Comms Check

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“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one.’” — Ephesians 5:31

Never forget these commands that I am giving you today. Teach them to your children. Repeat them when you are at home and when you are away, when you are resting and when you are working. — Deuteronomy 6:6-7

These two verses give me a summary of my responsibilities as a spouse and parent. On the one hand God wants me to be one with my spouse (see “Tailgating” on Aug 14 for more on that) and on the other hand He wants me to train my children. The thing that strikes me about these two responsibilities is the need for really good communication. I know that from time to time, I need to do a “comms check” to make sure I am giving it enough priority.

If my wife and I do not work at our communication, instead of “one-ness” we get “two-ness” as we drift into two separate lives. I guess the best military example of this is when we are coordinating the movement of two combat units. Even when our communication between units is good, we make mistakes, people stray into the other unit’s area, commanders yell, and confusion is usually only a few steps away. When communications fail, if we can’t talk to each other because our radios can’t hear each other, then we become paralyzed because it is very dangerous to move if you don’t know where the other unit is and in which direction and how fast they are moving. Clashes can occur! Sounds like marriage sometimes, doesn’t it?

In terms of training our children, obviously if there is no communication no knowledge is able to flow from us to them. How I communicate with them becomes important (words, tone, timing) and I find that the best measure for me comes from how my own father communicated with me when I was a child. I try to copy the effective ways he used and try to avoid the ways he communicated that frustrated me as a child. I’m still working on it, but thinking about how I liked my dad to communicate with me has helped me a lot.

Communicating when we are not together is one of the trickiest things to get right, especially over a long deployment. There is a temptation to excuse ourselves from communicating well when we are deployed because we are doing something very important and we are very busy. But we don’t give up our status as spouse or parent just because we are not home, so if we don’t make every effort while we’re away the readjustment can be much harder when we get back.

“Great,” you say, “that’s the theory, but how do we actually do this?” Well, to start with we need to make communication with our spouse and children a priority. Next, we should use all the opportunities God and the military provide for us — phone, email, mail, etc. Make it regular (something weekly is a good start, daily is better if you have the means) and if you’re not good on the phone, make notes before you call so you have something to say.   Just letting your family know you are thinking of them regularly can have a huge effect in keeping you all connected.

Here are some other ideas:

1.  Buy diaries for your spouse and children before you deploy and write personal notes on key dates — first day back at school, birthdays, anniversaries, or just random days so they know you are thinking of them.

2.  Make a paper chain with one link for every day you are away and string it around a room in your house. Have your family cut off one link each day so they can see your tour progressing. Add spare days in case you are extended, and write messages on some of the links to encourage them.

3.  If you have a digital camera, take a photo a day (or a week if you can’t do it daily) and email it home. You’ll be surprised how seeing you regularly in your environment will help them feel closer to you, and vice-versa.

4.  Send a small package a week with reminders that you are thinking of them. Short, encouraging, hand-written notes for or from each member of the family does wonders for morale both at home and away. Small gifts such as local handicraft, local currency, patches, flags, pins, anything that helps your family to connect with where you are can help communication. I once sent home to one of my sons a small spoon that came with our ice-cream and it became a treasure because it connected him to me.

5. And perhaps the best idea is to be sure to pray “together.” Make sure you ask your spouse how you can pray for them, and then do it—and encourage them by telling them that you have been praying for them. Also ask your children how you can pray for them (depending on their age, of course). Remember, “The prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” (James 5:16)

Those are just a few things I know have helped but I’m sure that others have come up with better and more effective ideas. If you have, please share them in the comments area so that others can read them.

If you haven’t done a comms check lately, maybe now’s the time!

Questions to Share:

1.  How are your communication links at present — what is working and where can you improve?

2.  What deployment communication ideas do you like and what others can you think of (please share them with us)?

3.  Ask the Holy Spirit to prompt you to communicate often and well with your spouse and children.