“Five Biggest Little Ways to Improve Your (Military) Marriage”

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Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. — Proverbs 16:24

When I see an article on marriage, I automatically think “what does this say to a military marriage?” Ministry to military has wired me this way—thankfully.

So when I read the article on FamilyLife.com entitled “5 Biggest Little Ways to Improve Your Marriage” I naturally went to “what does this say to a military marriage?”

I might not have been as interested in this exercise if the article hadn’t been written by Shaunti Feldhahn, who is a respected researcher on marriage statistics and author of For Men Only, For Women Only, and The Good News About Marriage. I knew whatever Shaunti wrote was well-studied and well-written.

And given that improving your marriage during deployment takes special grace and intentionality, I went right to applying her points to those areas of challenge unique to military marriages. The goal? Helping military marriages to see that there are ways they can help their marriage by doing “little things” as often as possible.

Shaunti writes, “Clearly, a few small actions won’t fix deep relationship problems. But for most of us, a handful of simple day-to-day actions increase the likelihood that our spouse feels that we care deeply about them, instead of feeling that we don’t. There’s just enormous power in that!”

So using her research methods of surveying, Shaunti shares with us “The Fantastic Five for him” and “The Fantastic Five for her”. “When individuals were asked on the survey if a particular action made them happy, the affirmative response numbers were staggeringly high for five specific actions for each gender, even among the struggling couples. Close to 100 percent of all husbands and wives said these actions mattered, with between 65 and 90 percent of all husbands and wives saying these actions would deeply please them.”

Is this also true for military couples? I believe so.

Here are her “Fantastic Fives” and my additional suggestions for military couples:

The Fantastic Five for him

A wife will have a big impact on her husband’s happiness when she does the following:

1. Notices his effort and sincerely thanks him for it . . . This deeply pleases 72 percent of all men.

What about during deployment? You really can’t know what your husband specifically does each day and thank him for it, right? You can’t thank him for mowing the lawn in the heat or playing with the kids when tired from work, unless he is the spouse at home. But you can thank him for doing his part to defend our country, and being the kind of man that people depend on. What Shaunti Feldhahn is telling us is a little word of thanks goes a long way to marital satisfaction.

2. Says ‘You did a great job at __________.’ This deeply pleases 69 percent of all men.

Closely related to #1, this takes the verbal affirmation (by email or cell or text or Skype or letter) one step further from thanks to praise.

3. Mentions in front of others something he did well. This deeply pleases 72 percent of all men.

Can you mention to your friends how proud you are of your husband and the job he is doing—whether at home or while deployed? Certainly you can. And with the speed of modern communication, the likelihood of this praise getting back to him is high.

4. Shows that she desires him sexually and that he pleases her sexually. This deeply pleases 85 percent of all men.

This one is a little more difficult to do when separated geographically by deployment. But not impossible! Why not say, “I can’t wait to have you home and spend our own quality time together! I love and need you so much!” Be creative in your descriptions of your desires—you know what will please your husband to hear.

5. Makes it clear to him that he makes her happy . . . This deeply pleases 88 percent of all men.

We’re talking about little things here, and for a husband to hear long distance that he is still adored is vital! This tip got the highest point value of all five. Does being married to him make you happy? Remember some of your happiest moments together and remind him of those. Or state what he does to make you smile. On a difficult day, this could make all the difference.

The objective is to repeat these simple but powerful actions frequently. While not a cure-all, they are crucial to knowing and feeling that our spouse cares.

The Fantastic Five for her

On his side, a husband will have a big impact on his wife when he does the following:

1. Takes her hand. This deeply pleases 82 percent of all women.

We have addressed the power of holding hands on ExcellentorPraiseworthy.org before. Go to “Holding Hands“. Can you hold hands while deployed? Of course not . . . but you can take that special picture of you holding hands before deployment and put it where you will see it often. Or you can trace your hand and send it to each other with a message. Be creative—this little thing is very important (more than you think).

2. Leaves her a message by voice mail, e-mail, or text during the day to say he loves and is thinking about her. This deeply pleases 75 percent of all women.

This says that most women NEED to hear frequently that they are loved. Especially during dangerous times, I believe it’s extra-important to close every conversation with “I Love You.” You never know.

3. Puts his arm around her or lays his hand on her knee when they are sitting next to each other in public . . . This deeply pleases 76 percent of all women.

Again, this is not something little you can do during deployment, but you can communicate closeness with words. You can say, “If we were together right now, I would put my arm around you and hold you tight.” You need to say it, because she needs to hear it.

4. Tells her sincerely, “You are beautiful.” This deeply pleases 76 percent of all women.

I’m getting older, and the radiance of my youth is gone. But I would agree—I still like to hear that, to my husband, I am beautiful. Hearing him tell me that daily, or frequently, would be a sweet gift. Is it a little thing? Perhaps. Or maybe, to her, it’s a big thing!

5. Pulls himself out of a funk when he’s morose, grumpy, or upset about something, instead of withdrawing. (This doesn’t mean he doesn’t get angry or need space; it means he tries to pull himself out of it.) This deeply pleases 72 percent of all women.

Most wives would say that they sometimes tire of being a cheerleader to their husbands. Just once in a while it would be nice for him to draw strength from the Lord alone and impart that change-of-attitude to others instead of continuing in a slump. This point surprised me a bit, but I was in agreement.

In conclusion, knowing your spouse’s love language (5lovelanguages.com) only helps to zero in on the importance of these 5 little day-to-day helps. And Shaunti closes with, “Because as it turns out, believing that the other person cares is far more important to building a happy marriage than most of us every realized.” Understatement.

P.S. Reintegration is the Perfect time to start doing these “5 Biggest Little Ways to Improve Your Marriage”. Especially if a wall of communication has been building over time and distance . . . and needs to come down!!

Work Cited:

Shaunti Feldhahn, “5 Biggest Little Ways to Improve Your Marriage” on www.FamilyLife.com

Questions to Share

1. Which of the Fantastic Fives were a surprise to you?

2. Which of these tips do you already do—and which will you start doing today?