more effective ideas. If you have, please share them in the comments area so that others can read them.

If you haven’t done a comms check lately, maybe now’s the time!

Questions to Share:

1.  How are your communication links at present — what is working and where can you improve?

2.  What deployment communication ideas do you like and what others can you think of (please share them with us)?

3.  Ask the Holy Spirit to prompt you to communicate often and well with your spouse and children.

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”  —2 Timothy 3:16

It all started at a church near Ft. Hood, Texas. We were meeting with the church-sponsored “Heroes” group—Army families who are either experiencing deployment, or redeployment and reintegration. It was a great night, with lots of good food and discussion. I asked the question, “During your last deployment, what would have helped?” A young wife named Tammy looked right at me and said, “An online devotional—that would have helped. . . .one designed for military.” At that moment, when her eyes met mine, Excellent or Praiseworthy was born.

And so it launched on September 11, 2007. We did not plan for it to begin on 9/11—that’s just when all of the necessary pieces came together.  Seems symbolic and appropriate, however, considering the impact that 9/11 has had on all of our lives in this great nation, especially our military families. Today our nation remembers the tremendous sacrifice made by those who died in the face of the enemy named terrorism. We shall never forget such heroism and courage displayed that day and the days since as you defend and protect our country. And with these devotionals we seek to serve you as you so faithfully serve us.

The name for this website came from Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  Those in the military who are assigned the duty of defending our nation and liberating foreign nations have sacrificed much.  We believe our calling in this online devotional is to offer a chance for couples to think on things which are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable in order to keep them spiritually connected and growing during their time of separation. 

In the past year, we have posted 100 devotionals—every Monday night and Thursday night.  The hope has always been that in the interval time between Tuesday and Friday couples will have the opportunity to read and discuss the “questions to share” over email or telephone.  And many, many have. We know the site has been accessed over 7,000 times—from literally all over the world. And we know those 7,000 readers are merely a subset of the total readership.  Many “hits” are not recorded in our analytical data because the location of the internet servers is invisible to us for security reasons.  This large readership has been heartwarming and encouraging. Our goal has been to provide a reading which will give a couple something to read and share, prompting them to communicate at the “heart level” through a scripture, a story, and the “Questions to Share”. If a commitment to marriage is a commitment to communication, then couples who can communicate what they think and feel without becoming defensive or feeling threatened by rejection are couples who can weather a tough situation together. Whether by phone, letter, email, webcam, or instant messaging, a couple needs to be creative and intentional—and willing to share at the heart level—in order to finish the deployment strong.

One reader commented: “One of the challenges my husband and I faced this past year was remaining spiritually connected when separated by miles. Once I came across the ‘Excellent or Praiseworthy’ card the military ministry leader at church had given me and got on the website, we wanted to use the ‘EorP’ devotional as a springboard to spiritual conversations, with both of us reading it prior to our phone calls. My husband and I jumped on that bandwagon late in his deployment, but I would love to equip the families who are facing pending deployments with that tool. It is a very effective ‘spiritual glue’ for separated couples.”

We have had 10 writers join this collaborative effort—providing spiritual lessons from their unique deployment stories.  We are so grateful for these writers, and continue to look for more.  What you will notice beginning this week—as an “anniversary present”—is the addition of “categories.”  Starting this week you will notice that the devotionals are in one of four new categories:  Prayer, Marriage and Family, Lessons from History, and Spiritual Training.  Obviously there is overlap in these, so we encourage you to explore the entire website for helpful devotional material now categorized by topic.

We have observed, met and heard stories about couples who are growing closer together in their marriage relationship during deployment.  Some of these stories form the basis of EorP devotionals.  We have also observed, met and heard stories of individuals who are growing closer to the Lord during deployment—and we believe that the two are linked.  Growing closer to the Lord will result in a closer marital bond—as God is the source of all oneness in marriage.  And the legacy for the family of a couple that is intentional about their spiritual development—even in the face of the difficulties and challenges of deployment during war time—will impact generations to come for the Lord.  After all, He is the one that holds couples together.  He is the One whom we serve, the One whom we love, the One whom we follow. . . .and our desire is to be like Him. Thank you for your devotion to our Lord and Savior, and may God richly bless you as you serve our country!

