A Morning I Did Not Want to Happen . . .

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” —Psalm 34:18

I’ll never forget that day. It was a cold, gray, cloudy morning when we arose and had breakfast with the boys. Then my husband took them to the school bus stop before he returned to gather his luggage. The time was fast approaching when he would hold me in his arms one last moment before my brother knocked on the door to take him to the airport on his way to a year-long deployment in Southeast Asia.

As he gave me one long hug and kiss, tears were flowing down my cheeks as if a dam had broken loose inside of me. I wouldn’t let him go, but the moment finally arrived when we had to open the door for him to leave—and with one more goodbye wave I closed the door to what I felt was my death. The emotions poured out of my heart and I fully believed that I was going to physically die at that very moment.

How long I stood there, I do not know. But death did not come, and so my life moved on to the next morning and the next morning and the next. It would have been so easy to stop at that moment in time and never move on—so easy. But I soon found myself involved in activities—room-mother at school for the boys, teaching at the local junior college, enjoying my sons, standing strong for them, getting the first recorded cassette from Dad, hearing his voice, and throwing myself into activities to make the time pass by quickly. I was also getting involved with a local church where I found my support unit.

After many mornings of tears flowing, God began to work in me. Little-by-little he began peeling away the layers of tears, fears, and self-centeredness. I began to experience and “see” with new eyes where God was faithful to me in the midst of my circumstances.

From that first morning on my life began the long journey through the next 365 mornings. Each one drew me closer to my God, until the day finally arrived and my husband returned home. I had changed, and it was for the better as I had grown in the understanding of God’s faithfulness.

Midway in the deployment I encountered another morning that I did not want to happen—let me tell you about it. I had a routine doctor’s appointment which concluded with the news from the doctor that I had a lump in my breast. For the next few days more tears flowed as I agonized over this news and waited for the phone call to set up my next appointment.

The night before that appointment with the surgeon I could not sleep. The tears flowed and fears came rushing in as I kept asking myself: “Is it cancer?”, “What if I die before my husband comes home from deployment?”, “Who will take care of my boys?” and on and on.

I struggled into the night with more tears, more fears, and no sleep. Finally at 3:00 in the morning, alone and crying so hard I thought (once again) that I would die – I cried out to Jesus, “I give up – I can’t go on – I need you” and that was what He was waiting for all along. I got out of my bed and on my knees and began to pray. A peace came over me that was unreal. My tears stopped, my fears subsided and I was ready to receive whatever the Lord had for me.

This scripture rang in my ears:

“… be content… because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. … The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6)

Had my husband been there I would have sought my solace in his arms—no doubt. But through what I experienced I found my Savior was my sufficiency and He would carry me through this year of “mornings that I did not want to happen.”

Since my husband’s return from Vietnam many years ago, a scripture that I have memorized has been my supernatural peace time and time again:

“Rejoice in the Lord always; I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:4-7)

And guard it He has.

There was “a morning I DID want to happen”…that was when my husband got off the airplane and held me once again in his arms and the tears flowed again. This time they were tears of JOY, and, by the way, the lump was benign.

Questions to share

1. Can you name a time when God has been faithful to you?

2. Do you look to your spouse to meet your needs for comfort and strength, or to God?