Tough Teaching for Parents

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“ . . . . but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” — Romans 5:4

What would happen if we viewed deployment as an opportunity for character-building in our military children?

Think about it. When the Olympics are on TV and stories are told of the strong athletes competing, I am always amazed by how many of them came from a background of physical or emotional struggles—either a childhood illness, injury, or some other challenge which allowed them to rise to a new level of perseverance. The challenge brought character.

I see that same phenomenon in “military brats” who go on to become active duty members themselves . . . . or “MKs”, missionary kids, who decide to follow the calling to become missionaries like their parents. In both of these cases the military brats or MKs know the sacrifices which will be made by their own children. After all, they experienced those sacrifices themselves and they have now decided that the purpose was worth what might be viewed as a huge loss of the innocence and “normal” lifestyle of children.

I am going to share what two influential theologians have to say about this topic of parenting under tough circumstances. One is Chip Ingram, president of Living on the Edge Ministries and author of eleven books, including Effective Parenting in a Defective World. Toward the end of his book, Ingram chooses what he calls “five smooth stones” (referring to the five stones young David picked to slay Goliath) for parenting—in order to help your children slay the giants in their lives.

Surprisingly enough, Ingram’s first “smooth stone” is “Teach Them to Suffer Well.” (pages 139-145)  He begins with “Life Myth: Suffering is to be avoided at all costs. Life Message: Suffering is normal.” He then continues:

“Most children growing up in developed countries have gotten the message that suffering is abnormal. When anything goes wrong in their lives, they feel deprived. We’ve unwittingly created a culture of entitlement. When a crisis comes along, many children want to know who’s at fault and why they’re getting a raw deal.

Give your children a coherent ‘theology of suffering.’ Make sure they grasp the reality of life in a fallen world. They need to know two basic, inalterable facts: (1) Life is hard, but God is good; and (2) Life is unjust, but God is sovereign.” (p. 139)

Later Ingram writes:

“Your ultimate goal in the area of suffering is for your children to follow the example of Jesus. . . . God will take the unfair, unjust, painful, evil circumstances of your children’s lives and mix them with His goodness and sovereignty. Your children need to know that they will suffer—Jesus even guaranteed it (John 16:33)—but that God is good and He is ultimately in control. Whatever injustice they face, God will vindicate them eventually. Whatever hardship they go through, God can bring fruitfulness and blessing out of it. They can face anything in life if you’ve taught them those principles from an early age.” (p. 141)

Ingram recommends three steps to accomplish this: “First, ask them about their concerns and give them the freedom to answer honestly. . . . The second step is to find out where they’re suffering. . . . The third step is to align their suffering with Scripture and begin shaping your children’s worldview through biblical lenses.” Obviously there are age considerations in these steps, but I hope you get the point. (pgs. 142, 143)

The other writer is Gary Haugen, the president of International Justice Mission and author of Just Courage. In a section near the end of his book, Haugen shares:

“Jesus asks parents to make yet another choice. Are we raising our children to be safe or to be brave? Are we raising our children to be smart or to be loving? Are we raising them to be successful or to be significant? How does God raise his children? In his book The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis made an observation that is worth lingering over. ‘Love,” Lewis wrote, ‘is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness . . . . Kindness merely as such cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering.’” (p. 123)

Later, Haugen writes:

“I believe there comes a time when our children rightly ask, ‘Mom and Dad, why are you giving me all this stuff?’

After we have poured into our children all the good food and shelter and clothing, after we have provided them with great education, discipline, structure and love, after we have worked so hard to provide every good thing, they turn to us and ask, ‘Why have you given all this to me?’

And the honest answer from me is , ‘So you’ll be safe.’

And my kid looks up at me and says, ‘Really? That’s it? You want me to be safe? Your grand ambition for me is that nothing bad happens?’

And I think something inside them dies. They either go away to perish in safety, or they go away looking for adventure in the wrong places. Jesus, on the other hand, affirms their sense of adventure and their yearning for larger glory. In fact, he is encouraging us to affirm the calling of our children and to raise them to be brave, to be loving and to be significant. But honestly, sometimes I just want my kids to be safe. And I think they smell my fear, and it builds little prisons that can last a lifetime.

According to Jesus, it doesn’t have to be that way. He gives me a role in helping my kids choose to be brave, to be loving and to be significant. In the end, this is the stuff that will change the world.” (pgs. 124,125).

How counter-cultural would it be to have children who look at their circumstances of deployment and understand that God has a purpose specifically designed for them through this experience?  He has something to teach them of His character—something that will set them apart from the rest of the world, something that will defeat bitterness and resentment.

This approach to parenting during deployment will take a step of faith, away from fear—but your acknowledgment of bravery during separation and loneliness, love for other people in the world who do not know the freedom which we know, and significance in serving together for a noble cause—will yield a legacy of faithfulness and God’s grace. Tough teaching, but something to consider. It’s God’s way to bring hope to a fallen world.

Work cited:

Haugen, Gary, Just Courage (Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2008).

Ingram, Chip, Effective Parenting in a Defective World (Carol Stream: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2006).

Questions to Share:

1. What did you learn from some challenges you faced during your childhood?

2. What character traits would you like your children to learn from this deployment?