Bitterness and Marriage

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See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled. – Hebrews 12:15

Bitterness is not something we set out to introduce into our relationships. But it is surprisingly easy to let it slip into the mix and take hold. Basically it starts like this: we have some sort of disagreement that we let drag on for way too long without resolution. And while this is happening we stew about it in our heads, always painting the other person as the villain and us as the virtuous victims. I’m willing to bet that most of us have experienced this to some degree.

Disagreements are a natural part of marriage. We should always try to resolve them gently and quickly, but it is also very human of us to let things go on for longer than they should. And if we leave it too long, the strong desire to blame the other person for all our problems can become a habit–and then a constant part of our relationship. This entrenched and hostile blaming is bitterness.

If we contrast bitterness with regret, it can help to better understand bitterness. Regret is where things are not going well and you blame yourself. This is not healthy either, and you should talk to God about it if you struggle with regret. Bitterness is where things are not going well and your blame is focused externally, on the people around you.

Here are some tests to see if you harbor bitterness towards your spouse:

• When you can’t find something of yours, is your first reaction to blame your spouse for misplacing it?
• Do you resent your spouse for any success they have, feeling like they are undeserving?
• If friends stop wanting to visit you, do you think it is all your spouses fault?
• Did you read this to try to fix them because they are the cause of all your troubles?

If you answered yes to any of these questions or similar ones you can think of yourself, then you probably have a bitterness problem.

Bitterness is very bad – bad for the health of your relationship and bad for your physical health. Try Googling “bitterness” and “health” and see how many medical articles come up that say bitterness will hurt you. This is why God tells us not to let any roots of bitterness spring up. The Greek word translated as bitterness is “pikria”, which is used figuratively as bitterness, but literally means poison. If you are harboring any bitterness in your relationship, you are poisoning yourself and your relationship.  It is often said that bitterness is “like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die.”

Because of the poisonous nature of bitterness, you can also damage your relationship by harboring bitterness against people other than your spouse. Your parents maybe, or a childhood bully or your boss or even a former pastor. If you consistently blame someone outside of your relationship for problems in your life, then don’t think that the poison you are generating from that relationship won’t leak into your marriage relationship. Generally you either end up: 1) convincing your spouse to buy into your bitterness and causing them to be in a constant state of anger or irritation; or 2) causing your spouse to become frustrated with you because you tend to drag a dark cloud of negativity around with you…

The good news is that there is an almost instant cure for bitterness, and it is very simple. Forgive anyone you are blaming for your problems, for all real or imagined offenses.

I didn’t say it was easy, just that it was simple! The payoff in the improved health of your relationship and your physical well-being will be well worth the effort. Just remember that entrenched bitterness can take some time to dig out and dispose of, kind of like clearing a minefield. So don’t give up even if the feelings of blame continue to well up from time to time. Ask the Holy Spirit for the strength to forgive and then douse those bitter feelings with forgiveness each time. Watch them shrivel up and eventually die, freeing you from the poison of bitterness.

You may have noticed that poisonous substances have labels that tell you to act immediately if someone ingests the poison.  Doing nothing about it is the worst thing you can do!  Now let’s say you accidentally swallow a poison, but you are deployed for a few months . . . would you leave it in your system until you got back and then plan to deal with it?  That would be reckless to say the least.  It’s the same with bitterness.  If you or your spouse are about to deploy, my advice is to make a special effort to deal with any bitterness that affects your relationship.  Leaving it unaddressed in your system for the time you are apart is going to allow the poison to eat at yourself and your marriage unchecked.

If you are, however, already deployed when you read this, you can start ridding yourself of bitterness right where you are through forgiving anyone you need to.  If bitterness has damaged your relationship prior to deploying, it will be trickier.  But you can also begin the healing process even with the distance between you.  This is possible by carefully and gently communicating your own journey of healing and inviting your spouse to journey with you.  I also think that dealing with bitterness as much as you can while you are apart is important if you want to greatly reduce the already significant challenges that many couples face when reintegrating after a deployment.

My last point – if you have read this and you realize that your spouse suffers from bitterness, don’t give up on them no matter how grumpy that might make them. Redouble your efforts to love them and help coach them out of it by gently and carefully suggesting that forgiving others would be a healthy option!

Questions to Share:
1. If you feel able to accept the answer, ask your spouse if they think you struggle with bitterness. Just listen and be calm if the answer is not what you were hoping for.
2. Make a list of anyone who has offended you that you have not yet forgiven. What emotions came up when you made the list? Did that make you feel better or worse?
3. Starting with your spouse, if they are on the list, release them from any requirement to pay you back for their offense (real or imagined) and give up any right you feel you have to punish them. This is forgiveness. Repeat this every time those feelings of bitterness resurface!