“My PTSD and The Redemptive Power of Christ”

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Editor’s Note: This powerful writing is from Pastor Ed Choi, Lead Pastor Resident of Mars Hill Rainier Valley near Seattle, Washington. Used by permission, it was originally published on MarsHill.com blog, May 26, 2014. We thank Pastor Choi for his service to our country, and to our Lord.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” — Romans 5:1-5

How Jesus healed me from PTSD is truly a powerful redemptive work of grace in my life, but the recovery did not happen overnight. On my second deployment to Iraq (from August 2006 to October 2007) I served with the 1-26 Infantry Battalion, which sustained more casualties than any other military unit since Vietnam. We lost 35 soldiers and over 130 were wounded. Many of the wounded ended up as amputees. I conducted 24 memorial ceremonies for our fallen soldiers, provided over 200 hours of grief counseling, and was also wounded due to an IED blast. Before returning home I began experiencing what behavioral health experts call “burn out” and “compassion fatigue.”

During my first months after returning from Iraq, I was angry, irritable, and depressed. My wife, Kathryn, and I were constantly arguing and I was having flashbacks and nightmares. I sought the help of Army psychologists and psychiatrists who helped me deal with my symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but not the deep scars of war.

There are many times I’ve prayed to God for healing like the Apostle Paul did in 2 Corinthians 12:8 where three times he asked the Lord to heal him but did not experience an immediate healing. With time, prayer, meditating on God’s Word, being in a support group, and the love of my family, I was on the road to healing. But in December of 2011, I deployed again, this time to Afghanistan.

The deployment to Afghanistan was shorter (12 months) than my two previous deployments to Iraq (13 and 15 months) but it seemed longer and really took a toll on me. Our unit was part of the surge that operated in South Afghanistan, which had numerous insurgent strongholds resulting in many U.S. military and civilian casualties. I was attending and conducting memorial ceremonies for the fallen, took part in many Purple Heart ceremonies for those who sustained wounds, visited severely wounded soldiers in combat medical hospitals, and provided grief counseling. I started getting flashbacks and nightmares of Iraq even though I was in Afghanistan, as well as experiencing insomnia and depression.

After returning from Afghanistan, I was again given the opportunity to receive treatment from our Army psychologists and psychiatrists. What I have learned from these treatments is that continual exposure to trauma will compound PTSD. I discovered that dealing with only the symptoms and not the deep wounds of war is like putting a bandage over cancer. All the treatments and medications I was taking were like bandages. Only Jesus who died for my sins and sufferings, the Holy Spirit’s power, and the love of God were able to heal the deep scars of trauma.

Being exposed to war, the three major things I struggled with were grief, anger, and survivor’s guilt. Grief because the soldiers that I served were like my sons and daughters, so when one died in combat it affected me as if I was losing a child. I loved each one of them and I will never forget the names and faces of the 57 soldiers whom I had the honor to serve as chaplain. My grief would turn to anger; I was angry about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, angry with the faceless insurgents who were killing soldiers, and angry with God because I felt abandoned. There were many times I would pray, “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?”

I had both righteous and unrighteous anger. My righteous anger was due to how our politicians and military leaders were handling the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. The righteous anger was also towards the faceless insurgents who used cruel and cowardly tactics in killing civilians and U.S. military personnel. But the pain and anguish of losing soldiers caused my unrighteous anger towards God. In my mind I understand that God is sovereign and he alone can take everything and use it for good, for Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose,” but I doubted his goodness and his sovereignty.

However, when I see Jesus who was crucified on the cross and see how God took the most horrific and painful thing and brought salvation to sinners, I can trust the Heavenly Father. Today I have surrendered my anger to God and I know deep in my mind and heart that God is good and his mercy endures forever. I have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (Romans 5:1).

Survivor’s guilt paralyzed me and many times I questioned why I came home when many others didn’t. Why did I come back from combat with only minor physical wounds and many others returned with permanent, lifelong injuries?

Survivor’s guilt kept me from enjoying God’s grace towards me. I felt I was undeserving of surviving combat and being home with my family. After returning from my second deployment from Iraq, I received a call from a girl named Michelle Kim. Michelle was the sister of Private Jin Ho Kim, a soldier in our unit who was killed in Iraq. She asked if I would be willing to meet her and her parents. I agreed and we met for lunch and spoke for over two hours. They asked me a lot of questions about how and where their son died. They also wanted to know if he was a good soldier and if he enjoyed what he was doing in the Army. I asked them about Jin Ho and what was he like as a brother and son. Emotionally it was difficult to meet with them, but I was grateful to have the opportunity to do so.

After saying our goodbyes with tears and smiles, I felt a heavy burden of guilt. Kathryn was with me and when I was driving I had to pull over because of the overwhelming feeling of survivor’s guilt. I cried in the car uncontrollably with tears of sorrow and pain, asking myself, “Why me?” I kept saying, “Why did I come home?” I cried out loud, “I should have died in Iraq!” Kathryn held me gently and kept saying to me, “It’s okay.” While going through Redemption Group last year I came to accept that the only reason I survived in combat was because the grace of our Lord overflowed for me . . . and the love that is in Christ Jesus (I Timothy 1:14—“The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus”). I’m not any better or more special than any soldier who died in combat. Because of God’s grace, which is God’s undeserved favor towards us, he kept me safe through three deployments and alive today in order to serve him.

With his love and grace, God started to heal me from PTSD through the power of the Holy Spirit. He did not give me the answers to all my questions, but revealed to me that his grace is sufficient. God started to take my grief and turn it to joy. In Psalm 30:5 it says, “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” James 1:2 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” I’m not talking about happiness, but joy through pain in suffering. Pastor Mark preached on this in the second sermon in the James series when he said, “Happiness is because of your circumstances, joy is in spite of your circumstances . . . it’s crazy joy.” There will always be pain in my heart for the soldiers I’ve lost in combat, but today joy in Christ will be my strength, for the Scripture says, “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10)!

Through the three deployments (40 months total) to combat and being diagnosed with PTSD, God has revealed to me that his grace is sufficient. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” And like Paul I can say, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Christ is my hope and salvation, he is my joy and peace, he is my treasure and redemption!

I’ll conclude by quoting 2 Corinthians 4:5-11:

“For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.”

To God be the glory, forever!

Questions to Share:

1. How did God sustain Chaplain Choi during his three deployments? How has God sustained you during your deployments?

2. Pray for Pastor Choi as God uses his wartime chaplaincy experience to minister now to those in his church. Pray also for yourselves, as a couple, for God to use your deployment experience to minister to others.