Absence Makes the Heart Grow _____?

Excellent or Praiseworthy is posted on Monday and Thursday nights.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” —Hebrews 13:4

Another day—another email announcing marital troubles as a result of poor decisions made during deployment. I want to scream, “Oh, No!! Not again!!” Didn’t this couple know there were dangers—weren’t they warned?

It all reminds me of something we posted on Excellent or Praiseworthy entitled “Absence Makes the Heart Grow ____.” Maybe it’s time to post again. . . Maybe it’s time to warn . . . Please be careful!!  Here is some wisdom worth repeating from postings past:

Have you ever heard the phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” and wondered if that was really true during deployment? Turns out the phrase has been around hundreds of years and means “the lack of something increases the desire for it.” Does that phrase win out over the other phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind”, also centuries old? The truth is, keeping a marriage growing during the separation of military duty takes work.

The flip side would be “Absence makes the heart grow wander.” A spouse can be deceived into thinking that there is no harm in developing casual relationships with members of the opposite sex while deployed. Here are some examples of those situations where “red flags” need to be observed as warnings:

“Emailing an old girl friend from high school doesn’t hurt anything. After all, she might be interested to know that I’m fighting in the desert.” WARNING! Connecting over the internet with someone other than your spouse might start innocently enough, but can lead to serious feelings and dangerous problems.

“You’re going to be gone a long time. I need someone close to pay attention to me and help out!” WARNING! Call on a friend of the same gender, or group in your church or community to listen and help. Prepare ahead of the deployment by building safe relationships which will provide support when your spouse is gone.

“We’re just going to have dinner together. She wants to talk to me about how her husband doesn’t understand her, and I might be able to share with her about my faith and why our marriage is so good.” WARNING! No! If “she” needs to share about her troubles, she needs to go to a chaplain or a girl friend, not to someone else’s husband. The opposite could be true, of course, in a man seeking marital “advice” from a woman. That is also dangerous territory.

These are just a few—we all know that there are more ways to “slide” into immorality. The Bible has strict warnings about the consequences of marital infidelity:

“But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.” —Proverbs 6:32

“It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable . . .” —1 Thessalonians 4:3-4

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” —Ephesians 5:3

“Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” —1 Corinthians 6:18-20

And Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” —Matthew 5:27-28

I would like to suggest a third version of the phrase which I have seen demonstrated in the lives of many who are fighting hard to keep their marriages healthy during the challenges of deployment: “Absence makes the heart grow stronger.”

Years ago there was a song performed by the couple, Captain and Tennille (am I showing my age??) called “Love, Love will keep us together.” It was a sweet song, but the truth is that sometimes you don’t feel like you love your spouse—or he/she is many miles away. What will keep you together then? The real truth is that “Commitment will keep us together.” A couple who is totally committed to staying together through the thick and thin, through the joys and the sorrows, through the ups and the downs. . . that couple will be intentional about guarding their marriage from the enemies which seek to destroy (yes, destroy) it.

How can you “guard” a marriage, in order to provide the strength to finish the deployment with your relationship intact? Here are some thoughts:

1. Maintain a close relationship with God, including daily time in prayer and in Scripture.  And don’t forget to ask your spouse “How can I pray for you?”;
2. Set up an accountability partner (of the same gender) who will be able to ask you the tough questions about your thought life, reading material, use of the internet, conversations with others, use of leisure time;
3. Spend as much time as you can staying connected with your spouse through letters, email, Skype, phone, text—and take the time to be creative with special gifts or ways that they will know that you love and care for them.  If possible read a book, Bible or devotional together–many have found this to be a helpful discipline;
4. Don’t flirt, share intimate secrets about your spouse, or seek a friendship outside of your marital relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Show discernment!
5. Seek help in your marriage from appropriate sources if/when necessary.  There are so many excellent seminars (Weekend to Remember, Art of Marriage, Love and Respect, to name a few), helpful books (Sacred Marriage, Strike the Original Match, Before the Last Resort, The Five Love Languages, etc.), Christian counseling agencies, pastors and chaplains, useful websites (familylife.com, focusonthefamily.com).  Don’t give up–use discernment and get qualified help!

These are just a few of the ways that you can be wise. A good marriage is a precious gift, and will serve to strengthen your family for generations to come. It is worth fighting for, and even when you are absent—it can grow stronger.

“Some Pharisees came to Him to test Him. They asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?’ ‘Haven’t you read,’ He replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For his reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” —Matthew 19:3-6

Questions to Share:

1. In what ways do you believe that “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

2. How can you demonstrate commitment to your spouse so that the last phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow stronger” can be true of your marriage?