The Ideal Command Group (Part I)

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Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband has authority over his wife just as Christ has authority over the church… Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave His life for it. — Ephesians 5:22,23,25

This can be a really hard passage for some in this modern age where society tells us that men and women should be exactly the same in their roles in marriage. Equal right to make final decisions and equal right to lead. It even sounds right when you are bombarded day and night from the media, your friends, and in some cases even your church. Unfortunately for those who are following Jesus and living in the world, the Bible has taken a very different stance on roles in marriage, clearly stating that the husband is responsible to lead, and the wife to support. If we think about this carefully, however, we may find that the Military has a similar philosophy, recognizing that the Bible is onto something…

The thing is that God made us. He made men to be men and He made women to be women. Anyone with an ounce of integrity will recognize that men and women are different. Not just physically different, but different in how we think and react and act. You might then suspect that God made us different for a reason, and that reason is most likely because He wants us to do different things. In this case in a marriage, God wants men to lovingly lead and women to support (a more modern and softer way of saying ‘submit’, which is often mistakenly confused with ‘subjugate’—something that wives are not asked to do).

Let’s think about the military then. In my experience, the units that worked best had the best command groups. A good command group would have a good commander, but a truly great command group would have both a good commander and a good 2^nd in command (2IC). These different roles worked together to provide outstanding direction to a unit. The commander led, with the welfare of their troops in mind, while the 2IC supported, doing all they could to execute the vision of the commander. Imagine if the 2IC decided that every decision was negotiable and they should have equal command authority. A unit which has that kind of command group where no one is truly leading or supporting almost always struggles to complete its task or properly look after its troops.

It is important to note, too, that neither the commander nor the 2IC is more important than the other. Both are of equal value and one without the other is less than half as effective as when both work well together. It is unfortunate that our society places a value on where you fit in a hierarchy when the truth is that everyone doing their job well makes everyone equally important, no matter where you fit. We even talk about being at the top or the bottom, suggesting that the top is more prestigious. This is simply not true. The key difference is not in fact value, but how much God holds you to account. So if you are the leader, you’d better do a good job!

One difference between marriage and a military command group is that in the military we can move people around. You can be the 2IC on one assignment and the commander on the next. God doesn’t give us this option – He has designed us to lead and support by gender in a marriage . . . . so husbands need to lead, and wives need to support—that is if we want our marriages and families to function at their optimum level.  And leadership is servant leadership—how Jesus led, willing to give His life.

Now you can run your marriage any way you want – I’m not telling you what to do! Men, you have the free will to be passive and sit back and let your wife carry the load with no direction or input from you. And wives, you can choose to make all the decisions and keep your husband subdued. But my observation is that neither of these models lead to contented marriages and family. I’m just saying that if God has designed things so husbands are supposed to lead (underpinned with lots of love) and wives support (God designed who knows us cell by cell), then maybe He knows best and maybe His model for marriage is the one to go with… do you think? It’s at least worth a try if what you’ve got now is not all that satisfying.

This marriage thing makes me think about manufacturer’s instructions. I remember a Navy friend of mine telling me that he was having trouble with his video recorder one day, only to find his daughter had put a piece of toast into the video slot. My guess is that that wasn’t the manufacturers intended use for the player and as a result, things got a little fuzzy. I also once mistook a gasoline pump for a diesel pump and filled my diesel SUV up with gasoline. The funny thing was that I got it home and it started the next day, but it was running really rough, as you would expect. I’d failed to follow the manufacturer’s instructions and as a result I didn’t get the performance out of the SUV that I wanted. That’s how marriage is – we ignore the manufacturer’s instructions at our peril!

I know some of you will want to ignore this because it’s perceived as ‘archaic’ thinking, but seeing as God has been around forever, I’m happy with seeing things His way. I only ask that if things are not as satisfying or smooth in your marriage as you would want, consider that maybe you need to restructure your command group and just see how God’s design might work with God’s love at the core. Begin in prayer—asking God to guide you to submit to His leadership. He is our ultimate leader. Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 are places to begin in understanding God’s blueprint for marriage.  We can then learn more in studying Scripture as we understand the very character of God and His Son, Jesus Christ, and how that relates to our human relationships.   

Now some of you will ask–“so what happens when we are apart for long periods of time – how does one lead and one support then?” Good question, there is a Part II to this that will hopefully help answer that…

Questions to share:

1. What kind of model does your marriage follow?

2. What do you think you could do to create a marriage model that is closer to God’s?

3. How much do you want to have a marriage that works smoothly and effectively – would you change your own view on who does what in your marriage?

4. If you are following God’s model of marriage already, please pray for those who struggle with it. If you are struggling, ask God to help you first understand why His model works so well and then ask Him to help both of you to fulfill your roles well.