How Not to Help

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Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” Mark 10:27

I am always on the lookout for good marital “helps”—especially concerning military marriages. The challenges of military life are so many and the stresses so high we need to be on high alert concerning the state of our own marriage and those of our friends.

I especially appreciate articles which give advice to help friends help friends. You know—you want to help others with troubled marriages but just don’t know how . . . and are especially fearful of “making things worse.” It’s rare to find such help.

But I recently found one such article on Crosswalk.com entitled, “How to Help A Troubled Marriage”, by Joe Beam.

The five points he listed under the heading, “Do Not Do These Things”, were particularly helpful.  I have quoted them below and added my own assessments:

1. “First, do not listen to one side of the story and think that you understand the situation.”  I’ve done this before, and perhaps you have, too . . . only to find out that you didn’t get all of the facts and almost acted from a biased assessment of what was happening in your friends’ marriage. And you certainly didn’t get enough perspective to be able to help! Proverbs 18:17 says it this way: “The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.” A wise friend knows that there are always two sides to these situations. Be especially careful to avoid listening to marital problems from a friend of the opposite sex without your spouse or trusted help present. Even if you think you can listen and help in these situations, they can lead to misunderstandings and worse—new relationships.

2. “Second, do not believe everything either spouse says.”  Closely related to the first point, this warning is clear. Perspectives can be skewed when hurt, anger, disillusionment, fear, etc., are involved. One spouse may put the spotlight on the other because of their own guilt over something. It’s best to listen but not form any prejudices.

3. “Third, do not help anyone do wrong.”  Helping to conspire in a manipulation or scheme that you might think “helps” is risky—and possibly deceptive. Sometimes friends ask for “cover” in order to do something immoral. Be careful—“The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.”  (Proverbs 12:22)

4. “Fourth, do not believe that a couple should divorce because their problems seem hopeless.”  We have all known couples who have split up because their friends agreed they should . . . not truly understanding that God is in the redemption business—“All things are possible with God.”  There is so much help available—in good Christian counselors, wise pastors and chaplains, weekend marriage conferences, small group Bible studies focused on marriage, mentoring with older couples, great books . . . there is much hope! Possibly the best gift you can give a hurting couple is hope! Certainly boundaries are necessary when there is physical or emotional danger—but for most couples there are answers to their deepest problems!

5. “Fifth, do not hesitate to ask for confidential assistance to help a marriage in crisis.” My husband and I know Christian counselors to call—if that seems to be the help a couple needs. Pastoral help through churches and chapels is valuable. We have weekend getaways to recommend (FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember is the best!). We use Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ Love and Respect book, Art of Marriage DVD seminars, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, HomeBuilder small group Bible studies, etc.—many resources in our “tool box” ready to use when necessary.

The best friend you can have is one who is a friend to your marriage. And the best thing you CAN do for a marriage is to pray for it. Dr. George Kenworthy’s excellent book, Before the Last Resort, includes an appendix with clear steps to take to help your friends’ marriage—and also to pray for their relationship, however troubled it might be. Certainly this book is a great resource to refer to and to give away.

God’s blueprints for marriage apply to all marriages—including military marriages. They are found in Genesis 2:24: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus concludes that truth with: “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

You can help friends with their marriage . . . with some definite “don’ts” and some definite “dos.” But start in prayer . . . “For nothing is impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37)

Questions to Share:

1. How could you prepare to help a friend whose marriage is in distress?

2. Ask your spouse how you can pray for them today. Pray also for your friends’ marriages, for them to be strengthened with the challenges of military life.