Marriage Poem in Paradox

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“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” — Matthew 6:33

“The most important one (commandment),” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.’ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”
— Mark 12:29, 30

Have you ever known anyone who was asked to write a poem for their son’s wedding? Neither have I. But the great theologian, John Piper, was asked to do just that sixteen years ago. What we have to share today is that poem, entitled “Love Her More and Love Her Less.” It is indeed a “doctrine in a paradox.” I first heard John Piper read this in a recorded speech, and something is lost in giving you the words and not his voice. But there are points he makes which we will suggest in conclusion—which apply to deployment:

“Love Her More and Love Her Less”

By John Piper May 29, 1995

For Karsten Luke Piper
At His Wedding to
Rochelle Ann Orvis
May 29, 1995

The God whom we have loved, and in
Whom we have lived, and who has been
Our Rock these twenty-two good years
With you, now bids us, with sweet tears,
To let you go: “A man shall leave
His father and his mother, cleave
Henceforth unto his wife, and be
One unashaméd flesh and free.”
This is the word of God today,
And we are happy to obey.
For God has given you a bride
Who answers every prayer we’ve cried
For over twenty years, our claim
For you, before we knew her name.

And now you ask that I should write
A poem – a risky thing, in light
Of what you know: that I am more
The preacher than the poet or
The artist. I am honored by
Your bravery, and I comply.
I do not grudge these sweet confines
Of rhyming pairs and metered lines.
They are old friends. They like it when
I bid them help me once again
To gather feelings into form
And keep them durable and warm.

And so we met in recent days,
And made the flood of love and praise
And counsel from a father’s heart
To flow within the banks of art.
Here is a portion of the stream,
My son: a sermon poem. It’s theme:
A double rule of love that shocks;
A doctrine in a paradox:

If you now aim your wife to bless,
Then love her more and love her less.

If in the coming years, by some
Strange providence of God, you come
To have the riches of this age,
And, painless, stride across the stage
Beside your wife, be sure in health
To love her, love her more than wealth.

And if your life is woven in
A hundred friendships, and you spin
A festal fabric out of all
Your sweet affections, great and small,
Be sure, no matter how it rends,
To love her, love her more than friends.

And if there comes a point when you
Are tired, and pity whispers, “Do
Yourself a favor. Come, be free;
Embrace the comforts here with me.”
Know this! Your wife surpasses these:
So love her, love her, more than ease.

And when your marriage bed is pure,
And there is not the slightest lure
Of lust for any but your wife,
And all is ecstasy in life,
A secret all of this protects:
Go love her, love her, more than sex.

And if your taste becomes refined,
And you are moved by what the mind
Of man can make, and dazzled by
His craft, remember that the “why”
Of all this work is in the heart;
So love her, love her more than art.

And if your own should someday be
The craft that critics all agree
Is worthy of a great esteem,
And sales exceed your wildest dream,
Beware the dangers of a name.
And love her, love her more than fame.

And if, to your surprise, not mine,
God calls you by some strange design
To risk your life for some great cause,
Let neither fear nor love give pause,
And when you face the gate of death,
Then love her, love her more than breath.

Yes, love her, love her, more than life;
O, love the woman called your wife.
Go love her as your earthly best.

Beyond this venture not. But, lest
Your love become a fool’s facade,
Be sure to love her less than God.

It is not wise or kind to call
An idol by sweet names, and fall,
As in humility, before
A likeness of your God. Adore
Above your best beloved on earth
The God alone who gives her worth.
And she will know in second place
That your great love is also grace,
And that your high affections now
Are flowing freely from a vow
Beneath these promises, first made
To you by God. Nor will they fade
For being rooted by the stream
Of Heaven’s Joy, which you esteem
And cherish more than breath and life,
That you may give it to your wife.

The greatest gift you give your wife
Is loving God above her life.
And thus I bid you now to bless:
Go love her more by loving less.

Now we conclude in the same way we began—with a question. What does this poem have to do with military deployment? We believe deployment separation forces, in an inconvenient way, the challenges which John Piper poses: to love her more than wealth, more than friends, more than ease, more than sex, more than art, more than fame and more than breath. Sacrificial military service can separate us from all of these “more thans” and we can be left to cherish the one relationship which can endure beyond the challenges of military duty—that of unconditional love between a man and his wife. It then becomes the greater challenge, in that marriage, for a couple to make sure that their relationship is a demonstrated priority in spite of the limitations. Finding ways to show true love for your spouse while separated by wartime duty is the subject of many other books and devotions—and it takes work. But at the end of the deployment, it’s worth it.

But we can’t stop there, because John Piper didn’t stop there. He reminds us, and rightly so, that the true source of joy for which there can be no earthly substitute is to love God—and to love Him more than your spouse. This strange paradox comes alive at this point and is only explained through the supernatural wisdom of our Heavenly Father—that the way to have a growing, vibrant, gracious, joyful and redemptive relationship in marriage is to love God more than anything and anyone. It is only within the divine character of God and possible in the power of the Holy Spirit that this is possible, but at the end of earthly life, it’s worth it.

Prayer: “Heavenly Father, I want to love You with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. And with that relationship right, I know I am free to love my spouse in a way that pleases You. But I need help to do that in the middle of this deployment. Please bind our hearts in our marriage commitment together so that oneness is not just a physical relationship but a mental and spiritual one as well. We have so many needs, but they are all met in You. Give us grace for the day and strength for the hour so that when we are reunited after this time apart we can say to each other, ‘I learned to love you more by loving you less than God. It was He who sustained and even grew our love through this time of separation.’ If I must make big steps toward that goal, help me to be courageous. If I must make many small steps, help me to persevere. And when we are tempted to be selfish and think that we are ‘missing out’ help us to both understand that You and You alone are what ultimately matters. I love You, Lord, and together may we love You more. In the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, Amen.”

Work Cited:

“Love Her More and Love Her Less” is found on the Desiring God website.

Questions to Share:

1. Ask yourself, “Do I love God more than anything?”

2. Are there any of the “more thans” which have a hold on your love to the exclusion of your spouse? What steps do you need to take to let go of earthly claims and put God first?

3. For more reading on this topic, go to “That Triangle Thing!”