Conquering Resentment

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Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others. — Philippians 2:3,4

Several military wives, myself included, had crammed into an apartment living room for a book club meeting. As we chatted between bites of crackers and cheese, our conversation veered away from the book of the month when the hostess unleashed a bitter monologue concerning her husband’s frequent absences at sea and punctuated it with a booming, “I did not sign up to be a single parent!” With one toddler and another baby due soon, this woman was clearly frazzled. Unfortunately, her resentment over having to be solo spilled out of her like a toxin and threatened to poison the evening.

Heroes at Home author Ellie Kay points out that resentment takes root when the focus is on our own unfulfilled desires and expectations, on why life isn’t the way we want it to be right now. Our book club hostess, like most of us, desired for her husband to be a present father. Many wives struggle with not being able to pursue professional ambitions due to the transitory lifestyle of the military. And who doesn’t wish we could spend more time with our families or friends we’ve left scattered all over the country?

In Lies Women Believe, Nancy Leigh DeMoss points out that no matter who we are (or what our husbands are called to do), we will always have unfilled longings this side of heaven (Romans 8:23). “It is important to understand that our inner longings are not necessarily sinful in and of themselves,” she writes. “What is wrong is demanding that those longings be fulfilled here and now, or insisting on meeting those longings in illegitimate ways . . . . The second Truth is that the deepest longings of our hearts cannot be filled by any created person or thing . . . . We must learn to accept those longings, surrender them to God, and look to Him to meet the deepest needs of our hearts.”

Naomi and Ruth, both widowed and childless, certainly had unfulfilled longings when they returned to Bethlehem empty-handed. But instead of wallowing in their tragedy, Ruth rolled up her sleeves and went to work—hard work—gleaning in the fields under the hot sun so she could provide for herself and her mother-in-law.

When resentment threatens to infect our hearts, we need to take a cue from Ruth and step outside ourselves to serve others. “We are not going to change our husbands or the situation; we can’t stop the war,” says Mrs. Kay. “If those things won’t change, we must.” She continues to add that the best way for a wife to stop resenting her husband’s military service is for her to get out there and invest in the lives of other people—start serving others. A good place to start is volunteering at family activities for his unit. Or if time allows . . . . help a neighbor who is perhaps in the same circumstance, volunteer at your child’s school, your church, or in your community. Once you look outside of yourself to help meet the needs of others, a miracle happens. “The very needs which built resentment in your heart will turn around as you see God invited into the equation.”

Pray: Lord, help me to surrender my unfulfilled desires to You, and to seek Your provision to meet the deepest needs of my heart. Show me how I might be used of You by looking to the interests of others (Philippians 2:4). In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Questions to Share:

1. What resentment am I harboring that I should be giving to God?
2. How can I serve others this week?

Jocelyn Green inspires faith and courage as the award-winning author of numerous fiction and nonfiction books, including Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives; Stories of Faith and Courage from the Home Front; Stories of Faith and Courage from the War in Iraq & Afghanistan; and The 5 Love Languages Military Edition, which she coauthored with bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman. Jocelyn lives with her husband Rob and two children in Cedar Falls, Iowa. Visit her at www.jocelyngreen.com.