Dealing With the Unreasonable

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Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. —  Romans 12:14

I have been reading a lot lately about step families—with the goal of understanding more fully the challenges of step parenting in a military family. The obstacles are many . . . and my hat’s off to all of you who are leading and loving your blended family well in the midst of the current ops tempo.

The series of books I’m spending most of my time in are by Ron Deal, FamilyLife’s expert and author—having written The Smart Step Family, The Smart Stepdad and The Smart Stepmom. I found many nuggets of wisdom in these books . . . including two sections which particularly caught my eye, and heart—“Dealing with a Destructive Dad” and “Dealing with a Destructive Mom.” No doubt the havoc that can be wreaked in a step family because of destructive patterns in the parents is unfathomable, but Ron Deal tries to give pointers on just how that scene can be managed. This information is transferable to other relationship problems (even during deployment), so sharing it with everyone just makes sense.

In The Smart Stepdad, Deal answers the question of how to deal with an unreasonable person from the advice written by the Apostle Paul in Romans 12: “There Paul outlines the attitudes and actions needed in order to love difficult people. God’s prescription for overcoming an evil person is to respond with good. The temptation we all face is to repay evil with more evil. But that is not in keeping with the mercies God has shown us (Romans 12:1). The goal, in spite of the hurt we experience at the hands of others, is to offer ourselves as living sacrifices and repay evil with good.” (p. 150)

He goes on to discuss revenge, and reminds us that God is the only one, according to Romans 12:19, who should seek vengeance. “He is the only one who is pure and holy, with no ulterior motives. He always desires our higher good (even when we don’t deserve it).” (p. 150)

The next logical questions are: “But what is your role in the meantime? Are you supposed to sit around and passively wait for more persecution? No, the answer is to become aggressive with good. When wicked behavior is running rampant, it seems to have control. However, God’s Word tells us that good is more powerful than evil. God does not say that doing good to others will help us tolerate their evil. He says that we can overcome it. Light overwhelms darkness. Hope triumphs over discouragement. Love casts out fear. It is our task, in the face of evil, to offer good. Why? Because good invites repentance. . . Constantly repaying evil with good holds a mirror up to the perpetrator reflecting their evil; in some cases this will bring about a change of heart.” (p. 150)

Obviously there are necessary boundaries, especially in cases of abuse. But Deal’s point is that there is clear teaching in Scripture that the Lord will reward those who do good to those who are evil (Proverbs 25:22).

And what if the desired outcome of a repentant heart in a destructive dad never takes place? “Then it’s between your ex-husband-in-law and his Creator. You may suffer much at his hand, but you must trust God to do what is right.” (p. 151)

Much the same encouragement is found in The Smart Stepmom. Deal and his co-author, Laura Petherbridge, tell us that what seems impossible is possible with the Holy Spirit. They write, “On your own you most likely won’t have the strength, determination, or passion to deal with a destructive biological mom or perhaps go the distance in this marriage. If you decide to go it alone without God’s help, you might be able to squeak out a simple version of ‘Chopsticks’ (on the grand piano metaphor they use). But imagine the music you can play if you allow yourself to be completely embraced and protected by the Holy One, the Creator. He longs to help you.” (p. 166)

Referring again to Romans 12, Deal and Petherbridge outline the attitudes and actions given by God on how to love someone who is difficult: “First and foremost, the underlying problem we need to acknowledge is sin. Regardless of your ex-wife-in-law’s motivation, if she is acting out in destructive behavior that is harming your home, the root cause is evil. God’s prescription for overcoming evil is direct: ‘Overcome evil with good.’” (p. 167)

They also take us to the Old Testament, to Psalm 40:1-3 which gives David’s account of coping with difficult circumstances. “In the Scripture we see a person in deep, dark trouble. There seems no way out of the pit. But God points the way to victory:

• The first step is to look beyond the circumstances, past the pit, and up to God: ‘I waited patiently for the Lord.’
• The second step is to cry out to God. Let Him know how you feel. It’s okay. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed. God is big enough to handle your pain, fear, or frustration: ‘He turned to me and heard my cry.’
• The third step is to trust that God will show up and do what he does best—heal, redeem, and restore. ‘He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.’  Notice that God lifts the person out of the pit; he or she doesn’t get out on personal strength. This is extremely significant because our natural tendency is to think we are required to do this on our own ability, and nothing could be further from the truth. That is the reason why most people give up and fail.
• And then, at last—victory. ‘He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.’  Who is capable of placing a new song in the mouth? God gives the discouraged person a new song, a new perspective, a new hope!” (p. 166)

How is this possible? We all have said, at one time or another, “I can’t do this!” Of course we can’t. We cannot extend grace to those who continually stir up trouble in our souls—and our homes . . . at least not on our own. Only with the supernatural power of the indwelling Holy Spirit giving us the mind of Christ can we think and act like Jesus.

With that power we are able to take a final step—towards forgiveness. This chapter in The Smart Stepmom goes on to explain that “forgiveness is not a feeling; (it) is not pretending you were not hurt; (it) is not saying what the person did is okay; (it) does not require trusting the person; (it) does not relieve the person of responsibility; (it) is frequently not a one-time event.” (p. 170-171)

Again, there are boundaries—especially when there is physical or mental abuse.

Here is the final encouragement which cannot be overlooked: “The final step to obtaining victory over anger and bitterness is to learn how to forgive, and the best way to step forward is to admit that you need help. Be honest with the Lord, no matter how angry you are. Ask him to reveal any distorted or unhealthy thinking you may have about forgiveness. God is more than willing to teach you how to surrender every hurt and rejection to him so that it produces wholeness. If you desire forgiveness for your own sins, the Bible states that you need to forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15).” (p. 169)

Total surrender to our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ . . . total trust in Him . . . total faith. Living daily with His strength and His power and His wisdom. Yes, it’s possible. It’s not easy, but it is possible. And it’s eternally worth it!

For more information on becoming a Christian, go to http://www.cru.org/how-to-know-god/would-you-like-to-know-god-personally/index.htm

Works cited:

Deal Ron L., The Smart Step Family (Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 2002 and 2006)

Deal, Ron L., The Smart Stepdad (Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 2011)

Deal, Ron L., and Laura Petherbridge, The Smart Stepmom (Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 2009)

Questions to Share:

1. What has been your natural reaction when confronting difficult people?

2. What current relationships have been the most difficult for you? Pray that the Lord leads you to confession for your part in the conflict, steps toward forgiveness, and the ability to bless the other party in spite of their unreasonableness.