Chap’s Story

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See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on the human tradition and the basic principles of this world, rather than Christ. — Colossians 2:8

Good Day Shipmates!

I’ve been married longer than many have been alive aboard this ship. At the risk of really dating myself, it’s been twenty-six years. My wife and I met in Chesterfield, near Richmond, as two idealistic “kids” with big plans. At 18 and 19 years old, we were convinced we were going to take the world by storm.

Life was simple back then. We dated six months and got married—bitten and blinded by the “love bug”; and on our way to RAF Lakenheath on E-1 pay. Our immaturity quickly reared its hideous head pushing our dreams and romanticism to the back burner. The only word fitting to describe the harsh erosion of our marriage was “train-wreck.”

I wounded my wife daily with razor-sharp words and emotional revenge. It’s no surprise she responded, firing back a volley of hurt and resentment. We quickly became isolated and discouraged . . . two married people living emotionally separate lives. To make matters worse, we had no “real” friends or people we could trust with such private matters. Secretly, we were ashamed how rapidly our marriage declined. I blamed her and she blamed me. Dreams of a healthy marriage were gone; our relationship had become toxic. In a few short months, the one I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with had become the adversary. We were consumed by pain, embittered and emotionally defeated.

Looking back, we can see that we believed four fundamental lies: 1) we were the only ones struggling like this; 2) we couldn’t tell anybody; 3) my spouse was the problem, not me; 4) we were beyond help. Each of these lies plays a deadly role in marriage relationships, shoving heads low in shame. The result of shame is demoralizing—shame leads to isolation while stealing you blind of a precious marriage commodity—hope . We tried to “fake it” and let others think that we were fine, but inside we were screaming, “Help!”

Although young, inexperienced and sinking in hopelessness, we were bright enough to know changes had to be made—immediately. Through our recovery process (more on that to come), I learned three important truths to share with you:

• I believe a powerful transaction occurs in the hearts of people when they experience honest and open communication in a loving and supportive environment. We desperately needed to admit we were a mess, but fear gripped us. But once you decide to be honest, God will allow you to see help in those around you who have wisdom to share.
• My changed marriage says more about God than it does me; it testifies to the power of God to transform two lives from rags to riches. An appropriate response is not, “Great job, Chaps, you really turned your life around.” No! You’ve missed it. Great job, God!
• Change begins with ME. I must ask God for the fortitude to focus my energy on that. Pray like this, “Heavenly Father, give me the courage to be honest with myself. The truth is: I’m the problem; I cannot change or fix anyone except myself. Liberate me in the hope of Your Truth and the reality of Your acceptance in Christ Jesus. Amen.”

In a few days we will pull into port. Some of you have taken advantage of time away during this deployment to evaluate and reflect in a healthy way. Ever so quietly, in the privacy of your own heart, you’ve taken account of what’s truly important in life. You’ve thought long and hard about making much needed changes or adjustments. If truth be told, you’re not happy. Actually it’s worse than that—you secretly suffer from the disease of discontent; you suffer silently from discouragement and are emotionally tired; you seek refuge. Something’s gotta change!

Allow me to offer some thoughts:

First, change always starts from within; recovery begins with YOU. Firmly fix your gaze into the mirror of honesty; don’t quickly walk away and forget what you look like. Avoid the pull of believing the problem is “her” or “him.” It’s not—it’s you and it’s me. Start there.

Second . . . I’ve seen lots of people talk about change and even attempt change. Few find it. They’re genuine—they try harder, adjust jobs, substitute spouses, reorder finances, and make genuine attempts at change. However, true change only occurs exclusively within the framework of faith. You must seriously connect with God in repentance and surrender. Without God’s foundation, you’ll endure a long uphill battle of failed attempts. Swallow your pride—let Him produce a new you!

Third, change is a process. Don’t try to make change an event, like “whew . . . glad I got that over with. I’m different now!” Genuine change that lasts doesn’t work that way. It’s in the process you meet new people with similar goals, reach fresh objectives and connect with Creator-God in momentous, life-changing ways.

Fourth, find healthy people. You’ll only find these people in one place: CHURCH. They can be found . . . trust me. In forty-six years I’ve only found one place where people change and mature—in the church.

Fifth, stick to the plan. Resolve yourself to the process. Genuine change is hard work that only occurs within the context of relationship with God. Spend time in prayer and in His word, the Bible. That is where truth is found—in His Son, Jesus Christ.

There are better days ahead for you. I know.

Questions to Share:

1. Have you been taken captive by a deceptive philosophy that is built upon lies? How have those lies profoundly affected your thinking, words, attitudes, and behavior towards your spouse? How will you respond now?

2. Where do you subtly blame your spouse for the condition of your marriage, while minimizing your role? What will you do in response?