“I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.”  — Ephesians 3:16-21

Questions to Share:

1.      In what ways do we, as a couple, desire to grow closer to each other during this deployment?

2.      In what ways do I, as an individual, desire to grow closer to the Lord during this deployment?

3.      How are these two desires connected?

For thousands of years, this psalm has been an inspiration, comfort, and promise for warriors in harm’s way. It is amazing to read the ancient descriptions of warfare described by the psalmist, and compare it to what we see in the global war on terror today. Insurgency, snipers, suicide bombers, IEDs, environmental terrorism—they seem to fit into the words “fowler’s snare”, “deadly pestilence”, “terror of night”, “arrow that flies by day”, “pestilence that stalks in the darkness”, “plague that destroys at midday.” What does God have to say in Psalm 91 that can calm our fears and help us to face the challenges?

Verse one begins with a great truth written in the third person. . . that he who dwells, or abides, in the shelter that God provides will be resting in His shadow. The psalmist then makes this personal and speaks in the first person. . . stating clearly that God is his refuge, his fortress, his God whom he trusts. This is a magnificent testimony! Was this David writing to his son, Solomon? Some have suggested this—but we do not know. Certainly a warrior like David would have much to share about the faithfulness of God in battle—things that he might want to pass on to others as means of encouragement and wisdom.

The description of God’s shelter in verse four is the image of God’s wings which surround, cover, protect. . . with His faithfulness as a shield. Within that bunker of strength the reader will be separated from the devastation around him. Is this physical protection or spiritual protection? We need both—not just in our physical battles but also in the realm of spiritual battles.

Verse nine begins with another great truth. . . that he who makes God his dwelling will be protected and guarded. The statement of verse one now becomes the challenge of verse nine with the word “if.” That is always the challenge. . .and the choice. Will we choose to dwell (abide) in the dwelling place of God?

If the reader chooses to allow God to be his shelter, as the psalmist proclaims that he has done, then the LORD speaks the greatest truth of all in verses 14-16. He tenderly, yet powerfully proclaims that those who love Him, who name His name. . . He will rescue. Our cries for help, in the form of prayer, He will answer and His protection is sure even in the midst of battle.

And how does the LORD provide and protect? With His presence, His peace. We can trust His faithfulness knowing that He loves us, has a plan for our lives, and desires for us to live eternally with Him. It is fitting that the psalmist ends this beautiful poem with the great truth, “and show him my salvation.” Do you know his salvation? His salvation was provided by the ultimate warrior, Jesus Christ. In the past, two thousand years ago, He faced the all-time champion of evil at Calvary and shed His blood in death on the cross for our victory. In the present we continue in battle with the enemy, but have His armor with which to stand and fight. And in the future day He will return, fight the last battle, and reign victorious over all the earth.

How can we, in this modern age, personalize Psalm 91, this “warrior’s psalm”? In any verse where you see the word “you”, insert “me” or “I”. For example: “If (I) make the Most High (my) dwelling—even the LORD, who is my (the psalmist’s) refuge—then no harm will befall (me), no disaster will come near (my) tent. For He will command His angels concerning (me) to guard (me) in all (my) ways.” vs. 9-11

And for the loved ones at home, on the home front. . . how can you personalize this psalm in order to pray for your dear one deployed in harm’s way? Put his or her name where you read “you” or “your”. For example: “Surely He will save (name) from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover (name) with His feathers, and under His wings (name) will find refuge; His faithfulness will be (name’s) shield and rampart.” vs. 3-4

We invite you to take Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, and to personalize John 3:16 in declaration that you have believed and trusted in God and His Son, Jesus Christ, “For God so loved (me), that He gave His only Son, that if (I) believe in Him, (I) will never perish but have eternal life.” It is then that you have made the decision to not only dwell in the shelter of the LORD, but to make Him your dwelling place, for all of eternity.

Questions to Share:

1. In what ways does Psalm 91 give confidence to today’s soldier, sailor, airman, marine, and coastguardsman?

2. In what ways does the promise of eternal life with Jesus provide the ultimate peace and protection?

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”  —Hebrews 13:4

Have you ever heard the phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” and wondered if that was really true during deployment?  Let me tell you what I have learned about the origin of that phrase and its meaning from www.phrases.org.  According to the website, it originated with the Roman poet Sextus Propertius in Elegies with “Always toward absent lovers love’s tide stronger flows.”  Then the current version appears as the title of an anonymous English poem in 1602.  Additionally, in the 19^th century it is quoted in Thomas H. Bayly’s song Isle of Beauty. So it’s been around a long time and means that “the lack of something increases the desire for it.”  Does that phrase win out over the other phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind”, also centuries old?  The truth is, keeping a marriage growing during the separation of military duty takes work.

