Revenge and Marriage

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Never take your own revenge, beloved… – Romans 12:19

Revenge is becoming increasingly trendy in our society. The greatest influence on society seems to be movies, TV and the internet.  Through them we have been fed a steady stream of messages that say revenge is satisfying and even morally acceptable. We even have a popular TV series specifically about revenge. Think about the formula we are exposed to – first the villain is identified and we are given many reasons to want to see them punished.  Then the righteous hero gets a beating from the villain, so that we know they are justified to take further action.  Then the hero effectively assaults the villain up to and including killing them. We are not unhappy with the result because we are wired to justify and desire revenge. This is why we have things like the Geneva Conventions to govern our behavior in a conflict, because left to our own devices we cannot be trusted to not take revenge.

What does this have to do with marriage? I think this pro-revenge theme has also crept into our relationships. Revenge is not just about beating up or shooting people– it can start with something like criticizing your spouse in public. It is getting back at someone for a perceived offense, no matter how small…

Revenge in a relationship is a major contributor to escalating conflict. Normally what happens is that someone does something that the other person does not like.  But rather than resolving the issue through calm communication, they decide that they are entitled to some payback. Maybe they even think that it is the only way to teach the other person how it feels, hence it is for their own good. How cunning we are when it comes to justifying our bad behavior!

So the offended person acts.  But often the offender is only partially aware or sometimes not aware at all that their actions caused offense. They might know that something is amiss, but without communication it can be really tricky to know why the other person is a bit edgy. So when the vengeful act occurs, the offender feels ambushed, hurt and offended. If they follow the pattern that has been set, they will decide that the other person needs to pay.  And then they begin to construct their own plan for revenge. Before long a couple can submerge themselves in the quagmire that is the revenge cycle. Revenge, counter-revenge, counter-counter-revenge, and so on, increasingly widening the gap between a husband and wife till they can barely speak to each other. Unchecked, this can only lead to painful isolation for both.  And in the military this will be at its most destructive when we are apart from each other for long periods. So if you have ended up in a revenge cycle, it is a great idea to get it in check!

This is why God tells us not to take revenge. Did you notice that He says “Never take your own revenge, beloved”? “Never” comes from the Greek “m?”, which essentially means to not do it if you don’t want something else to happen. “Beloved” is “agapetos”, from agape, the pinnacle of love. So God is not denying us the satisfaction of revenge. He is warning us not to take it because He loves us deeply and knows how destructive it is for our relationship and for our own well-being. The verse goes on to say that we should leave any revenge for God to exact. He’s better at it than us, plus He knows everything.  So He will only take revenge that is truly deserved.  Let’s hope we don’t wish that on our spouses!

So, the next time your spouse does something that you don’t like and you are tempted to retaliate by doing something to them, saying something about them, saying something to them or not saying something or doing something for them, rethink. If you go ahead you will be spinning the revenge cycle that will hurt them, you and your relationship. Trust God and put your desire for revenge aside, and do something nice for them instead. I’ll bet you will look back on that later and agree that God is smarter than all of us as you reap the benefits of avoiding revenge.

Questions:
1. How have you taken revenge on your spouse in the past (let’s face it, sadly, most of us have at some level)?
2. What could you have done in those circumstances that would have avoided revenge?
3. Share your thoughts with your spouse and commit together to watch out for and avoid the temptation to take revenge by making it a habit to replace revenge with doing something nice.