Asking the Tough Questions

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Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” — Colossians 3:12-15

In the military it’s always wedding season, and with each present I wrap I enclose our favorite wedding verse. It is Colossians 3:12-15. Perhaps this is a bit of an unusual choice for scriptural instruction on marriage, but my experience has been that it gets right to the very core of the challenges of married life.

As I was wrapping such a gift on Saturday, I thought of another couple who has been married only a short time but is experiencing big problems—and has asked my husband and I for help. Surely on their beautiful wedding day they could not have imagined the struggles they are now having. As I was writing out my favorite wedding Scripture on the card to the day’s newlyweds I thought, “I wonder if we asked some good questions regarding these verses to our troubled couple, perhaps they would start to really wrestle with some of the problems they are having—and be convicted to communicate better with each other. Perhaps even forgive each other.

The power of questions. Have you ever noticed how many questions Jesus asked? For example, He asked Peter, “But what about you?’ He asked. “Who do you say I am?” (Matthew 16:15)

He asked Martha: “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26)

He asked the disciples when He calmed the storm: “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (Mark 4:40)

Jesus asked the tough questions, and I have been studying His questions in order to grasp how He could get to the heart of the matter—and cause people to think. So on Saturday, as I was inscribing the wedding gift, my question—to myself—was, “What kind of questions could we ask throughout the verses of Colossians 3 would get to the heart of the marriage problems with our couple who is seeking reconciliation?”

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved . . .” (vs. 12a)

Questions to ponder: Who stood with you on your wedding day, believing in your abilities to love each other? Do you truly have a relationship with Christ as your Lord and Savior?  How committed are you to living lives following God’s rules? How important is the legacy of a good marriage?

“. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (vs. 12b)

Questions to ponder: Have you been patient with each other? In what ways do you wish your spouse was more patient with you?  In what ways would your spouse wish you were more patient with them? Who taught you to be kind and compassionate, or are you still “a work in progress” regarding those attributes? What could you do for your spouse, while separated by deployment, which he or she would consider to be a demonstration of kindness? Who is the most humble person you know? How are you like that person?

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (vs. 13)

Questions to ponder: Are you forgiving of each other? Are you aware of some of the things for which your spouse has already forgiven you? Have you said that you are sorry? asked for forgiveness? told the other that you will never do that again? asked what you could do to make things right?

“And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (vs. 14)

Questions to ponder: What was it about your spouse which attracted you to them in the first place? What did you used to tell them that you loved about them?  Are you ready and willing to die to self, and selfishness, and love unconditionally?

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.”(vs. 15a)

Questions to ponder: How much peace is there in your home right now? Has there ever been peace between you two? What happened? How badly do you want peace between you to be restored? Since Christ is the Prince of Peace, have you gone to Him and asked for peace in prayer? Then have you sought Him as the great Counselor?

“And be thankful.” (vs. 15b)

Questions to ponder: What two things can you say that you are thankful for in your spouse? Even when deployed, especially when deployed, have you taken the opportunity to express to your spouse what you are grateful for in them? in your relationship in the past or now?

If we are serious about building our homes into dwellings where love reigns and God is glorified … then perhaps we can take Jesus’ example and be willing to ask and answer the tough questions. Perhaps you will find that it is in understanding the problems that He can lead you to the solutions.

Questions to Share:

1. How would you like to see your marriage grow in strength and love as outlined in Colossians 3:12-15?

2. Remember the vows that you took on your wedding day. How are you doing in keeping those vows?