Words Count

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“Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your spirit.’’ –  Proverbs 15:4

I grew up in a home where we watched our language, and using a swear word would earn us some soap rubbed on our tongue. . . then I joined the Army. I wasn’t offended at first, mainly because I had never heard those words before and didn’t know what most of them meant! I know now that they were intended to toughen us up. . . and it’s true that we can’t afford to stand around tut-tutting the enemy if they say mean things to us on the battlefield. I can’t help, however, noticing that it is not so good when we take some of that toughening-up home with us.

There is so much power in words: the power to hurt or heal, to calm down or wind up, to encourage or discourage, to build or destroy. Or as King Solomon said–the power to bring life or to crush someone. This is never more evident than in our marriages and with our children. Have you ever seen your spouse’s face drop at some poorly-conceived comment or criticism? Ever seen your child turn away sadly because you made fun of them when they were seeking your approval? I have, and I wish I could take those words back.

Here’s the strange thing about it – I am most comfortable with my family, and so they are the easiest people to let my guard down around and relax the control I exert on my tongue. Yet they are the ones I can hurt the most. They know that I know them the best. I know my wife better than her parents know her, and she knows me better than my parents know me. We see each other really close up – all the bumps, bruises, scars, pimples, long nose-hairs. And we see each others’ character flaws up close, too. I am the person who can most hurt my wife because I am the one who knows her the best. . . and therefore my criticism carries the most weight. My children are the same, at least until they have spouses who will know them better. That means that I should be most careful with my words when I talk to my family than with anyone else. We often do the opposite.

As a member of the military I have realized that I need to be more careful than most with my words. I am vulnerable to bringing home damaging words and phrases, even tones of voice that seem normal at work, but at home are disastrous. Part of my readiness to deploy includes my need to be sure my family knows how much I love and value them. So it is best if I don’t say anything that I later need to correct in case I have to leave at short notice. I know the responsibility of leadership and I want my wife and children to live vibrant lives and not be crushed.

Here are some things I have learned that might be helpful. I try not to talk when I am angry – it seems that anger can bulldoze my restraint to one side and allow harsh and unnecessary words and tones out. If I am calm I seem to be able to get my point across without the damage. I like to ask questions rather than make accusations. I can back out of a question, but an accusation is like pulling a trigger – you can’t put the bullet back in the casing. A question can highlight a problem just as well as finger-pointing, and you may well find there isn’t really a problem. Also I try to criticize actions and not the person. My children know they can correct an action, but if I say that they are bad, silly, etc., where is their hope? I steer away from the words “never” and “always” (unless I am reaffirming my love and acceptance of my family). “You never do this” or “you always do that” statements don’t offer hope. I try and catch my family doing good things. It is amazing how much an encouraging word really lifts my wife or children. I think that’s what Solomon was getting at when he said that kind words bring life.

I have one last suggestion. We in the military have a unique opportunity when we are deployed away from our families. . . we can write to them. Try writing a love letter to your spouse or an encouragement letter to your children. If your spouse and children are anything like mine, your kind words on paper will become highly-valued treasures that they can re-read any time they need some more life!

Questions to Share:

1. What are some words, phrases or tones that you use and should take out of your language? If you’re not sure or want to check, ask your spouse or children what you say that they most wish you didn’t – they’ll know!

2. What things do you think your wife and children do really well that you could regularly complement them on (if you haven’t done this before, they may think it odd at first. But I’m sure they won’t want you to stop).

3. What and how we say things can be deeply entrenched habits that only God can budge for us. Ask the Holy Spirit to point out where you need to correct your language and then ask Him to help you do it.