The Gaping Hole in the Door

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Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. — Colossians 3:12-15

We know a military couple, strong believers, with small children who are a family with multiple deployments under their “resiliency” belt. Let me call them Jason and Melinda. After the second deployment, Jason had the opportunity to go to another job he had had his eyes on. So they PCS’ed within weeks of his redeployment.

Coming from living overseas to stateside proved a challenge with small children, but they considered themselves doing pretty well under the stress. Jason went on ahead and moved them into their new quarters while Melinda visited her mom and dad with the kids. You would think that would work out well . . .but tiredness, more separation, and cranky children all added up for an explosion of emotions a few days after Melinda rejoined Jason in their new (well, not so new and not so nice) quarters. A complaint here, a criticism there, a little nagging, physical exhaustion, not to mention the regular reintegration issues that crop up and . . . Wham!!—Jason made a fist and punched their bedroom door leaving a gaping hole . . .

It was quiet between them for a few days, and then icy stares, and perfunctory answers to the basics. Well, eventually they responded to one another, asked forgiveness of one another, and life returned to a “new” normal. But the wall of isolation remained. Resentment, lack of trust, and hurt feelings would not go away. Jason withdrew, and Melinda fumed or shed tears of frustration.

As a last resort, Jason called us. He told my husband the story and the impasse in which they seemed to be. They wanted to feel love for one another, but they didn’t know what to do to spur that feeling along. We suggested to them something which has helped us through similar times in our marriage—we asked them to practice “three A’s” for ten days to see what happened. We told Jason, “For ten days, only offer one or more statements of Appreciation to each other, Affirm one another daily, and offer a sign of Affection (nonsexual touching) and no other statements beside common courtesy. No revisiting arguments or the same old stuff . . . just for ten days.” Jason asked, “Well, how do you do that?” My husband suggested he try these things: “appreciate your wife for caring for your children tirelessly, say thank you for the meals she prepares each day, touch her on the shoulder when you say ‘thank you’ . . . And Jason, it might as well start with you . . . one of you has to submit to the Lord first.”  We said we would pray for them daily as they allowed the Holy Spirit to work as they obeyed God’s Word to honor and submit one to another.

Just by those three expressions of love (the “three A’s”), they were able to re-establish communication, soften their words, offer true forgiveness to each other and ask forgiveness of God . . . (an important step in bringing back trust and honor to one another, and more importantly honoring God).

A few months later, we were visiting them in their home and noticed a framed picture on their bedroom door with a beautiful tied ribbon holding it in the center of the door. It was a picture frame with the following inscription in calligraphy: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” I Corinthians 13:4-8

It covered up the gaping hole in the door.

Let’s Pray: “Heavenly Father, Thank you Lord for your Word, that two-edged sword that pierces to the heart of the matter quickly. Show me, Lord, where I have fallen short. Help me to forgive quickly and ask for forgiveness where needed.”

Questions to Share:

1. What resentments are keeping you from having the marriage God intends?

2. Do you realize that your spouse is a gift from God? How can you practice the 3 A’s: Appreciation, Affirmation, Affection . . . even if separated by deployment?