Danger—Infatuation!

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“Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” — 2 Timothy 2:22

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.” — Proverbs 4:23-27

I pay attention when I run across stories about platonic friendships which turn into inappropriate relationships. It’s so common  . . . especially in these days of deployments. Loneliness can become the excuse for “hanging out” with someone of the opposite sex you thought was “safe.” Stressful marital situations can become the excuse for asking a fellow worker of the opposite sex an innocent question like “I’m going through a tough time in my marriage—help me understand my spouse better.” Uncertainty about your future can become the excuse for throwing caution to the wind with an attitude of “What the heck—all I’ve got is today and no one has to know.”

But it’s the timing of it all, and what might cause us to turn our back on a flirtation at a less stressful point might lead to the desire for more at another point. With these thoughts in mind I recently listened intently to an interview on Focus on the Family’s broadcast entitled, “Friendship or Flirtation: Danger Signs for Couples”—an interview with Rev. Dave Carder, author of Torn Asunder and Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. The promotional piece for this radio program read: “Most of us don’t wake up in the morning and say, ‘I’m going to go out and ruin my marriage today.’ That’s because the breakdown of marriage relationships almost always happens over time. Sometimes years. But the tipping point for many already-vulnerable relationships that are rocked by infidelity is . . . blurring the line between friendship and flirtation.” “Daly Focus” in Family Focus, September, 2011.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, calls it “the tingles” and says that the strongest feelings of desire between a man and woman usually last about two years. Rev. Carder, after studying extra-marital sins for thirty years, takes that up a notch and makes this profound statement: “Infatuation is the most powerful drug known to man.”

Having made that statement, on the program he goes on to discuss “19 Dangerous Behaviors” which can act as warning signs to alert those who desire to remain faithful to their spouse and want to avoid any risky situations. I’ve culled through Dr. Carder’s listed behaviors and have selected those “top 10” behaviors which might be more likely to happen during deployment—just as warnings.

Rev. Carder says you’re on dangerous ground when you:

1. Save topics of conversation for your ‘special friend’ because they understand you better than your spouse.
2. Share spousal difficulties with your friend. Sharing confidential information about your spouse is a break in trust.
3. And the flip side—Allow the friend to share their relationship difficulties with you.
4. Compare the friend and your spouse.
5. Fantasize about marriage to your friend.
6. Spend money on your friend without your spouse’s knowledge.
7. Lie (to others) to spend time with your friend.
8. Develop rituals (experiences anticipated by both parties—like coffee together).
9. Experience a ‘shiver’ when your friend shares feelings or touches you.
10. Allow sexual content in your conversations with your friend.

Have you ever experienced any of these? Rev. Carder says that most likely we all have. But put these behaviors in the context of loneliness, existing marital difficulties, or reckless thinking (due to fatigue, depression, discouragement, etc.) and the sexual temptations may become regretful reality.

Another warning—the “friend” does not even need to be present to pose a threat to your marriage. Those same sustained factors which can produce the lure of infatuation when overseas or alone at home can cause you to “look up” an old friend on the internet. What happens might not be a physical affair, but an emotional affair which can be just as damaging to a marriage.

Some of the best teaching on sexual sin is from John Ortberg’s teaching in Old Testament Challenge. Using King Solomon as his example, Ortberg preaches on the “Four Steps to Disaster.” Noting that no one stands at the altar with the plan to fail in their marriage, he cites the formula which brought down Solomon, “the wisest man who ever lived”:

1. “Leave a little wiggle room in your commitment . . . Remember, nine-five percent commitment is five percent short.” There is no such thing as a partial commitment.
2. “Assume that you are an exception to the rules or that you are above the rules.” If you think “it won’t happen to me”—think again.
3. “Fail to deal with your predisposed weaknesses.” If you know that something has been a temptation for you in the past, avoid it at all cost!
4. “Ignore or silence corrective words.” Your buddies might have your best interests at heart in warning you about risky behavior—listen to them!

Given that infatuation is so dangerous—and the temptation of sexual sin so prevalent, even among Christians—what does one do to guard their heart, to guard their integrity, to guard their marriage? Here are some ideas to ponder:

1. Consider the factors which brought you to any past mistakes—and commit to avoid those same factors ahead of time.
2. Do not be naïve to the conditions which you might be facing—you might be on someone’s “list” to bring down your faithfulness in marriage.
3. Be vigilant in protecting your eyes, ears, and mind from information which might cause you to think of someone of the opposite sex instead of your spouse.
4. Enlist an accountability partner—someone of the same gender with whom you can meet regularly to share prayers and vulnerabilities.
5. Put healthy boundaries around your relationships with those of the opposite sex—avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
6. When you find yourself in a compromising position, or even the appearance of one—leave! or as the Bible says, “Flee!”
7. Maintain a regular time with the Lord. Bottom line—it is in the power of the Holy Spirit that we resist temptation. The fresh filling of the Holy Spirit is vital in our ability to remain pure.

Love is a beautiful thing, but it is something you give and share on an intimate level only with your spouse. Flirtation may seem fun at the time, and harmless. . . .but beware! Satan would love to fuel those feelings into a fire of emotions which could end up burning down your home!

Questions to Share:

1. Was there anything in this writing which was a surprise to you? What was it?

2. Was there anything in this writing which was particularly convicting to you? What was it?

3. Commit time in prayer to confess sin to God and write downs steps you will now take to avoid sexual temptation in the future.