The Ideal Command Group (Part II)

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Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband has authority over his wife just as Christ has authority over the church… Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave His life for it. —  Ephesians 5:22,23,25

How does this leader/supporter dynamic (Part 1) work when one of you is deployed or away at training or on an exercise? I don’t think God offers us an exception when we are apart. For example, I was still responsible to lead when I was in Afghanistan and my wife was still responsible to support. How that looked on the ground was definitely different than when we were together—but like in the military, absence does not mean abdication.

If a Commander leaves the Headquarters for a period of time, he (or she) is still the Commander. He will make preparations and plan to adjust tasking so that everything still gets done. He gives the 2^nd In Command (2IC) more command responsibility so that when things happen, the 2IC is resourced and empowered to act appropriately. The 2IC will, however, endeavor to carry out the Commander’s intent, ensuring that the unit stays faithfully on mission. When the Commander returns there is always some adjustment, but a good commander will always affirm the 2IC in his decisions, recognizing the difficulty of running the unit solo for the time he was away.

The British Navy demonstrated this principle responsibility in spite of separation a few years ago when a young officer ran a ship onto a reef off the coast of Australia. At the time of the accident, the captain of the ship was on the other side of the world in the United Kingdom, yet he was relieved of his command for allowing his ship to run aground. On a TV interview, the captain took full responsibility for the accident, recognizing that he had not fully prepared and trained his officers, which resulted in the accident. The British Navy did not expect any less leadership responsibility from the captain just because he was absent . . . . and I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where God lowers His expectations of us fulfilling the roles He designed for us in marriage, even when we are apart.

Obviously marriage is not the military, nor should it be run exactly like it (please no!), but there are some helpful lessons here. The Bible says husbands are to lead their families, and there is no indication that separation removes this responsibility from us. To lead from afar means that husbands must prepare their wife and family ahead of time for geographic separation. Sometimes a long way ahead!

If the husband is the one who deploys (as I did), his goal should be to inspire his wife (not just tell her) to maintain the direction and uphold the principles that are good for the family. This means that at some time we need to talk as a couple and agree to a direction and principles so that we are both on the same page. I heard of a deployed husband who spent all his pay and allowances by ordering a new car online, while his wife also spent all their money on a swimming pool while he was away – their financial principles were clearly not communicated or agreed to!

As husbands, we then need to make sure that our wives are provided for while we are away – enough money, legal power to deal with issues that may arise, support from friends and family, a sound house and reliable vehicle in place. Essentially we need to reduce the number of things she may have to deal with or be concerned about to an absolute minimum.

We need to maintain regular communication and be ready to offer encouraging (as against critical) advice as often as we can from wherever we are.

We need to train our children to respect, honor and obey their mother. Our wives do not need the additional problems of wayward children while trying to juggle everything else. Husbands, if you do not treat your wife with respect in both word and deed, then expect your children to follow suit when you are away. Love your wife as Christ loved the church, and your children will tend to follow your leadership by caring for and respecting their mother, even when you are not there. You can also reinforce this by encouraging your children to support their mother when you regularly communicate with them.

When we return, we need to recognize the strain she has been under doing both of our jobs. This point is extremely important because if we come home and criticize her handling of the family rather than recognize what she has achieved in very difficult circumstances, she will have very little motivation to support our next deployment.

For our wives at home, supporting us would mean trying as much as possible to maintain the agreed vision for the family, letting us know what is going on so we are better prepared for our return.  And the biggest demonstration of support for me is communicating with me and encouraging my children to also communicate (which definitely includes praying for each other, and asking how we can pray for each other). Nothing says support like faithful prayers and getting regular letters, emails or phone calls from home!

What happens, then, when it is the wife who deploys and her husband stays behind? This is the perfect opportunity for each to understand more clearly how to appreciate the other in their roles.  Holding down the fort while his wife deploys should dispel any doubts about how important his wife is—and continue to develop in him a sense of awe about how amazing she is.

A deployed wife can support her husband by patiently advising and encouraging him even though he is unlikely to run things as smoothly as she does. On her return, I would offer the same advice I did for returning husbands – focus on the positive rather than what you would have done differently. Most husbands are pretty delicate where it comes to feeling respected and if they feel that they are incapable of keeping the family afloat while their wives are away, they will be reticent to cover both jobs again.

It would be easy to talk yourself into thinking that the marriage dynamic and responsibilities change when we are apart, but the truth is they don’t. We need to plan ahead to be sure our respective leadership and support responsibilities are met even during absences, just as God has designed. If we do this, we will take a lot of the pain out of our separation and ease the reunion process, just as God intended.

Questions to share:

1. What kind of model does your marriage follow when you are apart?

2. I know some military personnel who think that they are no longer accountable as a husband or wife when they are deployed – do you agree with this? What would the impact be on a marriage if one of you thinks they are no longer responsible to be a husband or a wife just because they are apart?

3. What can you do now to prepare to fulfill your respective roles, even during times of separation? It’s not always easy, so ask God to help you with the preparation.