A Little Respect

“Love one another warmly as Christians, and be eager to show respect for one another”. — Romans 12:10

Aretha Franklin sang that all she wanted was a little respect – she was onto something important. Respect is an important part of our well-being. It is a powerful motivator and powerful glue that makes us feel part of a community. When people respect me I want to do even better to maintain that respect and I want to hang out with those people. Why would I want to hang out with people who don’t have any respect for me?

We know a lot about respect in the military. We give each other honor out of respect for things military personnel do, rank that is held, and courage and leadership we see displayed. We wear medals that our superiors bestow on us to honor our contribution. We know about honor and respect and we like it when we get it. Why then is it sometimes so hard for us to apply this knowledge at home?

In Paul’s letter to the Romans he (through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit) instructs all followers of Christ to love each other warmly and not just to show respect, but to ‘be eager’ to show respect for each other. This is an important instruction and to fail to carry it out, as all of us have done at some time, is disobedience. I have to confess that I struggle with this daily because my natural instinct is to elevate myself at the expense of others. God calls me to do the opposite and I have to work hard every day to show ‘respect for one another’.

I have noticed that the less time I spend with someone, the easier it is for me to give honor. It’s easy for me to say a kind word to someone whom I don’t know well—perhaps only in passing. The more time I spend with someone, the harder it is for me to consistently show respect and give honor. This is partly because showing respect takes effort and partly because the longer I spend with someone, the more flaws I see and therefore my instinct to criticize has more fuel. The person I spend the most time with and have to work hardest at honoring is my wife. We often forget that ‘one another’ includes our spouses.

This issue of respect and honor is so important in marriage that we get even more specific instructions on it for husbands and wives. In 1 Peter 3:7 God says to husbands, “In the same way you husbands must live with your wives with the proper understanding that they are more delicate than you. Treat them with respect, because they also will receive, together with you, God’s gift of life. Do this so that nothing will interfere with your prayers.” The King James version says that we husbands should give honor to our wives “as unto the weaker vessel”. Husbands should note that this weakness refers to the vessel. My wife is often stronger than me and her character is tough, it’s just her vessel that is weaker and I think God designed her that way to force me to think more about how I treat her. I need to honor her. The cool thing is that at the times I am properly honoring her, I will see my prayers working.

If our prayers are not working, maybe we should check that we are honoring our wives in thought, word and deed. We need to think complimentary thoughts about her and honor her by not thinking immoral thoughts about other women. We need to compliment her in word, both privately and publicly. Whether she is listening or not – God is listening. We need to honor her in our deeds, keeping ourselves pure for her and helping her in ways that show that we honor her hard work in keeping us fed and cared for. Some of us may need to do a Google search to find out what a vacuum cleaner is!

These days there is a growing problem among men that needs a special mention because of how it dishonors our wives. We all know that adultery is the worst form of disrespect that men or women can express to their spouses – it is the ultimate in rejection. However, there is a gangrene that lies on the path to adultery that has crept into society through various media (primarily the Internet) that predominantly targets men – pornography. Some men will argue that as long as you ‘look, but not touch’, pornography is harmless, but they are wrong. Inappropriately looking at any woman we are not married to dishonors our wives. It is like saying that she is not enough for us. It does not show respect for the feelings of disgust and fear she would have if she knew. It robs her of the intimacy that we should be protecting in our marriages. If you are feeling isolated and dissatisfied with the level of intimacy in your marriage and you are dabbling in pornography, that rot you can smell in the relationship is coming from you. Like gangrene, you need to brutally carve it out of your life to start to restore the health of your marriage relationship. If you are an addict, as many men are, you need to do something drastic like confessing your problem to someone who can help you and keep you accountable, or as painful as it may be, confessing to your wife. The pain will be worth the restoration. Whatever you decide to do and at whatever level of ill-discipline you may have sunk to in this area, you will need to confess your sin and weakness to God and ask the Holy Spirit for the strength to keep your eyes only for your wife. God wants to help you because He wants you to honor the wife that He has given you.

Our wives are also challenged to respect us. Ephesians 5:33 says, “…every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband.” In this passage, we are told to meet each other’s greatest need. Husbands can honor their wives most by providing such love to her than she will always feel secure in her marriage, never fearing rejection. Wives are told to respect their husbands to meet a husband’s greatest need, which is to feel useful, needed and successful. In spite of what popular culture says, a man’s self-esteem is every bit as necessary as a woman’s. Our need for self-esteem is powerful because it drives us to achieve so that we can feel respect. Wives, you have the power to focus your husband’s achievements on home by respecting him at home. You can make the home where he is most respected and therefore where he most wants to be. As a needy husband, I can tell you that when my wife compliments me and encourages me, I want to be a better husband for her.

This idea of honoring and respecting each other is critical to the health of our marriages. If things are not going well, chances are we are failing in this area. There are additional challenges for us in the military as we can be away from our spouses for long periods of time. We need to continue to honor our spouses regardless of the distance we are apart. We need to remind ourselves regularly of our responsibility through simple things such as photos in our wallets and on our desks; symbols of our commitment to each other such as wedding rings (or a pendant or pin if you don’t wear a ring for safety reasons); and most importantly, regular communication by phone, mail and email.

Be eager to show respect for one another. If it is a new thing for you, don’t be surprised if the first response you get is shock. Persevere and you will soon find that your effort will produce great rewards!

Questions to share:

1. In what areas do you respect and honor your spouse already?

2. What habits do you have (in thought, word or action) that do not honor your spouse? As a starting point, think about things that you do which affect your spouse that you would be offended by if you knew that they were thinking/saying/doing them towards you. If you are brave, you may want to ask them where you fail!

3. Comparing these lists will tell you how much work you have to do. Confess areas of dishonoring to God and ask the Holy Spirit for help in fixing them.