Ten Things Right, Ten Things Wrong

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Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.  —  Lamentations 3:40

Bob and Cheryl Moeller do a great job of ministering and training singles—in the disciplines of the faith, in their spiritual walk as singles, and in their lives of dating and preparation for marriage.

Recently on their website, ForKeepsMinistries.com, Bob included his list of “Ten Things I Did Right, Ten Things I Did Wrong” from his own season of singleness, with the Scriptures which inspired his reflections:

Ten Things I Did Right

Right Thing #1—I decided God’s will for my life was more important than my own dreams for marriage.

“He went away a second time and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done” (Matthew 26:42,43).

Right Thing #2—I chose to develop my gifts and calling rather than spending my life on pursuing pleasure.

“For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:6,7).

Right Thing #3—I decided if God closed a door in a relationship I would not try and kick it in.

“Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia. When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas” (Acts 16:6-8).

Right Thing #4—I learned from the mistakes of those closest to me and developed a healthy fear of sin.

“A man’s own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD” (Proverbs 19:3).

Right Thing #5—I looked for a person willing to risk it all on Jesus and give Him a blank check on their life.

“However, I consider my life worthy nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace” (Acts 20:24).

Right Thing #6—I learned lessons from each relationship even when it ended in supposed failure.

“ . . . for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity” (Proverbs 24:16).

Right Thing #7—I found someone who shared my basic values and convictions in life.

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”  (Amos 3:3)

Right Thing #8—I looked for someone whose mind and heart attracted me as much as their looks.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30)

Right Thing #9—I listened to the advice of others who loved and cared about me.

“If someone asks him, ‘What are these wounds on your body?’ he will answer, ‘The wounds I was given at the house of my friends’” (Zechariah 13:6).

Right Thing #10—I decided that if I got married it would be for better, for worse, and for keeps.

“’Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let men not separate” (Matthew 19:4-6).

Ten Things I Did Wrong

Wrong Thing #1—While dating, I worked too long and too hard to make some relationships work that were never going to work.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven . . . a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away . . .” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4-6)

Wrong Thing #2—I let myself become too discouraged and too depressed when relationships turned out differently than what I had wanted.

“I will extol the LORD at all times; His praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together . . . The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:1-3,18)

Wrong Thing #3—I spent too much time looking on in envy at those who were already in relationships.

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor” (Exodus 20:17).

Wrong Thing #4—I confused intense infatuation with true love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres . . . When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me” (I Corinthians 13:4-7,11).

Wrong Thing #5—I failed to appreciate the impact my damaged heart had on my relationships.

“Jesus replied, ‘Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning’” (Matthew 19:8).

Wrong Thing #6—I was often less than honest in telling the other person when I knew the relationship was over.

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

Wrong Thing #7—I believed the other person could and should fill the hole in my heart. Only God can do that.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners . . . to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” (Isaiah 61:1-3)

Wrong Thing #8—I became way too judgmental, unkind and unforgiving when I discovered the hidden faults and shortcomings of the other person I was dating.

“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1).

Wrong Thing #9—I ignored obvious warning signs in the other person’s past behavior, emotional make-up and family system believing love would conquer all.

“A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it” (Proverbs 22:3).

Wrong Thing #10—I let my own self-focus take over my thinking, emotions and behavior.

“An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends; he defies all sound judgment” (Proverbs 18:1).

Perhaps these lists could summarize your life experience, but Bob captured your reflections much better than you could. Perhaps you are examining your dating relationships and there is guidance in these lists which you can use—or perhaps pass on to others.

If you want more on this topic of dating and singleness, there is a new book out which we highly recommend. By well-known author of Sacred Marriage, it is Sacred Search by Gary Thomas.

Even though this posting does not directly cover matters of a military marriage, especially dealing with deployment, we trust God will use it to challenge your thinking about relationships . . . and perhaps to pass it along to encourage someone within your sphere of influence who is dealing with these issues.

Questions to Share:

1.  When you think back to your dating days, what do you believe you did right and did wrong?

2.  Based on the “Things I Did Right” list, choose one that you and your spouse did right and discuss how you could see God working in your relationship even during those early days.