The flip side would be “Absence makes the heart go wander.”  A spouse can be deceived into thinking that there is no harm in developing casual relationships with members of the opposite sex while deployed.  Here are some examples of those situations where “red flags” need to be observed as warnings:

“Emailing an old girl friend from high school doesn’t hurt anything. After all, she might be interested to know that I’m fighting in the desert.”  WARNING! Connecting over the internet with someone other than your spouse might start innocently enough, but can lead to serious feelings and dangerous problems.

“You’re going to be gone a long time.  I need someone close to pay attention to me and help out!”  WARNING! Call on a friend of the same gender, or group in your church or community to listen and to help.  Prepare before the deployment by building safe relationships which will provide support when your spouse is gone.

“We’re just going to have dinner together.  She wants to talk to me about how her husband doesn’t understand her, and I might be able to share with her about my faith and why our marriage is so good.”  WARNING! No!  If “she” needs to share about her troubles, she needs to go to a chaplain or a girl friend, not to someone else’s husband.  The opposite could also be true, of course, in a man seeking marital “advice” from a woman.  That is also dangerous territory. 

These are just a few—we all know that there are more ways to “slide” into immorality.  The Bible has strict warnings about the consequences of marital infidelity:

“But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.”  —Proverbs 6:32

“It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable . . .”  —1 Thessalonians 4:3-4

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” —Ephesians 5:3

“Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.”—1 Corinthians 6:18-20

And Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  —Matthew 5:27-28

I would like to suggest a third version of the phrase. . .one which I have seen demonstrated in the lives of many who are fighting hard to keep their marriages healthy during the challenges of deployment:  “Absence makes the heart grow stronger.”  Years ago there was a song performed by the couple, Captain and Tennille (am I showing my age??) called “Love, Love will keep us together.”  It was a sweet song, but the truth is that sometimes you don’t feel like you love your spouse—or he/she is many miles away.  What will keep you together then?  The truth is that “Commitment will keep us together.”  A couple who is totally committed to staying together through the thick and thin, through the joys and the sorrows, through the ups and the downs. . . that couple will be intentional about guarding their marriage from the enemies which will seek to destroy (yes, destroy) it. 

How can you “guard” a marriage, in order to provide the strength to finish the deployment with your relationship intact?  Here are some thoughts:

1. Set up an accountability partner (of the same gender) who will be able to ask you the tough questions about your thought-life, reading material, use of the internet, conversations with others, use of leisure time; 
2. maintain a close relationship with God, including daily time in prayer and in scripture;
3. spend as much time as you can staying connected with your spouse through letters, email, webcam, telephone—and take the time to be creative with special gifts or ways by which they will know that you love and care for them;
4. don’t flirt, share intimate secrets about your spouse, or seek a friendship outside of your marital relationship with someone of the opposite sex.  Show discernment!

These are just a few of the ways that you can be wise.  A good marriage is a precious gift, and will serve to strengthen your family for generations to come.  It is worth fighting for, and even when you are absent—it can grow stronger. 

“Some Pharisees came to Him to test Him. They asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?’ ‘Haven’t you read,’ He replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  So they are no longer two, but one.  Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” —Matthew 19:3-6

Questions to Share:

1.      In what ways do you believe that “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

2.      How can you demonstrate commitment to your spouse so that the last phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow stronger” can be true of your marriage?

“Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, ‘If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.’”  — Mark 9:35

“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.”  —1 Corinthians 1:27-29

“For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it.”  — Matthew 16:25

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.”  — James 4:10

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  — 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I find the paradoxes of the Christian faith to be fascinating to study—and to experience!  The upside-down logic, or counter-intuitive thinking, or truth that is somehow self-contradictory causes me to pause and ponder.  Knowing the great truth that “What is impossible with men is possible with God” (Luke 18:27) allows me to grasp, as best I can, the huge paradox of the perfect, sinless Son of God dying on the cross for my guilt and shame.  Nancy Guthrie writes in The One Year Book of Hope:  “The Cross is the grand paradox that provides the foundation for the unsettling paradoxes of the gospel—Jesus’ teachings that we must be poor if we want to be rich, mourn if we want to be happy, give everything away if we want to be rich, die so we can live.  Only in the shadow of the Cross do these paradoxes begin to make sense to us.”  (p. 250)

Probably my favorite prayer, using the paradoxes that were so well-understoo